There are 2 groups I want to join...
Remember when we tried to join a trauma group at the Women's Center last summer? I really wanted to get in... this lady even had to INTERVIEW me... I lost it in the parking lot beforehand. It was so scary and I tried to be really brave. But the lady called my therapist and then called us, and said that she didn't think I was ready for it. I sure thought I was. Past ready. Of course, then my therapist agreed with her, and naturally I had no say in it. God forbid someone listen to me. But the lady at the center said that she'd call me in December because they'd have a new group starting then, and she'd see if she could get me in that one.
December is well past though... and i never heard from her. I really wish I had been able to join. I know it would have been hard work. But... well maybe it just wasn't the right time, I guess. Or maybe I am still not the right person.
The other group I really want to join is one of our church's home groups. Our church is really huge and divides members up by where they live into community groups, sort of like neighbors that get together for weekly meetings. Its a really cool thing they do. I hear lots of good things about it. Its so church members can have other Christians around who they can get support from, have parties with, go have fun with.
A few years ago my husband and I tried going to a home group with some people we know from church. This older couple that was really friendly invited us to their group. So we went for a couple of Sunday evenings. The only thing is, that between dissociating and being so afraid of people, we didn't do very well :( It was really embarassing. Its like our new friend just KNEW there was something wrong with me. She'd start talking about how cute and little I seemed (because it was really Mae). We didn't know what to say to all the other adults, couldn't eat in front of other people (why do other people have to get together around food? Who made up that rule? Anorexics do not get together around food! We get together around diet Cokes!) At the meetings I would end up 1)hanging out in the corner with someone's dog and 2)falling asleep on the couch listening to the adults' conversations. Major embarassment. :*(
I still really want to try joining again though. I'm still just as afraid as ever. Inside my head I still hear an echo of one of my old best friends telling me that I must be demon-posessed because I have DID-- that Mae is actually a demon sent by the devil. (*Um... yah, sure.*)
Lately I have been thinking about asking my husband if we could try joining the same church home group again. It would be nice to just have a place to get out to once in a while. The thing is... I won't even be able to be myself. I will always have to keep who I really am a secret. My entire real life is a secret. On the outside I have to make sure that I am the smiling, happy teacher with just a few problems that I can handle on my own-- that everyone likes to see. I'm so ashamed and embarassed about what my real life is like. If anyone ever knew me they would hate me... they'd run screaming the other way. They wouldn't want anything to do with me. I've lost 3 friends who have said they'd "always be here for me" because of them finding out about my eating disorder/cutting/ DID. I can't ever let any other outside people find out, ever again. If my husband and I do join a home group again, it will be nice to have people to meet with as a couple. But I will still remain on the outside, pretending to smile.
____I am really sorry for all my pessimism today and these posts. There are a couple of things going on in my head that I really, really am having a hard time dealing with, and I can't talk about them with anyone. I don't feel like I can tell anybody what's going on inside with us-- especially with Mae, me, and Jo. And I'm just lonely and wishing I had someone to talk to. I apologize for these rambling, self-serving, piti-fied posts today___
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