Dealing with people you can't stand, making progress, asking for help, and writing a book
Well this has certainly been an interesting week, to say the least. It started out all tragical, of course, having ex-friend say we're crazy in every sense of the word. That was until we talked to a few people and they all mentioned that people who call others crazy are more likely to be feeling crazy and out of control themselves, and that it says more about THEM than about me. Also, I think that her calling us crazy was helpful in one way also-- some of the girls, like Mae and Pilgrim, were having trouble getting over her-- missing her too much, not wanting to let her go. Loved her too much, reminisced too much about the "old days" when this friend was around. Now they have completely let go, and want to forget all about her. Everything that used to remind us of her has disappeared from the house. I think that this situation will help them move on.
We talked to our therapist extra this week, on the phone, got a few e-mails, plus our session this week, and that was so helpful. Also talked to some friends.
A situation occurred at work with finding out someone's been spreading rumors about us for at least a year. That was devastating at 1st too, til we realized that it says more about the person doing it, who obviously doesn't have enough to do, is probably jealous of all our success at work (and she gets worse the more praise we get), and we went to the boss, who has been very very helpful. This woman at work has been trying to undermine everything I do all year as well, and these stupid rumors she's spreading are just the last straw. We are currently reading How to Talk so People Will Listen and How to Deal with Annoying People, which are both really helping too. Meanwhile, I'm sure that said jerk at work will continue to be unethical and annoying, but I'm going to keep being nice to her and just try to put up with her for one more month til summer vacation starts.
Also, we managed to break some old rules... which was interesting. Asked people for help, and actually got help. Stated how we felt, and got positive feedback (instead of cutting, and getting in trouble for it inside). Been talking with people about the situation with our co-worker and with ex-friend, talking things out, and people have been so supportive. We've been eating, and not self-injurying.
I am still full of stress. I have a LOT to do in the last month of school. The girls inside are still having a rough time but we are doing better about working inside. Also, we have started working on a book called Pilgrim's Journey, which has our artwork and some posts from this blog in it.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Jax thank you so much for your comments-- they are always so helpful. Glad to hear that you got something out of our posts too.
Definitely thanks for continuing to post. I also get a lot out of what you say, and what you describe going through, both here and at AMJ. I really appreciate it, even if my comments are sometimes kind of dense.
I really, really like the idea of the book. It's one I would add to my own bookshelf. (Oddly, I've also been regaining my writing-a-book goals this past week or two... I wonder if it's something in the air lately?)
i've been more silent then usual through the latest round of posts because it's hit really close to my heart.
it's hard to instruct someone on how to make friends that are worthy of us because it really is trial and error. it's finding the people that we have enough in common with that we can begin to form a kinship and then spending the time testing the boundaries of trust, building a relationship, testing and building, testing and building.
as a teenager and well into my adult years i seemed to have a real problem finding friends that didn't ultimately stab me in the back. i was almost too trusting. and felt that the way to go was that if i gave everything that they would too. i believed that this was the way to the kind of friendship that i wanted but now at 40 i realize that what i did was opened myself up to be abused. i gave those that would take advantage, the tools they needed to use me for their own benefit. to make themselves feel more secure, better, bigger.
it's interesting that it was very similar to what happened for Pilgrim and Mae, that finally allowed me to say no more. that that little extra bit of time and that one last interaction helped me to realize that it wasn't anything that i had done. that this so-called friend was going to be mean and nasty regardless of who i was and how i tried to be a better person.
it's freeing, and i understand how they feel.
and i think that missy must be rolling her eyes wondering what took so long.
it's tough to see it while you are in the middle of it. and often even though much time has past our perception of the ideal of friendship outweighs the reality of how we were treated.
today i have 1 friend that i trust. that i know that no matter who i am, what i do, what i say, she is there for me. to teach me and to talk to me. but it's taken a really really long time to develop that with her. it's been slow and steady. instead of just opening my heart to her, giving her my whole life, i have given her fragments at a time. testing and building, testing and building. and with each step we become closer. with each step i understand her more and she understands me more. but she doesn't know everything yet .. and i'm sure there is still more to learn about her.
i guess the easiest way to think about it is to look at your relationship with your sister. you've been together your whole lives but really you didn't know her the moment you met her. it's been gradual as you've grown up .. learning and building that relationship. knowing that no matter what she will be there.
so like the story of the tortoise and the hare .. slow and steady wins the race.
good luck to all of you. i'm sorry that i've been so quiet through these last couple of weeks but whether you knew it or not you were helping me to process those so-called friends once again.
take care,
jax