Childhood flashbacks
This is so strange. I have been thinking about it a while, i just havent written it down or talked about it.
I remember being in 1st and 2nd grade, and having flashbacks,especially in school.
A certain smell of food would set me off in the school cafeteria-- I can't remember what it was, but it was food.
I would have flashes of bad stuff happening in kindergarten. But I would shut down.
I remember shaking my head and closing my eyes and trying to shake it off-- like i do now. I can remember my heart would start racing, and I'd go away. Like I do now. (Whatever it is, I still can't stand to think about it.I run from the memory really quickly.)
I remember being in 4th grade, and whenever we had to go into the auditorium to watch movies with the other 4th graders, I would get sick to my stomach, get a weird taste in my mouth, get dizzy, things would go black for a minute, and I would see weird pictures in my head-- people that I didn't know--and hear voices.
As a kid i thought this was just normal.
It hasn't been until the last few months when during internal meetings, Caroline, Mae, Tuck, and some other kids have been telling me stories about times when they were there when I was a child.
I didn't know. I just thought all kids were like that.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
i thought everyone had inside people. i didn't know it was odd that i would talk to people inside. i knew i wasn't "alone" but i didn't have a name for it and i certainly didn't think it was a disorder. as kids we assume that everyone lives as we do because as abused kids we are isolated and forced to keep secrets. and then there are the lies that say, all kids do this. so yes, we grow up thinking that other kids live like we do when in fact they didn't. your response of thinking all kids were the same was a natural response. what was done to you was a criminal and grossly immoral crime against of your innocence and your inner being. They shouldn't have done these things to you Pilgrim. They were wrong to hurt all of you this way.
Austin
Ps. I'm sorry therapy didnt go well.