May 6, 2007

This have been just crazy around here but mostly in a good way.

I have been so busy that we haven't had time to write in our therapy notebook, haven't had time to post, and some stuff has been going on inside and my mind has been racing. However, its been a good thing because its kept us too busy from ruminating endlessly over the intense crap going on at work and with relationships. So that is good. There are also less than 3 weeks of school left-- all my lesson plans are done, thanks to Caroline who works like a horse. We have some secret projects going on as well, trying to get them done by the end of May, and are getting ready for our summer job. We'll be working for the administration office again which is kind of fun, and we like hanging out there because we keep up to date with the new things that are going around there. The only thing that was difficult this week was getting hurt pretty badly, and we can't walk and are in a lot of pain.... usually we can block out the pain, but this one is really bad.. NO we didn't do it to ourselves. So now we have to head off to work tomorrow on crutches. That also means no exercise... which is hard on us. But its also given us more time to just sit and read some books and magazines that we haven't had time to get to in a while, which is good. We also got a new puppy, and he is just a really joyful (and gigantically huge) guy to have around. He is also an answer to prayer. That's why we haven't written much the past week, and I'm sorry. In the next 2 weeks things will begin to calm down (thank God) and we should be able to have time to write about the different topics we've been wanting to get to for a while now. So please stay tuned.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:30 PM | Comments (2)

May 8, 2007

Our brain is not working right.

The other day I got hurt really badly. I am on several antibiotics because i have a wound that is infected, and the antibiotics make me sick to my stomach and dizzy. My leg is hurting so much that it constantly feels like its on fire. I'm supposed to be " taking it easy" but we have to work. People keep talking to me and wanting things from me, but I can't read things right, and can't concentrate on what people say but they keep on talking. Therapy tonight was so lousy for all of us. I dont even know what happened really, and I was there. Pilgrim then me, then Pilgrim then me, and Mae trying to get herself in there but I wouldn't let her, and Pilgrim all of a sudden having shooting pain in her head and some flashbacks out of nowhere, but we all tried to ignore it because she was supposed to be working on something, and our therapist completely ignored it anyway. Because, you know, we're supposed to ignore what we need and what we want anyway, so our therapist is helping to support that this week :( Which just reinforces our feelings that we're worthless, stupid, retarded, and freaks.
I'd rather be cutting. I've had enough. And my stupid leg is on fire.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:29 PM | Comments (5)

May 11, 2007

There has been a been a pulling back inside .

Things have become overwhelming and unsafe. We cannot trust our therapist, people who said they were friends, co-workers, or anyone. Between an injury that is causing a great deal of pain, and an overwhelming amount of end of the year work, plus some other things going on, that was just enough. Certain inside people screwed up a lot of important things, and that was the last straw.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:02 PM | Comments (4)

May 15, 2007

I feel so stupid and idiotic around my therapist. She is pretty and smart, and I know that she's not perfect and doesn't have it all together, but she sure is miles and miles ahead of us in knowing how to handle life and people. I feel about an inch tall around her. Today she wrote this letter to our insurance company (BTW BLUE CROSS SUCKS) because they want good reasons why I don't just go see someone in their network. Like after 7 years we're going to just start going to see someone else. Don't think so. It took about 6 years just to start trusting our therapist. We're not going anywhere else and starting all over again. So she wrote this letter with all our diagnoses in it (more depressing than we even though) which even talked about everyone inside :( and then about recommending longer inpatient care. We are never going back inpatient, EVER. This is just not going to happen, for a good variety of reasons that we don't have to share with anybody, and shouldn't even have to justify to a single person. She also put how if the insurance can find someone else who can treat us better, how that'd be just great. We always feel like she can't wait to get rid of us. She always says "its just because I want you to have the best treatment". We feel like crap when she says that because it always seems like she can't wait to get rid of us. We KNOW we're a pain in the butt. We KNOW we're too much to handle. After reading that letter, all of us felt even lousier about ourselves and asked her to just forget it. We don't want all the things she wrote on our insurance record. We'd rather keep selling things on Ebay, and being cheap to scrape up money for therapy than have to go through THAT letter to get money for insurance. That letter was humiliating to read.
Session ended really lousy tonight anyway. i was having a flashback and it was time to go. held it together until i was out in the parking lot, then broke down. saw T in the parking lot, called her name (BIG MISTAKE, idiot), tried to talk to her for a minute, i'm sure she was annoyed, i am sending her a check to make up for the 5 minutes i took up of her time, i was having a panic attack and i should have just left her alone. Missy screamed at me on the way home while i pounded my fists into the steering wheel and then SI'd.
i hate myself. i feel like i'm worthless and no one wants me around. i'm nobody except a bunch of stupid, bad diagnoses on an insurance letter that someone wants to get rid of.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:46 PM | Comments (7)

May 16, 2007

This is Caroline.
School is coming to an end this year-- thank goodness, because I really can't take much more right now. I'm so overwhelmed, and my paperwork is backed up. But today was one of those days, this beautiful afternoon I had...

