August 2, 2006

My treatment team didnt want me to know my weight. I KNOW I SHOULDNT KNOW MY WEIGHT. NOT ready to hear it. NO NO NO.
Yesterday I went to a new doctor. His nurse put me on the scale-- I put my back to it and closed my eyes. I THOUGHT it was a clear signal of "I dont want to know!" But she said my weight out loud.
i am so embarassed.
XXX
My low weight was under 100.
Now since I started treatment 6 tears ago, I've gone up to THAT!!!?
I am so humiliated.
Granted--- I had just had breakfast and a diet pepsi, hadn't gone to the bathroom, was in my clothes and shoes, and have been drinking tons of water lately. OKay, so subract a few pounds from all that-- so maybe I'm still in the XXX's. Still too high!! I am only 5'4" tall.
Also, my muscles have gotten really strong in my legs, and I logically KNOW that muscle weighs more than fat. I am even proud of how muscular my legs are and how strong they are. Stronger than most people my age, I'd imagine. (I am in my 30's.)
Here's the thing--- just last week,some older women were calling me "tiny". I often get comments about how "tiny" or "small" I am. How CAN i be if I weigh so much, and if I wear like a size 8 pants?
I have have a heart problem so I've had to rest a lot and eat a lot the past 3 years to recover. However, today I was told by my new cardiologist that my heart is fine now and nothing to worry about. I don't have to worry about resting-- I can exercise again do whatever I want again-- yay! That means I can do my Tae Bo and stuff.
But I feel so TRICKED.(I realize I haven't been; my treatment team was doing everything they could to jump in and sae my life- and I am grateful.) I have been eating and eating, and resting. But as a result I've just gotten so FAT!!! (HOW can people say I am tiny!! I see a fat person in the mirror AND in pictures-- how can my vision be that distorted, if I am even fat in pictures?
I want so much to stop eating again-- or at least cut back. Really, I'm only getting about 1,000 a day as it is... I know that's pretty minimal. I've come far enough in recovery to know that if I cut back more, that'd be stupid.
But I NEEEEEEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I HAVE TO!!!
I dont want to go back up to where I started and be that stupid fat teenager again like I was before I became anorexic!!! I WANT to be thin, need to be thin, LIKE it. I need to be skinny. For me, some of it IS about weight. Yes its more than that, but yes some of it IS.

Am I fat? Am I really as disgusting as I think I am? Am I really huge now? I dont know what to do or think. My dietician isn't available to talk to til Aug 30. I just want to exercise until I fall down. I want to stop eating. I'm far enough in recovery to know thats dumb, but its what my instincts are telling me right now.
What do I do? What do I tell myself? Its more important to be thin than happy. to me. sorry, but I've have an eating disorder since I was 14. My brain is stuck there still--thats what my anorexic mind tells me.The cardiologist today said after looking at my weight, “Well, you’re obviously in remission from your eating disorder.” YAH, NO SHIT doc. I KNOW I’m a fat cow now. (Ok so, he's clueless about e.d.s... but he is a great cardiologist).
I wish I hadn't been told that number!!! We have been wanting to cut so badly. Get rid of this fat, punish our body, disappear.
My therapist tried to give me a pep talk today. It helped some. Tells me that its not about about the number ( I partly understand-- but Jo doesn't, fatgirl doesn't).. its so much MORE than that though. At this weight when I was 16, BAD things happened. VERY bad things. We cant talk about it to anyone, not even our T. What if being this weight makes bad things happen again/ What if we turn back into that girl? (we know, we know...we're not there anymore, not in that place, not in that year, not that person anymore... supposedly.) But right now the fears are oerwhelming. And all of a sudden, food is a terror again and its gotten very hard to eat again. The war, which has taken a back seat for a couple of years, is back on.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:13 PM | Comments (3)

August 4, 2006

I have been self-injuring since I was about 8 years old in 1 way or another. Its never bothered me. It makes me feel better, and I look forward to it-- I see it as a comfort. Cutting, seeing blood, etc- none of it bothers me when I think of hurting myself. All I know is, it makes me feel better. Its there whenever I need it (unlike people.) Therefore, its a good thing.The past... I'm not sure... since last winter? We have been trying very hard to stop the SI. Really hard. Only had like 1 problem since last March.
Well, the past couple of days I have been really stressed out--school starting next week and insurance problems, money, etc. Jo and I have both been thinking, it'd be so much better to just give in and cut.Last night I had my husband go with me to the grocery store-- I didn't trust myself to not buy razor blades if I went alone.
This morning I was on my way to Walmart for school supplies. Which got me thinking about school-- and stress-- and fear-- which made me think of cutting. This thought usually brings comfort when I picture myself cutting my arms or my wrist or whatever.
But THIS TIME--- when I pictured it and the thought entered my mind-- I thought, "That's disgusting. Why would I want to do that-- its so gross."

That is THE FIRST "normal" thought I have EVER HAD. I would imagine that that's what MOST people think about someone cutting their own body-- that its gross, disgusting, why would anyone do that to themselves. Instead of thinking about it as a good thing, a comforting thing, I thought of it as bad and gross and inappropriate!!! YAY!!!
I think this is HUGE. That the thought even entered my mind for once. Even if it doesn't stay there, even if I end up cutting again sometime-- at least the thought is IN THERE and in my consciousness now.
I left a message for my T about it. And I called my husband at work and told him. He was so happy that he's going to take me shopping tonight and buy me and outfit for the 1st day of school!

