Not so much a happy Easter
what a stupid ridiculous day and i handled it REALLY BADLY.
my husband works at church in the choir so he is always gone. so today i woke up and he was gone, but had left out a basket for the kids, he had hidden eggs for mae to find, which was nice.. We also got a little white iCat speaker for our iPod, we liked that.
On the way to church, cried about how much we miss our family, how lonely we are, just wish we had a friend, someone to sit with at church (Hubby is in the choir, stands up front). Logically we know that God loves us-- he loves everybody a lot, or else he wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross for everyone's sins--so okay, we KNOW that intellectually. BUT I feel like God doesn't love me, why would he, I'm a social loser and a freak with DID and I can't talk to anyone and I don't have any friends and I'm so lonely and I'm terrified of people, and if God loves me then why doesn't he bring me just ONE friend, why is that so hard? Especially when I try SO hard to keep friends, when I go out of my way to be good to the acquaintances I know, I do everything I can, and yet, I'm still alone all the time, no one asks me to go places with them, no one calls me, my sister is always too busy for me now too, I have to do everything by myself, and the only person that listens to me is my therapist-- who I pay to.
Then in church we're singing this song about God's grace--- "You're grace is enough for me"-- and I feel like crap, because I know that's SUPPOSED to be enough, but you know what, I'm selfish and I want MORE-- I WANT A FRIEND. Yes, God should be enough for me... but God doesn't go grocery shopping with me, God won't call me up and see if I want to go try on makeup or go to Six Flags with him. And I need that so bad. So in church and on the way home, I cry about that.
My husband got home from church and we went out to his brother's house an hour away. We were supposed to go for lunch. So, I tried to be okay with it even though I didn't want to go in the 1st place. But I wanted to go for my husband-- he has to put up with my crazy family sometimes, so fair is fair. And his family is nice, so I need to just GO. But I am still so scared to go. Eating=scary; eating in front of people=terrifying. Talking to people=horrible.
So we got there, and turns out, they are planning to go to alcoholic friend down the road's house for DINNER, not LUNCH. Now I really started to panic.
1. I have a huge issue with anyone who drinks because of the people in my family I was subjected to around ages 3,4 and 5. BAD BAD BAD things went on that I don't even talk about with my therapist. Drinking makes ordinary people do very bad things, and I don't EVEN want to talk about it. And some of the people in my family were jerks BEFORE they started drinking.
2. I haven't been to this neighbor's house before. Strange house--scary. Sensory overload, and there were like 20 people there I didn't know. I can't handle talking to the people I DO know. Now I have to eat in front of THEM, to? My brain started shorting out.
3. Turns out they weren't even going to start cooking for another 3 hours.... we found this out after we'd been hanging out for an hour or so. I hadn't eaten yet today. For someone who's normal, this MIGHT have been okay... for someone who is attempting to recovery from an eating disorder, even on a bad day I cannot let myself go this long inbetween eating. It sets me up for a binge and for stomach aches and dizziness among other things. I started to panic more.
I was completely panicked and terrified. I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted to go up to my sister and law and ask how things are going. Or...something. What am I supposed to say? She was already having a conversation with her best friend and her sister (I think it was her sister.)
I wish so much I could hang out with my sister. I wish so much I had a best friend. How do people know what to talk about?
The talking in my head was so loud. Mae, Jo, and I kept switching like in a revolving door, and my thoughts kept getting mixed up, I was trying to cover my eyes, and I was also exhausted from not eating and from being really really cold in their house.
I officially name this day from hell at that point. I was trying so hard not to cry out loud. I needed to get out of there. I needed to scream. I wanted to cut so bad. I needed to go throw up. I needed to go bang my head into a wall.
FINALLY, thank GOD, my husband must have taken pity on me at some point, or else just gotten hungry himself, because he decided we could leave and we just went to McDonalds and headed for home.
