Being more present in my own life- pros and cons
My therapist wanted me to write a list of pros and cons of being more present in my life and in my therapy sessions. Instead of me disappearing all the time...instead of losing time all the time and never knowing what is going on. So here is my list.
CONS
I was taught to not have feelings
When I did express any feelings, I was punished (like sent to my room, yelled at, or abandoned [by the side of the road, threatened to be sent to the orphanage, sent to someone’s house], ignored, made fun of). It still happens now sometimes (express feelings and thoughts, even appropriately, and get ignored/left/punished). So that is confusing.
I have always relied on the others to have feelings for me (yah I know, cowardly thing to do)
Up until recently I believed that all feelings were bad and dangerous. It is only the past year or 2 that I have started to realize that feelings are just feelings, its what someone does with them that matters.
Up until recently, feelings always seemed big and scary. Its only been in the past year that I started understanding that feelings are just feelings, that my family was out of control with them but I can learn to control mine.
I am only semi-comfortable with the 2 above new beliefs.
I don’t even KNOW what to do most of the time. I am so clueless because I feel like I’ve missed out on everything. I feel….dumb.
I’m afraid my T will expect me to do everything perfectly, because Carolineine does so many things right, and I’m not Carolineine.
I’m afraid to let Mae down even more and everybody down
I’m afraid that if I start facing things in my sessions with T and Mae, that T will abandon me or not listen to me
I’m afraid of saying something wrong because it seems like whenever I’M in a session, I screw up somehow, say something wrong, and screw something up.( At least if I’m not there, I can’t screw anything up.)
I still think that it is extremely important that some of the kids get to talk to Sharon 1:1 at times.
Research shows that integration cannot be forced. This is just something to keep in mind, that we don’t want this to be an integration just cooperation.(This is Carolineine adding these last 2 lines)
PROS
I don’t want to be like my mom and dad
It could help make things better for Mae, and the other kids
It is always good to learn something new
I need to do things I make a commitment to
Challenges are good for me
I want to learn how to do things right
I want to practice these things that T, Jo, Mae, Carolineine, and everyone have been talking about
I am willing to do just about ANYTHING to help make things get quieter in my head
I want to prove to myself that my family is wrong about feelings and about a lot of other things they said
I want to become a stronger person
If I am the core person, then this is my job. Even if I am not, its still somehow my job.
I want all of us to work together better inside and I need to do more to help so I need to do this
The kids need at least a few people inside who they can count on. I hated hearing that they don’t even want me. I feel like a big ogre.
Losing time SUCKS big time. I feel stupid, out of control, scared, and embarrassed because of it!!!! Things happen that I don’t know about and can’t control and I HATE IT. I HATE IT. If I could be present all the time, then I think I would feel more in control, less scared, and maybe more positive.
Feeling like such a weak, out of control, stupid, embarrassed idiot also adds to me being so depressed. Hopefully if I could feel like I was around more often, feeling like I was handling things, was actually AWARE of what was going around (because I wasn’t disappearing all the time), and was feeling a little more in control, then I would feel a little better about things.
(this one is a biggie) If I were able to be present through things that I normally disappear from, that would feel like a MAJOR accomplishment. Like when I called my new co-worker on the phone last night (and didn’t rely on Carolineine to do it for me). When I manage to do things like that, I’m kind of like, “Wow, I did that.” Those would be things that show good progress for me. Those would be things to get a sticker for!
Carolineine just said that if I allowed myself to be present more often, and could be around with others, then I would be able to use parts of their personalities as parts of me (?) Something about it making me more of a well-rounded person. Like not so flat?
I would really, really REALLY like to have a better memory (I can’t remember anything because I wasn’t there to hear it in the 1st place, or because my mind is so full of chatter that I easily forget what I was just told because there is so much background noise.)
I need to seem more all-together for work.
I need to function better. I have more responsibilities than ever.
I cannot count on Carolineine to do everything for me. I’m not a baby.
Even though it gives me a headache to be “out” with more than 1 person at a time, I know that it IS possible, we’ve done it before, and we do it at home a lot… it just starts from a different person than me.
It is NOT FAIR to expect the others to do everything for me.
I REALLY, REALLY want to find more answers. If me being present more, if me going through hard things, if me working harder might help, THEN I AM ALL FOR IT.
I DO NOT GIVE UP. EVER.
(Wow, I didn’t realize there would be this many “pros”)
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Pilgrim
This is a lesson keepers had to learn also. there is the emotional reaction and the logical or Mr Spock reaction. listing the Pros and Cons as a logical method often can let you see more and clearer than when viewed emotionally. They are both very important, but for multiples especially the emotions must be set aside for just a minute to listen to the logic, then come to your conclusion or decision.
Good luck and this just goes to show you are doing so well, more than you know!
john w
Hooray for you and all your pros! As I may have said before, I don't have DID, but I've been recovering from another type of dissociative disorder. When I first started on this path, I felt like a little kid, learning how to do EVERYTHING (especially social) all over again. I have also noticed a temporary "con" recently. Now that I'm not dissociating ALL the time, it seems I get overwhelmed very easily. Heck, I used to be able to juggle all these balls in the air at once. Now, I can only handle one thing at a time. But, this is a hidden pro, too because it's forced me to slow down and be present, more in the moment. There are many joys in life to be savored this way. Best.
You're right... there are a lot of pro's, and even a few of your con's ended up sounding like pro's....you are stronger than you think, I think. The Real Me