It seems to me that your husband has no effing clue what things are like for you, and that he needs to get himself educated and quit beating up on you emotionally.

I'm not DID (bipolar is my flavor) but I totally understand about trying to do and say the right thing and finding that the trying actually makes it harder. It happens to everyone at one time or another. God, I've had dates where I really liked the girl that went way worse than what you describe.

Its getting stuck between not knowing what to say and rushing to say the first thing you can and hoping not to make a fool of yourself vs. keeping silent because you don't know what to say. Either way at best you feel stupid even if things work themselves out.

And I hear you about fighting the desire to cut. I've only done it a couple of times, but the urge is there much of the time, especially at times when I'm emotionally insecure or feel put down or just like I keep doing things wrong.

I didn't cut today, and for that I'm proud, because it was very close. You should be proud because, up to the point that you wrote the note above, you also hadn't cut. One thing I know is that, even if I cut tomorrow, I can keep the pride I have in knowing I didn't cut today. Hang on to your pride, too.

I've been reading you for ages, and I think it is terrific that you are brave enough to get your story out. Thank you, and take care of yourselves, all of you.

Um.... I did cut. I just left that part out because I was so ashamed.
:(

Im sorry you cut, but please don't feel ashamed, its your way off coping, your tool, and it might not be the best option but its hard to not cut when you have been a cutter, I know :(

I think your husband has been somewhat inconsiderate and perhaps needs a good telling off. I hope in time when he calms down you both can talk.

luv Jools

Hi, I was looking for health info. and came across this unexpectedly. I don't know what your beliefs are, but maybe some of this will help.
What we have to "not" do is try too hard to do it by ourselves. As a Christian, I count on the Lord to set me straight on a daily basis. Like what spirit am I in? Is the Holy Spirit inspiring me, is it my own spirit, or is it an evil spirit influencing me? The ideal would be to have God's Spirit plus my own spirit at work, and being delivered of the evil ones, through help from Jesus and His angels. (PARAGRAPH - couldn't get it to space out, sorry.)

And the greatest commandments from a Christian perspective would be to love God and put Him first, love ourselves and love others. And to love God is to keep God's Word, the Bible. From the www.blueletterbible.org, Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep [him] in perfect peace, [whose] mind [is] stayed [on Thee]: because he trusteth in Thee. Trust in God, not so much yourself and others who are imperfect human beings. John 15:5 I am the Vine, ye [are] the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. (PARAGRAPH)

We have to regularly keep an attitude of forgiveness for ourselves and others, and I believe in examining my conscience daily and talking to the Lord day and night, and asking the Lord to forgive me through His cleansing Blood. And nip the negatives in the bud, quickly before they take root and give you an attitude of unforgiveness and bitterness that can hurt your relationships. And watch what we project, too, because sometimes we might not say something, but if we project that we think someone is acting stupidly, or we are more upset than we should be, the negative thoughts can show through in our tone of voice, or our facial expressions, etc. and cause us more problems. So if we get cleaned out spiritually inside first, then what comes out should be better. Ephesians chapter 6 speaks of spiritual armor. http://www.blueletterbible.org
(PARAGRAPH)
And an attitude of gratitude for the good things in life is very important, and not to have a chronically complaining attitude or spirit, and to praise the Lord for what is right. The Bible says somewhere that God inhabits the praises of His people, so this supernatural Presence will help to lift us out of the problem and help us to feel better. And the Bible also says that joy of the Lord is our strength. So we have to look at things with the right perspective to succeed.
(PARAGRAPH)
Words can be powerful, and they can have a healing effect or they can hurt badly. So we have to be careful to bridle our tongues. When we learn how to think more like Jesus, then we can learn how to think and act better. Proverbs 18:21 Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Matthew 15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.
Romans 10:9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.(PARAGRAPH)

Also, regarding depression and other health matters, I've been reading lately about the benefits of Vitamin D and Omega 3 oils. Studies are showing the possibility that Americans are deficient in Vitamin D, which is supposed to be produced by being out in the sun. But if people are home bound too much, or use sunscreen often, or have darker skin, this can cause a deficiency. And the B complex vitamins are also good for helping with mental clarity, hormonal balance, etc. And magnesium can have a calming effect and can help the body assimilate calcium. I also take it when I have a low blood sugar attack and my heart beats too hard, and that helps to regulate it. And the cod liver oil with the D, and B-50 complex has helped me with short term depression, feeling temporarily down. And Omega 3 oils with EFA's or essential fatty acids are important for the nerves and brain function, and also help the hormonal balance.(PARAGRAPH)

I'm not a doctor, though, so this is not a diagnosis for someone else, but information sharing. I've studied about the human body on my own for many years, since I had cancer long ago, but do not have an official degree in health. And I know of someone whose mental state began to improve faster when taking supplements that included cod liver oil with Vitamins A&D, B50 complex and Omega 3 oils that can be found in flaxseed oil, salmon oil and other fish oils, walnut oil, etc. Corn, soy and canola oils have more of the Omega 6's, which Americans tend to get too much of, and so the Omega 3 helps to balance it out. We have tried Smart Balance buttery type spread that has several oils including flax and olive, and is supposed to have a balance.(PARAGRAPH)

The book of Proverbs can also give a person wisdom about life and about human nature. And the book of Psalms can help in one's relationship with God, and when things are not going right. God bless, Monica http://www.soulwellmall.com/health.html

i've always wondered .. does your husband know that you are DID? about your eating disorder? the cutting? does he know all of this stuff?

sounds to us like you were doing everything correctly and to the best of your ability. it also sounds as though he doesn't know or doesn't understand what is going on. if so you may want to consider getting him educated as to what is going on with you.

take care and you did nothing wrong in our opinion

keepers

Caroline has told him some.
so he knows.
i guess he just forgets.
and i dont want to tell him what currently goes on, because it will just get him upset, and i cant take it if he gets upset.
i am already such a total failure as a wife.

sounds to me like he's not doing such a great job as a husband.

it may be my ideal but your partner is supposed to protect you, help you and raise you up in times of stress and sadness. i agree with the keepers .. i think he needs to be reeducated.

maybe your T could explain things to him.

I have some suggestions my therapist gave me about cutting if you're interested in hearing about them feel free to email me. And your life mirrors mine in so many ways.

It sounds like things are really tough. Sorry you cut as I think you were trying not to...but don't be disappointed in yourself. It's only until you find better ways of expressing yourself.
Sounds like your H has trouble expressing himself too, the banging of doors and accusations.
The best advice I got was: don't be the victim. It's easy to think that there's no choice but you do have some choice now...
Btw, I'm only saying what I know from past experience. Someone suggested I draw all over myself in red ink when I felt like cutting. I found it helped. By the time you've done this, sometimes the feeling has passed. Can look abit odd to others if you're a teacher but I was a lawyer when I did this too, it's better than real blood which for me could never really show the depth of the pain inside anyway.
Lots of nice people seem to read your blog too!

i think you're doing amazing, and that you should LISTEN to people when they say you're skinny or they tell you that you're a good person! im serious...there are always going to be people that will put you down, it happens to EVERYONE you just have to keep faith in yourself. good luck!