We didn't get home til 7:00, and now its too late to do the things I had planned for us today (coloring, artwork, clean the house, laundry, stuff for school, work on my class webpage for a few hours [have to do it a few hours at a time to do it well... for us at least], give Mae some time to play, etc)
WHAT A STUPID STUPID DAY. Mostly because of me and my totally inept social skills and total inability to speak or make conversation.
So much for a celebration of Jesus rising from the grave.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
seriously pilgrim .. your husband needs some re-education on what it is that you can and can't manage. it doesn't do him any good if he is not tuned into your stressers and running interference for you. he should have KNOWN that this was an issue and made some excuse to 1) go to mcdonald's before going to the new house so that that there was one less issue. 2) spent time with you alone to discuss how you would handle things.
i would be your friend. i wish i lived in the states cause definitely i would be your friend. and probably i'd knock your husband upside the head for being so thoughtless and uncaring.
Wish I would've been there too.
Hi Pilgrim
Sorry you had such a horrible day. I am not religious but think we all deserve love, from God or husband or family or whoever. Often we don't get it and then we have to be extra kind to ourselves. The best friend you have will always be yourself, honestly.
Sorry to hear about the abuse when you were 3, 4 , 5 that's a really massive thing to deal with honey.
Take care,
Anna
Well, it wasn't my husband's fault at all... he had no idea what the day was going to be like, and that lunch would end up being dinner at friend's house with strangers. He did sit near me, that was probably an effort to help. He didn't do anything wrong.
i am just so glad that yesterday is over.
hi pilgrim, i apologize for attacking your husband.
i tend to have an over-idealistic view of marriage and what our spouses should do for us.
i would like to believe that he would have done more. that he would have antipicated your needs as the day changed. that he would have been paying close enough attention to see how things were changing and how you would have been impacted.
i guess that not everyone, especially men, are that in tune.
i'm sorry that such a nice day was so stressful.
Pilgrim I can totally relate to the going to inlaws, and having to deal with all those people etc.. I would be the same. My partner Chris his family are nice but i feel like im sitting outside and watching from a distance i never feel part of it i never know what to say etc. I think because like you I was not brought up in a healthy enviroment I didn't learn those skills.
From reading ur blog I have learned though that you are a lovley and caring person and you are coping with all those parts so well and boy do i know how hard it is. I also read carolines post bout how she had to have a word with all the "girls" just to get a mins peace, that made me chuckle, iv been there so many times.
Good luck with therapy today. and i just wanted to let you know that your blog has made me understand myself and my own DID so much better, I know it might feel so hard at times but you are def one of lifes surviviors, all of you, every single part is wonderful,
luv Jools
You remind me so much of ME. Do you live in Georgia?
I doubt you're nearly as socially inept as you think you are. And I wonder, I mean it may be that I'm just not hearing about it but- where/when do you have *time*/a chance to interact w/people to make friends? I'm pretty sociable and "good" at making friends, at least on some levels, but I still need places to meet people to interact with on a more then superficial level...
And I'm not trying to bash him at all, but it does bother me/concern me that it doesn't seem like your husband has a good understanding of how things are with you/your past etc.
I've only read half. I'm going to read it all. But, I just had to say this:
Adam had it perfect, before sin. And he had God all to himself. As a friend. And he needed more. God didn't mind that. God gave him Eve because God knew Adam needed a companion.
God made us social animals. He wants us to love each other. After we love him, yes, but in addition to loving him. That's why you want a friend so bad. God wants you to.
Jesus loved people. Jesus loved friends. He loved being with them. Remember Mary, Martha, and Lazarus? How about John? And all the parties he went to. He loved friends. After he loved God, but in addition to that. That's why the worst thing that could be done to him wasn't the pain of the cross but all his friends leaving him. That's why Peter cried so bitterly not for himself but for what he knew he did to Jesus in denying him.
God wants you to have a friend. And to love them. WHy don't you? I don't know. Why is there so much pain in the world?
"An enemy has done this."
I'm sorry you're having a bad Easter, Pilgrim. You deserve better.
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