My family
I'm being reminded in a major way why I had to move away from my family. Its because they drive me INSANE. There is no communication in my family. They are always busy and I am always left out. Its been that way since I was a little kid. My parents lead their own lives. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etcetera, all live their own lives. Everyone is in their own little world in my entire family. Is it any wonder that I went into my own little world? Not only to just escape everything that was going on, but to just...well, why not? Everyone else was doing it too.
If I still lived with my family, as much as I love them to pieces, I'd still be believing all my parent lies about how the world works and what I am (nothing), I'd still be anorexic (and most likely dead by now), I'd still be suicidal almost all the time, and I'd still be completely lost in my head listening to the voices all the time.
I hate being left out. I WANT, desperately, to know what they're doing, what's going on in my nieces preschool, what's going on with my mom and dad, how work is going, how medical procedures are going that people are going through, what happened when they all played cards and my grandparents' house the other night. I want to know how my uncle's kids are doing in school. I WANT to see the family pictures . I want to hear how the older kids are doing in college. On one side of the family, at least. The bad side of the family, I don't care much about. But the good side of the family, the side that wasn't abusive-- I DO care. But I rarely hear anything. And I miss it so much.
I had to move away from my family to save my life. But I miss out on everything, being on the other side of the country. I hate it. And no one tells me ANYTHING. Its nearly impossible to get anyone to return my calls or my e-mails. Everyone just gets away with "Well we're BUSY." So am I. I stayed up until 2 a.m. last night working on a project for my job. Yet I still had time to write three e mails to people. Its about making time. My family seems to find that impossible.
I feel like I'm worthless to them, when they mean everything to me.
Today is a day for hiding away from everyone. Sometimes I wonder how many of my family members will even bother to come to my funeral. They'll probably be too BUSY. I wish I could go away. I feel like no one would even notice.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
hi--we've been reading your blog from time to time. i don't remember where we found you--through Austin of Sundrip Journals or Keepers or someone/somewhere else.
just wanted you to know that we hear you. we also really like what you share here--it helps us. so we would notice if you were gone from cyberland. we're sorry you're feeling so worthless to your family. it sounds like they treat you like fool's gold when really you are gold and golden within and out. you deserve to be treated with precious and tender loving care.
julies
WE'D notice if you were gone. And, we'd miss you, too.
Don't let it get you down. Sooner or later they will make time for you. I've been reading your postings for a month now and I find them very interesting.You realy bare your soul here and from reading the comments it seems to be very helpful to others. I don't have DID but I do work in the Mental health field. I've only come in contact with one other person like you and I wish I had known about your blog I think it would have helped this person a lot. Don't stop doing the things that are healthy for you.
we know exactly how you feel, unless they want something from us we never hear from them. i can leave messages or send emails and i get no resposne, unless i am curenlty doing something for them that they wanted. to our families we are worthless and not worth the time of day. Yes, we know exactly how you feel.
peace and blessings
keepers