Unending grief
Its jo.
Someone on tv just said something (I wasn’t expecting) about a man being caught in his car when it caught on fire…and how the man kept screaming and screaming, and how you could smell him burning up.
And now I’m having flashbacks about L.
I want to cut. I feel like throwing up.
I can’t ever stop wondering. Did she wake up when her car started to go off the road? Did she bump her head or something and pass out? Did she know her car flipped over? Did L know her car was on fire? Did she try to get out while it was burning up? Was she trapped? Did she know she was dying? Did she get knocked out when her car hit the telephone pole and she didn’t know anything was happening? (please God let her just not have known.) Was she screaming for help and no one came? Her parents saw the accident from their living room window. Did they try to run to help her but they couldn’t get her out?
Her parents are separated now.They didn’t make it.The 1st years after her accident, I used to put a 2 line memorial in the newspaper...and send her parents a card. There wasn't any acknowledgement for it, so I stopped.
Was their anything left of L's body? Did the car explode? The article in the paper didn’t say. Did she know what was happening?
This still haunts me.
I still have dreams about her.
I miss her. I MISS HER.
If she would have just stayed awake for 30 more seconds she would have been safe at home in her driveway. Thirty more seconds and that’s all and her life would have been SAVED and my life would have been so different.
sorry... i forgot to say that this is an old friend who was killed in a car accident in the early 1990's on her way home from work one night. i can't seem to get over it.
I wish I could. I wish I could let her go.
Within a month of her death, I was back to throwing up and starving myself again. And exercising all the time. I had been doing better, going to college and being all preppy and outgoing.
Then she died.
And I disappeared.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Losing someone you care for in such a tragic way leaves a lot of questions and what ifs in your mind. Like you said, 30 more seconds and things would have been different for a lot of people. we are so sorry for your pain.
keepers
What a sad and horrifying way to lose a friend. I am so sorry for your loss. Though it's been years since it happened, the loss is still with you. Take care of yourself while you are triggered. Nothing you might do to punish yourself will help. You did nothing wrong and are hurting. You need gentle reassurance. Be good to you.