Hi Pilgrim,
I just read your post...
OMG !
I know what you mean!
I was diagnosed with DID/MPD, too, 4 years ago.
I am sorry that you (all of you) struggled in therapy. It sucks.
Just try not to expect so much or try to be perfect in wanting to say, think, act or be the "right" way when in therapy.
Oh... I know... easier said than done.
But really, you are the way you are and that means that you can't be someone/someway you aren't. You really have no other choice. Even when you "screw up" it is exactly YOU.
There are times when my therapist tells me things/ways to be/think and throws ideas toward me and I don't have a CLUE what she means! I ask her, What do you mean?
I say... I don't follow you.
Can you say that again?
Or, ...huh?
I heard you, but I don't get it.
And then...
When you described how your therapist wants "you" to make decisions for "everyone" inside, as though you are supposed to have a clue WHO inside is capable enough to understand how to make a decision for everyone else... and then, just exactly WHO is it inside that actually makes the important decisions to begin with...
It confuses me, too, when my therapist does that to me, too.
That's like looking into a mirror and trying to tell the image that I see to go get me a cup of coffee.
Well, I know that can't happen! Yet, it is sort of like that!
The people (alters) inside of me are very real, too! In fact, like all of yours inside of you, mine make decisions independently most of the time. Getting ONE to be the decision maker is not so clear or easy or apparent! Being aware of Who will be "assigned" the task of decision making seems impossible when my therapist suggests that "I" assign the task "myself." It's like waiting for the image of the shell of the body we see standing in front of us in a mirror to move on its own and come back with that cup of coffee! No one owns the shell of my body! It's just there in the mirror! We are all on the INSIDE, but my therapist sees one body on the outside! Sometimes I wonder if she understands.
I suspect, for the most part, she does... but not perfectly, and she can't possibly understand perfectly.
My therapist and I made a little agreement. I am human (I know that much), and so is she. Human's make mistakes. I agreed to give her a 10% &#*^-up factor. If she screws up, I need to allow for 10% and forgive her because BOTH of us are learning.
If you try to be so careful in therapy as to try to please your therapist because you don't understand her, or you are afraid of making a mistake, or you made a mistake so you want to hide even more... you are robbing yourself and your therapist, too, of LEARNING how to grow, recover... and for her to become a better therapist.
Try to be honest with your therapist.
Tell your therapist...
I am totally lost.
What you are saying to me is causing fear.
What you are saying to me causes me to feel afraid that I am not meeting an expectation, which will disappoint you...
Or, tell your therapist that what she says sounds easy enough, but it is like "trying to catch wind with your fingers."
Whatever it takes, be honest.
Whatever it takes, allow yourself to make mistakes.
Allow yourself to be confused.
Allow yourself to be exactly who you are, as long as you are not abusive to anyone else... inside or outside. But Most of ALL, you need to forgive yourself for not being perfect. Everyone inside needs to hug, love, accept and forgive each other for not being perfect. Be kind and be gentle inside... everyone together. Take small steps. Share a cup of hot chocolate together. Cuddle up with a stuffed animal together. Be especially loving, gentle and forgiving, together.
You know!
You might even be able to Copy and Print your post and then Copy and Print my post, and then take both of them to your therapist next time as a way to "break the ice" for discussion regarding your struggle in thrapy with her, and inside of yourself because your post is as honest and straight foreward as One could hope for! (Just a thought).
I have therapy on Thursday. There are six of us inside. It might go well, and it might go bad.
One thing is for sure...
I can come to this websight and read about how I am not alone in what I think or feel.
That helps!
Good Luck, Pilgrim.
.... Peterpanippleskin.

it's not your fault pilgrim. you can't be what you are not no matter how hard you try. and you shouldn't be expected to manage adult things if you are not an adult. that is why caroline is there to help you.

i hope that when your T said she needed time to process it that she meant she needed to to look at the goals and how they will be accomplished with this new information, including going at a speed that a 14 year old can handle.

you did good pilgrim.

Hello Pilgrim and others
I don't know the answers as I am struggling with this kind of difficulty myself...
But I really feel for you and I hope that you'll be kind to yourself and find a way to express the pain which isn't cutting yourself...
I'll send you some positive vibes from England, maybe you'll end up sending me sometime when you have energy to spare...
I like reading your blog, sometimes it's difficult to read as it speaks directly to my own experiences. You have courage.

It's a good thing to care for people, pilgrim, and you're a very good person for trying. You can't "screw up" when you are doing for other people; you just can't.

But if you're 14, then you're 14. And you're a very good 14 year old. She will understand that.

you did nothing wrong, you gave her a piece of information she did not have, all you did was tell the truth. nothing wrong with that. not one single little bit.

john for keepers

I just stumbled on to your blog and although I don't have any mental issues, I know exactly what you mean.

Ok, not the cutting bit, but the feeling of saying something I didn't mean to say and suddenly falling off a cliff and hitting every boulder on the way down. The levels of self loathing and embarrassment are extreme. It’s almost like my vision tunnels in on itself for a little while.

But even if you feel this way, it doesn’t mean that you did something wrong.

You did *nothing* wrong.

Actually, you did everything right. Exposing secrets in therapy is about the best thing you can do. Your therapist has another piece of the puzzle and that’s a good thing.

If you can, forgive yourself. Try to be satisfied with who you are, flaws and secrets and all. All humans struggle with this. But your potential is huge and wonderful and you will get through this, not perfectly, but in your own beautiful style and that will be something to behold.

I can so relate to you. I hope things go better next time. How often do you have therapy? I got 2 x a week right now.

I go once a week for 2 hours. My T is an hour away for me, so even though I need to go more and wish I could, this is unfortunately all I can afford and all I can afford on gas money as well.

You know, my T is about an hour away from me too and I am freaking out because my insurance is about to run out and she is $150 an hour!! She specializes in DID and I don't want to change, but going down to once a week or even once every other week is scaring the crap out of me.

I can understand so much of what you talk about. I've only been diagnosed since January and only been in therapy since then. It sounds like I have a long road ahead of me, but I enjoy reading your blog. Email me sometime if you'd like to.

Look, i know this is none of my business, but i read this post when it was longer and it's been sticking in my head.

the thing is, if you're 14, even though the body is older, you shouldn't have to be in charge of everything.

i don't usually get to post (as in, me, the part) but i'm 14, and i know for sure that it's a bad idea if i were in charge of everything. i've been around lately, and i know i get incredibly stressed out and crazy (crazier) if i have to act like an adult.

i've read the stuff you write here and at amj, and i think you have some really smart adults who should take some of the responsibility. it's not fair for anyone to try to stick you with all of it. before, i might have figured, hey, 14 year olds get stuck with all kinds of responsibility, and she should just figure out how to handle it. but my therapist has been pointing out that part of why i've got as many parts as i do is that i had way too much responsibility when i was too young.

as i said, it's none of my business. but it looks to me like you've done a pretty good job so far, but like it's really not fair for you to be the one stuck with everything.

hi, I will prqy for you . some tharaeosts say i am mltipele personalitites, but i am just a little lost gisl who wants a mommy and daddy to loe me and tuck me in at night to bed and sing to me when I feel sik, I am scard too. you are a good nig girl. I look up to you so PLEase dont cut yourself anymore cause i am sad an want to hug you. you just need love like me maybe?