A normal thought in my head for the 1st time!
I have been self-injuring since I was about 8 years old in 1 way or another. Its never bothered me. It makes me feel better, and I look forward to it-- I see it as a comfort. Cutting, seeing blood, etc- none of it bothers me when I think of hurting myself. All I know is, it makes me feel better. Its there whenever I need it (unlike people.) Therefore, its a good thing.The past... I'm not sure... since last winter? We have been trying very hard to stop the SI. Really hard. Only had like 1 problem since last March.
Well, the past couple of days I have been really stressed out--school starting next week and insurance problems, money, etc. Jo and I have both been thinking, it'd be so much better to just give in and cut.Last night I had my husband go with me to the grocery store-- I didn't trust myself to not buy razor blades if I went alone.
This morning I was on my way to Walmart for school supplies. Which got me thinking about school-- and stress-- and fear-- which made me think of cutting. This thought usually brings comfort when I picture myself cutting my arms or my wrist or whatever.
But THIS TIME--- when I pictured it and the thought entered my mind-- I thought, "That's disgusting. Why would I want to do that-- its so gross."
That is THE FIRST "normal" thought I have EVER HAD. I would imagine that that's what MOST people think about someone cutting their own body-- that its gross, disgusting, why would anyone do that to themselves. Instead of thinking about it as a good thing, a comforting thing, I thought of it as bad and gross and inappropriate!!! YAY!!!
I think this is HUGE. That the thought even entered my mind for once. Even if it doesn't stay there, even if I end up cutting again sometime-- at least the thought is IN THERE and in my consciousness now.
I left a message for my T about it. And I called my husband at work and told him. He was so happy that he's going to take me shopping tonight and buy me and outfit for the 1st day of school!
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I think it is huge too. ((((Pilgrim))))
Congratulations!!!! as you said"YAY" I am so happy for you!!
john w
www.keeperskorner.com
Tonight I got an e mail back from my therapist. :) Part of it said:
WOW is right!
What is really good news is that YOU think this is good news!
Conratualations for feeling good about yourself. I think this is profoundly important as often at the heart of most psych stuff is the absence of a sense of love and trust in your self.
I would however add that any thought a person has is normal. What iis not are the actions. So what is really great is that you didn't act on the thought and perhaps in time you willl have less of a need to have the kinds of thoughts that are potentially destructive.
God bless you.
Congratulations, Pilgrim! Way to go! I haven't SI'd for...wow, it's coming up on three years now. But, when I did it, I believe it was a way of proving that I mattered somehow. Now, I try to treat, pamper and comfort myself instead and this reinforces that I have great value. You have great value, too! I'm so glad you're getting a new outfit for school--cool!
Oh my goodness, that IS huge!
I'm so glad!!!
This happens with me with my trich when I'm in remission. I just think: "Why would I EVER want to pull my hair and trace the hair with my lips? EW!"
You are making progress...your thoughts are changing.
I'm also glad you can confide in ___ and have him be there for you. That makes me feel good too.
Love
Your Sis