Organizing my thoughts
I havent written in a little over a week. It isn't that I dont have anything to say. I have way too many things to say. Its just that I can't organize my thoughts. Too many things going on inside. Not necessarily in a chaotic way, things just feel foggy.
School is very very busy as always. Today though I got some beautiful, thoughtful compliments from a co-worker on what a great, organized, patient teacher I am. It really meant a lot to me and came at a good time. I have been told by a lot of people how patient I am. Its just myself I am not patient with.
Therapy is fuzzy too. Its been 8 days since our last session and we have 2 more days to wait. My feelings are shut down. When we have to wait too long inbetween sessions, things go crazy inside. They get out of control. To protect myself I just shut down farther.
I'm trying to lose weight. Right now I don't really care that my dietician doesn't want me to. She is having me fill out this food record about how I feel before and after I eat. We all (inside) have to fill it out every time we eat something. I dont have anything to say about it except that its dumb, because I don't feel anything. And I also don't have time for it, but I have to do it anyway.
Today is a former students birthday.He is 17 today. When I first got him in my class, he was 8. I had him for 5 years. And I miss him so, so much. I miss that entire class so much that at times my heart can barely take it. I think about them a lot. But I had to leave the school that my class was at, because my principal was a big, bully-ish bitch and I refused to work in such a negative environment anymore. Now I work at a positive, uplifting school that I love. But I had to leave my special ed class behind. And I think about those kids every day. Only now they aren't little kids anymore. They are turning 15, 16, 17, years old some of them. And I miss them so much.
I have been having sad dreams. Last night I woke up crying because in my dreams I kept calling all my new friends my OLD best friend's name. I still am mad at her for what she did 2 years ago.
There are other things going on that I just can't talk about. I feel lonely and isolated. I wish I had someone to talk to.
Anyway, there's my update. I'm sorry if I sound all....robotic. I feel robotic right now. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down. I am very, very removed from the world at the moment. I am just trying to get through another day.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
ditto the above; I'm almost always available.
good evening pilgrim
we hear you and know your pain. take heart in your feelings for your former students because many of them remember you just as fondly, be sure of that. If you would like to write via email to us we would be glad to listen, you don't have to be alone.
peace, blessings and hugs
keepers