What happened to Mae, Pilgrim, and the beginning of Caroline

Last week, Mae talked about the day that she "disappeared" in order to get away from her mean kindergarten teacher who was yelling at her. She went to this very strict Baptist school where nothing was tolerated and you had to toe the line. But the teacher yelled at her one morning, because she yelled for her best friend to get in her seat before the teacher came in the room and saw her standing up. The teacher yelled, and put Mae in the corner-- in "the bad kid's stool". Mae was so embarassed and scared that she dissociated. But she only meant to disappear for a little while... not for 25 years.

Because the stress of being around a lot of people often causes us to dissociate, the same thing happened in 1st grade just a little while later. Pilgrim wrote this:
Ok, 1st grade… 1st day… new school. I had to leave my other school from Kindergarten (in Ohio) and my sweet teacher, Mrs. ____I joined her class in January. I loved her. I got really attached to her. I cried on the last day of school because I didn’t want to leave her. But then I had to go to a new school. I remember walking down the hallway to find my class, and the kids were all noisy. And Mrs. D must have been standing at the door… there would have been a class list telling us who’s class we were in, so I am sure I knew she was going to be my teacher. So I am sure I at least knew to look for a lady teacher. I remember she asked who I was, and I told her my name (I was scared to death) , and I went in her room. Only it was so bright in there, kind of yellow-bright, and it smelled funny like an old school does, and it was hot, and the kids were loud... I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was suffocating in there.There were these Snoopy name tags the teacher had made with our names on them, and I was supposed to find mine and then go sit down. The desks were in a big giant square with everyone looking in. So the teacher could stand in the middle with everyone looking at her. But it seemed like such a long walk. And my head was all swirly, I felt like I was suffocating, I was sitting next to TWO BOYS on both sides of me I am sure I sat down in my chair.

This is what actually happened moments later, according to Caroline:
You know, I remember the first time I opened my eyes. It was the 1st day of 1st grade. She had just walked into the 1st grade classroom on her own. It was noisy, the flourescent lights were too bright, it was hot in there, and the room seemed like it was stuffed with kids. I think it must have been too much. She must have found her seat with her name on the desk, or maybe the teacher directed her there, and put her head down.
What I remember is lifting my head up and looking straight ahead. The 1st thing I saw was that across the room from me were these Snoopy nametags the teacher had drawn and written names on. And I just remember feeling really confident. I knew this was FIRST grade. As in worksheets, addition and subtraction, this was moving on to the important stuff. I had a plaid dress on I think, and nice shoes, and my feet didn't touch the floor yet. I loved 1st grade. I was bigger, had long hair in pony tails, and that just really made me feel good.
I didn't really think about someone else having just disappeared. I just thought about this being a brand new place and I was just brand new and smart and big and I wasn't scared of anything that was going on, I was going to talk and make friends with the teacher and with all the kids in the class.
Anyway, I just tell you that because Mae told me how she told you she disappeared into the wall. Then Pilgrim was there, and then, in 1st grade, there I was.

There was going to be more to this entry but... this has gotten to feel too revealing all of a sudden. We wanted to write more about this and explain some things, but tonight we're just feeling too suspicious, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. Maybe more tomorrow night.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by The Real Me on January 21, 2007

2. Posted by keepers on January 22, 2007