How do I believe that it wasn't my fault?

this is just jo.
i went to therapy tonight after mae had a chance to talk.
i dont know what is wrong with me.

Been in therapy for 6 years and she's tried every angle she can think of. I still take it all out on myself. Still think that its all my fault. Still blame myself. I was the one who went out on the 1st date. I wanted attention. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone to like me. I just didn't know that it would lead to being trapped in a 5 year abusive relationship. I didn't know that it would lead to being raped. I didn't know all those bad things would happen.
I was 17 and SO FUCKING STUPID!! It had to be all my fault! I wore a dress! I wanted attention! I believed all his lies. He said I was so sexy he couldn't keep his hands off me. He said I was beautiful.

he was so much bigger than me. i couldnt get him off me. he held his hands over my mouth. i was terrified of him. i was terrified of saying no.

but how can it NOT be my fault? It HAD to be. It HAD to be. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself.

i still cut. i still starve myself. i still yell at myself and pound my fist into the steering wheel. my fault. my fault.

My T says to move past this, one thing I HAVE to do is be able to accept that it wasn't my fault. Say it wasn't my fault.
I WANT TO SAY IT. I DO.
I DO.
How do I make myself say it out loud? How do I believe that it wasn't MY fault?
I always believe it is never any womans/girl's fault. (EXCEPT MINE-- because I am more horrible, more ugly, more fat, more bad than everyone else)
How do I believe it for myself?
How do I make myself say it out loud?
I want to be able to say it when I go to T next Tuesday.
I want so much to move on. I'm so tired of being stuck.
Please, help me figure this out.....

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

comments.gif

regardless of whose fault it is (and it's NOT your fault) your way out is to make an active choice not to let this moment in time shape the rest of your life.

if you do this you continue to give him power.

the best way to survive any act of violence is to find a way to go on with the best life that you can imagine.

by being the best that you can try to be, you've proven that you are stronger then the person that tried AND FAILED to overpower you in the longer term.

just my opinion, hope it helps.

my theripist said that said that i am all of us she said i
am lorreta and susie even even though i don't see things as lorretta dose dosen't mean that we aren't the same and that we can't become one sometimes lorrett
tells robin our theripist that i give her a headach because i never shutup but i shut up alot thank you very much robin likes me os i send
alot of time telling i had a eatting problem because i couldn't stop them from hurting others that broke my heart os would find ways stop myself from eating to or hurt me until robin [our friend and therispt ]show that i did my job by telling on them and tring to make them stop hurting others,you have see that sometimes poeple are bigger and they can over power us and others because they are bigger than us thats
what robin is tring to teach me not to hate poeple because they are bigger than me and it's ok to want somone to think your pretty everyone likes to feel pretty and needs some one to love and be loved back it dosen't mean that because you were looking
for these things that you wan'ted him to do what he did
i know this because happened to me but i was 7yrs old and thats how robin said that i was broken thats what she said made me and time stopped for at 5yrs is susie,7yrs is me,almost 41yrs is lorretta if as women wan't this how come we are damaged because we something we such be right
and makes you feel good inside not in emotional pain out to destory ourself i can only control my own actions not some one else espicalie if there big some times poeple are bigger than us and
we get hurt its thier fault if hurt others our fault robin said that i give you my
word she dosent lie i promise
now i don't use food to punish myself or any thing else because wasn't my fault what happened to or others wasn't a fair fight because they where bigger. ok see some times you can't poeple that are bigger than and some times kwon one believes you.us some times poeple are just bigger and out to destory them selves and other
i hate bigger poeple that hurt others it makes us hangery and it breaks my heart .they such becareful if your bigger not hurt poeple that are smaller and maybe they no what right from wrong is and to be jail to control thier actions.thank for letting me talk even if lorretta says i never shut up
its only because wrong is wrong know other way to see he couldn't control his actions os he was wrong and you just wan'ted to feel pretty like every one else likes to feel pretty and loved
ok eat like me and don't use food punish your or cut your self cause it laeves lines that don't go away next your do wan't hurt your self robin
in stead go tan or color your hair make self good because it your do oppisit you've been already hurt enought remenber robin it wasn't fault os it couldn't be your fault right cause she dosen't lie ever right. thank for listening to me i will be quite now just more lines and
eat ok. thank sue




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