Right now i am falling apart again... spacing out really bad too. sorry if this doesnt make any sense,./ the past few days have been really hard. and i was trying to hold on today just to make it to my therapy appointment, and this afternoon at work my therapist called and cancelled on me because of bad weather. that made evferyting even harder to deal with. i am pretty sure that God hates me right now and has given up on me. Every single thing i need just gets taken away. i think God's trying to teach me a lesson to not be so selfish and bad.

yesterday i stayed home from work... it was a very terrible day. self- destruct mode. swtiching too much and too often to function, couldn't think clear. would have been worthless at work.

T called us yesterday aftenoon..i'm sorry, i'm spelling things wrong. my stomach hurts, anxiety attack is big right now. i apologize./ i need someone to talk to so bad.

Something happened..., and got bad news about something. Then, we all spaced out a lot. Then, Missy wrote something to ex-best friend, which I think was really trying to stick up for me, although I'm not quite sure what it said, but in Missy's style I'm sure it came off bitchy. So then ex-friend wrote back saying how she doesn't need someone like me in her life, how I am "crazy in every sense of the word."

(Because, you know, she's THE authority on crazy, given that she used to cut herself and bleed into containers to measure out how many ounces of blood she lost... and her psychologist diagnosed her as borderline.. and she spent tons of money on diet pills even though they were killer her.. Obviously she is COMPLETELY sane) <--- see, i have a different view than jo does.... this is someone that i used to just love. i didn't care that she did those things. i cared about her anyway. i THOUGHT she cared too... i thought we were best friends, although looking back, i realize that it was mostly all a lie. and i think that i was too much of a pain to be around, even though being her friend was hard because of the things she was going through, i think that i was hard to be friends with too because of what i was going through. i think that the switching was too much for her to handle, even though she SAID it wasn't a problem. but i think it was still just too much. i think that even though she was cutting and had an eating disorder, the fact that i was cutting and had an eating disorder... well i should have just kept that a secret. i should have never asked her to come over when i needed company. i should have never asked her for things. i should have just... pretended everything was fine, or something.... something. i dont know. and now its too late to go fix it.... i just have to move on, and try not to keep making the same mistakes.
so now i don't let anyone in, and i don't tell anyone anything. its just better, if no one gets to know me. obviously, once they// get to know me, they're going to leave me.

i am pretty sure that i am supposed to be perfect, and good-- VERY good-- if i want a frriend. not one of CAROLINES friend... i want one of my own. i want one so bad. Caroline has lots of friends, because she is smart and she makes people laugh really hard and she gets all kinds of accolades for teaching, and she is popular at work and has articles written about her, and the bosses just love her, she is a great teacher. i am nobody. i just want someone to go to a movie with or a walk with, thats all. i want so much to have a friend.