But I dont remember. DID and memories.
the other night, my sister and I were watching old home movies (we video taped ourselves doing everything)-- there were some I haven’t seen since we did them back in the early 1990’s… it was so strange to see them. There were many that I don’t remember at ALL. Guess which ones they were? ALL the ones from the time I was dating the Asshole. The thing is, I don’t remember ANYTHING from the times in those videos. Apparently, I went on a trip to visit my best friend… and HE went to the airport with my family to drop me off. There were some Christmas videos… I don’t’ remember any of that either. I did remember one Thanksgiving video-- only because I recall stressing out about how to get out of eating much at dinner & dad being mad at me for not eating enough.. I don’t remember most of an entire 5 years, if not more. Including college
He was even in 1 of them… that was really hard to see. My sister even warned me-- “Uh oh, hes in this one”-- and she was going to fast forward through it. But I told her that I wanted to see it.
I wanted to see HIM-- the him that really was, not just the gigantic HIM of my flashbacks I wanted to challenge myself and see if the person I perceived was the person of reality, you know? See if they matched? I also wanted to see if I could MAKE myself stay present and not dissociate, you know? (one of my goals)
Well.. So we got to this part where Asshole was in the video. (my throat is closing up just writing about it). First I heard his voice and my blood ran cold. It really did. I felt myself pull back inside my mind and Jo said something (I don’t know what) but I just covered my eyes up a little and still peaked.. his voice… GOD I HATE IT. Just like in the flashbacks, was how it sounded. . I tried to tell myself 1st, he’s only going to be this 19 year old kid, that’s all, he’s not going to be big or huge or anything like you think. I made myself look at his face.. It was clearer than the flashbacks… so ugly and mean and terrible and I just wanted to cry BUT I STAYED THERE and I didn’t disappear all the way and I didn’t lose time.
But yeah, it was just like in the flashbacks, only yeah, I think it was probably worse making myself look at him to see him for myself, and he’s just as terrible and mean looking as I remember if not worse, but I still made myself look and I made it through the challenge to myself and I didn’t disappear.
There were other videos... me in 8th grade, talking to the camera with my sister. There I am, talking like I am all rough and tough, and being mouthy. The thing is, I didn't talk in 8th grade. I stopped talking after being molested at school at the end of 7th grade, and didn't say a word again until the last day of 8th. But there "I" am on camera, mouthing off and being loud. The funny thing is, THAT is Missy. I know it has to be. Everyone (inside) says that "the Bully" was in control that year and that's why I don't remember things, but the person on the camera talks just like Missy talks. Then I realized, oh my God, Missy goes to my therapy appointments sometimes. THAT'S who my therapist has to deal with? Ew. My therapist has to deal with HER? (Of course, I also think, My therapist has to deal with ME? double ew.) She's always nice and just says things like "Missy has a lot of energy." Ugh. How about, "Missy's a pain in the butt"? That seems a more appropriate description after watching the videos.
Its just so odd, what I don't remember. There are some things that I am glad that I blocked out. But looking at the videos with my sister, I realize that there are some things that I wish I would have remembered. Because I missed some of the good things. My sister was really cute and a lot of fun. When she wasn't being a total dork, ha ha! (My sister is Cody, who writes Life with Trich...fyi she is one of THE greatest people on the planet). I need to remember to stop spacing out nowadays so I dont miss out on any more good things.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I hate watching home videos because that is the only way I can remember that specific point in time. I see the videos and it looks like I had fun, so why can't I remember?? Unlike you, I don't have a reason to forget (that I'm aware of!). I'm proud of you for sticking with your challenge to try and stay present while watching. That was very brave of you!