pulled in too many directions
*Beware* I'm exhausted and whiney today....
Everyone is driving me crazy and i hate it. Its too much pressure and it just makes things more crazy inside and I just want to disappear inside and not come out. People inside and people outside. Whatever I do, its not enough. No one is ever happy with any decision i make.
For instance, I just bought a ticket to go visit my family for the summer. I decided to stay 9 days. My family says I don't stay long enough. My husband says I stay too long. Does anyone even CARE what I want? I am going to stay that many days to help out my sister since she just had her baby. They are tearing me apart. Personally, 9 days with my sister isn't long enough. 9 days with my parents is about 8.5 days too long. My husband wouldnt like it if I left for only 3 days. It doesn't matter how long I am gone. Whatever I do, its wrong to SOMEONE.
At work I have too much to do. I spend time on X, but then Y doesn't get done. So I spend some time on Y, but then X and Z isn't getting done. Then comes A,B, and C. So now I have A,B,C,X,Y,and Z to all work on. Well, someone's going to HAVE to wait.My students want my undivided attention 8 hours a day, all 17 of them. My aides don't do their jobs right. I think my husband wants a perfect, loving wife who's always in a good mood and cleans up messes and does the laundry just right (no wrinkles). Mae wants to play every day. Jo wants to starve herself to death. My therapist wants me keeping track of everything I eat and forms filled out on how I'm thinking/ reframing thoughts/ whatever. Caroline wants to do research and always has HUGE plans about what she wants to do every day. Missy wants to exercise and research things and talk to people. Friends want me to be there for them and help them solve their problems and listen to them and offer advice. But everyone wants their thing done NOW. Add in husband and students and pets and colleagues and inside kids and my mother and laundry and report cards to do. It all makes me CRAZY.
I feel like I can't do things just for ME. I have to check around first in total paranoia and make sure that husband/parents/inside people are going to approve. Because otherwise, I will never hear the end of it.
I feel like I can't do anything right. Then people tell me I should have higher self esteem and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I'm not fat and that I ought to talk nicer to myself. WHY? When apparently all I do is constantly fail everyone all and not live up to your expectations of me, say stupid things, make you all sigh in embarassment, and apparently I'm a stupid idiot? SURE. I should have LOTS of self-esteem.
Caroline handles things so much better. Its better if I just disappear inside. I don't talk much at home. Its better if I dont. I dont talk much around my parents either, or at work. Caroline and Missy are the ones that do the talking. I can't handle all the stress that people around me cause inside. I feel like a big idiot around other people. I wish I could just disappear inside forever.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Pilgrim, You will never ever make everyone happy. Nobody on this earth, including Jesus Christ, can make everybody happy.(In fact, He made many people very, very angry.) It is impossible because no two people want the same thing. So, take a deep breath, think about what the best thing for you to do is, and do that. The others will get over it. We all get over it when we don't get our own way. Take care, and God bless.
The Real Me
i know how stressful the end of the year can be. this craziness with paperwork won't last forever. there is an end in sight. the trick is just trying to be as patient with yourself as possible as you work on one thing at a time. it's physically impossible to do more than one thing at a time so take it slow. it will get done. i know that's easier said than done. i'm sure in another few weeks you'll hear me flipping out as well. the end of the year paperwork is already starting and i feel myself starting to get overwhelmed.
as for the other stuff, i can relate to it as well. however, i am learning that as long as i try to live up to other's expectations, i will never be happy. i will only be happy when i begin to choose what i want and live my life for me. if being with your sister for 9 days is what you want, then do it. anyone else who doesn't like it, well, it's too bad. who gives them the right to tell you how to live your life? i say this only because i can relate. it's very hard for me to not give into my family and try to live up to their expectations. but it just doesn't work. so i've been slowly trying to do it a different way - (living my life the way i want even if other people aren't happy with it) and i'm finding an amazing freedom and happiness that comes along with that.
it's not easy at first, but the more i do it, the easier it becomes. other people got very pissed at me in the beginning. but the more i've done it, the more i see them start to change. some of them still expect certain things. but others have realized that i'm living my life for me now, not them, and they don't come at me as strong anymore.
my wish for you is you start to do more of what you want and not feel guilty about it because it's your life and you have a right to live it anyway you choose.