Coming home...from home.-- A ramble.
I've been gone for over a week. Out of town, visiting family. There are a lot of miles between us now. When I left home, out of necessity and fear for my life (ex boyfriend stalking me), that was the hardest decision I ever made. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Worth it in the end, but I was terrified at the time. There are times now that I still can't believe I even did it-- especially when I was only about 22 years old or so. I don't know that I could be that brave NOW, let alone back THEN.
If ever there was a person who wished they could be in 2 places at once, its me. I'd give anything to stay there with my family-- anything. But at the same time I realize that if I stayed there, where they still live, it'd kill me pretty fast. Its the wrong environment, the wrong town, the wrong state, the wrong place to live, the stress in their lives would give me a heart attack after about 2 weeks. I'm fairly good at managing the stress in my own life (if you can quantify living as a multiple as "managing"), but the stress in their lives makes me crazy after a couple of hours. There is no way, under any circumstance, that I could live where they live now. Even just going back home there for a visit lends itself to nightmares every night, flashbacks, running into people I don't want to see, night terrors, and brings up a lot of issues that I'm not ready to deal with.
And I love MY home--with my good husband, my amazing job, my students, a city that I love that is always bustling and busy.
But all the time-- I worry. I worry about my family, my sister and her kids, my mom and dad, my cousins, you name it. I worry constantly about them. Every minute of the day, there they are taking up headspace with a big "ARE THEY OKAY!? Is there anything wrong with them? Are they SAFE?" sign over their faces. At least when I'm there with them, I know they are ok. I'M stressed out to the point of possible spontaneous combustion, but at least I know my family is all right if they are all right there in front of me. Here at home, I'm fairly stress free, but I'm constantly worry about them.
I wish I could be both places. I wish I had my family here. This is my home, in the city, on one side of the country. But that is my home too, where they are, on the other side of the country. I'm lucky enough to have 2 homes. I just wish I could be in both of them at once.
hm.... a better update when I haven't been hanging around airports all day and can make more sense.
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