Posted by pilgrim at 9:50 AM | Comments (7)

August 9, 2006

Well we are back to work this week and things have been busy, hectic, and overwhelming.
Things are going well though.
I actually said no to something tonight. A lady called wanting me to be the building rep. for our teacher organization again this year. I am just not doing it again. No matter how much she says it just "doesn't take much time, all you have to do is_____". I made up my mind to just tell her to forget it. I'm already overwhelmed and school hasn't yet begun. Unfortunately all I got was the lady's voicemail, but on the voicemail I still left her a message saying no, that I don't have the time or desire to be the building representative again this year, and I'd like her to find someone else. Finally...one less commitment. I need to keep practicing saying no. We have more committee sign-ups coming up in the next day or 2 at work. I've got to make sure I only stick to the 2 I am already on, and not let myself get carried away. I know that it just stresses out everyone inside when I over-commit myself and I don't want to do that to them anymore. Like we were talking last week about using camp as a model, we've been talking about making sure we have built-in rest time each day or some sort of time off. If I have got my day packed with school activities from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. then that is going to wear everyone out which doesn't help us as a group, so I'm going to try harder this year. I will probably need help with this at some point. But at least saying no to something today was a start I hope.
Carolineine

Posted by pilgrim at 6:55 PM | Comments (5)

August 19, 2006

Sometimes I wonder why I even go to group.

i ran out again. slammed the door, and ran out.
i am such a stupid fat disaster of an idiot.
it wasn't me that went. it was Carolineine. It started off fine. Her talking about her classroom-- the T's wanted her to bring pictures, so she did. So they asked her about her class, her kids,how come she is so good with little kids and all that. And Caroline, the T we like, had to leave. So that left the 2 other T's, and this new lady. The new lady was really nice. We liked her a lot. She just got of out of the trauma program at the hospital where our husband is on staff, so we can't comment much or give any feedback really. Just sort of smile and nod, you know? Can't talk about our husband in group then, if someone just came from _____ hospital-- they might know my husband.

Anyway.New lady started talking about her past abuse and went in detail. WAY in detail. So the grown ups left, left me there. Listening.

I started shaking and crying but I curled up in a ball so no one could see. You know how you learn how to cry real quiet so no one in the room can tell you're crying? I was frozen. I couldn't move or talk or anything. And I was having flashbacks and body memories SO BAD.

And I kept thinking, we went through it from age 3-24, and NO ONE EVER KNEW. and if feels like it KILLED ME.
and this lady is moving on and she went through this good hospital program .
And they just left me alone even though they could tell something was wrong and i felt so ignored and i couldn't make myself talk or breathe right or look up
finally i got up and ran out and when i got up they were like, "we're here for you" and i thought the hell you are and I ran out, ran to the car, took off too fast and sped down the hallway.
And Missy yells at me, "Jo, you're so moody. Quit acting like such a teenager.
well hell how am I SUPPOSED to act? Like i"m 49? I'm 17. How am i supposed to act.

i just need to leave if I find out that Caroline isn't going to stay at group. she is the only one i feel safe around there. :(
they kept asking the other lady all these questions that helped her talk about what happened. I wish someone would ask me questions like that. . Just saying to me, "what to you need to talk about" and waiting for me to talk is too big for me anymore. i dont know how to talk about it anymore. its all too big. its all too much, too fast, too big. i feel like i'm suffocating. Too many bad people, too many times, too many years.

And then the grown ups say things to me like "When you do that it makes us look bad."
"Running away didn't work when we were 14, it doesn't work now either."
And then they try to compliment me because I didn't cut when I got home like I wanted to. Fuck them and trying to patronize me.
i dont know what to do. jo

Posted by pilgrim at 8:36 PM | Comments (2)

August 26, 2006

I got made fun of today.
It really shouldn't bother me. I'm trying not to let it. Trying to keep it in perspective.
But knowing myself, I'm going to stew over it for a while and let it hurt my feelings before I finally let it go.
Well, I'm trying to not let it hurt my feelings. Its more of a general "I wish these kinds of things just didn't happen" sort of feeling. Its nothing I'm taking too personally.
We were at a waterpark today. With our DH, a surprise day off at last before my head exploded from stress. There was a wave pool. Favorite thing at the waterpark. The waves go around and around--- of the lift you off your feet and let you feel weighless variety. At the waterpark, I was just sort of chilling out. Letting Mae, Tuck, and Blue talk-- and letting the rest of the inside kids watch. Jo watched but didn't talk. Carolineine and I were the adults there talking to our husband. Well in the wave pool-- thats all of our favorite.
But Mae gets so excited when the waves come around-- and she loves to talk about it, the weightless feeling. I could hear her go on and on-- "It goes so high!" "Watch me watch me!" and things like that.
One time I heard her say "I like to jump!"
And some teenage girl behind us says, "Did you hear that lady? [imitating Mae's little girl voice] 'I like to juuuuummmp!!!' " Mae looked behind herself and saw the girl and disappeared. The teenagers friend saw me staring at her and told her friend, "Shut up, okay?!"
I was so embarassed though. Then I faded back again. I dont handle embarassment well. Mae didn't talk again for a while. She just rode the waves and smiled at my husband.
It struck me again how ridiculously stupid I must seem to the outside world. And to my husband.
Our voices change.(And vocabulary, and tone, and who knows what else.) It must sound so stupid when Mae's 5 year old voice comes out of a grown up's body.
I heard Mae's voice on the answering machine once. It startled me-- I'd never heard it before. It does sound very small. My voice isn't all that strong or great. But Missy's voice--- its strong. So is Carolineine's-- she talks like a teacher. I know that Tuck stutters some so he doesn't talk out loud much, not when we are around people. He mostly talks out loud when we are alone.
It scares me, what people might think of me.
Really, it shouldn't I guess. The opinion of some 15 year old girl in a pool in another city who I will never see again-- who cares what she thinks, right? I guess?
I guess what I really worry about is what my husband, my family, my therapist think of me. I embarass myself enough. Its not like I need the help of a bunch of inside people too.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:11 PM | Comments (8)