all because of a sick child that I rocked in my lap ...
One of my students who I've had in my class for nearly 3 years has been absent for the past couple of days. It has been pleasantly quiet and calm in my classroom because of this. He is always hyper, and loud, and needs a lot of attention and reminders to stay in his seat and stay focused. He has made so many improvements in the past couple of years that he's almost like a different boy than the one I first met. But still, a couple days' break has been sort of nice.
Today he came back-- awfully quiet. Turns out he had a high fever and needed to be sent back home. It took over an hour for his mom to show up to get him. So in the meantime, I sat with him in the nurse's office, waiting. He was so quiet and still. So hot, poor little guy. He's not even 6 years old yet. He curled up in my lap and let me rub his back, his hot little head tucked under my chin while I rocked him back and forth. He is such a good, sweet boy, and its so rare that he is ever quiet enough to ever just sit still with me. The last time was probably a whole ten minutes back at Christmastime. Since it took so long for his mom to show up, I took him back to my classroom to lay down while I did report cards on my computer. A few minutes later, he very quietly came to crawl back up in my lap. I told him, I wish I could take you home, kiddo. I wonder what goes through his mind when I say that. He needs a safe, caring home so badly. He needs a place with structure and someone who will tuck him in bed at night. I pray for him so much. I worry that he will end up like so many other people in his family, in trouble with the law or hanging out on the streets at night. He could become president, or a track star, if someone would just help me raise him the hours he's not in school. And pretty soon it will be time for me to say goodbye to him. Not just for the summer, but for real-- he won't be in my class next year. After 3 school years together, he's moving on to the kindergarten class. And I worry-- who will hold him then? Who will remind him to be the best he can be? Who will remind him not to play on the streets at night like his brothers and sisters? I love all these kids so much. But he is another one of the special ones. I wonder... is he going to be okay without me? What is my classroom going to be like without him? (Besides a little quieter.) Its not going to be the same. In the next few days I have to say goodbye to 5 of my students and send them on to another teacher. Its such a good thing to do, but its always so hard.
Caroline.

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Posted by pilgrim at 5:06 PM | Comments (0)

May 18, 2007

So, we're switching psychiatrists again.

We've had enough of the kookie one we're been seeing for the past couple of years. This makes.... pdoc number 5. *sigh*. (The first 3 moved away-- no love lost there, the last lady was a jerk with no bedside manner, so we've been with this guy.)
However:
This guy has had us worried for a while now.
1. When we go, it feels like its our 15 minutes to babysit him.
2. We wonder a lot if he is just sleepy, or dipping into his own drug samples a little too much.
3. He doesn't return phone calls to reschedule appointments until the last minute; changed the phone number and didn't let clients know; new phone number (IF its the correct number) has no message so we don't even know if we cancelled with the right person or not.
4. He repeatedly asks us "are any of the alters acting up" ? Uh... no. We aren't acting up, thanks. And by the way, we're PEOPLE, and we're LISTENING AND TALKING TO YOU. Hello? Stop talking about us in front of us.
5. There are more reasons, but those are plenty to talk about in public.
Our husband is a therapist, and got us an appointment with a psychiatrist through his work. Unfortunately, husband already told the doctor about our DID, ED, SI, PTSD. Y-U-C-K.
We were hoping to not go over some of those things with doctor #5. More like a "I'm [notice the singular] here for depression and anxiety meds, thanks." Oh well. Husband was trying to help out, and did us a nice favor by setting us up with his friend, so hopefully this will work out.
We have a really nice GP, its too bad that we can't go see him. He is nice and friendly, but unfortunately he can't prescribe a bunch of psyche meds I guess. Although we have our worries about him sometimes too. We saw him the other day, and one of the first things he did was grab our leg and say "You're too skinny-- you need to gain some weight." ha ha! Obviously the guys on something. But he's really nice, and good for when we need antibiotics and flu medicine. He doesn't know anything else about us though. We did have a doctor who knew about our DID... I think our therapist even talked to her once. I can't remember what happened to that lady. I think she went to work at another clinic farther away.
So we will be starting over again, the whole "Tell me about yourself and what meds you are on" thing on Wednesday. Here's hoping.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:42 PM | Comments (12)

May 22, 2007

This is Caroline. I have had a VERY long day and have a big headache-- I used to not get headaches or get sick, but ever since we've been working together inside, I get headaches now (BLAH). I just thought I'd try some writing before I went to bed.

There are just a couple days of school left. That feels really good-- I hope they go by fast.
Today I said no to something at work that I'm pretty glad I said no to. Getting rid of a responsibility I don't care to have anymore-- let someone else take over. That was something I have been stewing over for months, and I finally did it. Told my boss "I'm out". I'm glad I finally just got it out of my mouth. Now next school year, I just need to stick to what I said. It will help us have more time to ourselves at home too and time at school to work on other things.
Therapy was interesting tonight. My brain has a lot to take in, although I do much better at it than the others, I'm still processing things. I'm not too pleased at a couple of things-- our Therapist has made it a condition of treatment that we go to some 12 Step meetings like CoDa or AlAnon. Argh. If there's ANYTHING we all agree on is that we HATE the 12 Step stuff with a passion. But if we want to keep seeing our T, then we have to go to meetings. Naturally, she knows this is a good way to totally nag us into going. She knows we want to keep seeing her, so sure, she can try to get us to do whatever stupid thing she wants even if we can't stand it. I'm not happy about it. The meetings are during times that I have to spend time with my husband on Friday and Saturday nights, during church, and during evening church group meetings. Which one am I supposed to pick to give up? Those things are important to me. I feel as grouchy as Missy just thinking about this. I told her that FINE-- we'll go. I'll take care of getting the girls to meetings. Dammit.
(PLEASE DO NOT WRITE COMMENTS ABOUT "YOU NEED TO GET ANOTHER T." or "YOUR T IS SO MEAN." Thank you. She is not mean or unfair. We talked about it, and understand the reasons she wants us to go. I am just stating my general unhappiness about having to do this stupid 12 step trash.)
God, I am all stressed out now.
I feel like when I go there, its all about taking care of the inside kids and what I can do to help them better. Sometime when I go, I really want to talk about myself.
Caroline

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (4)

May 27, 2007

Its summer. Some of us have taken steps away from places we used to frequent. Some of the girls inside have gone further inside to get away from conflict and too many feelings. Mae has had some difficult things come out today. The girls have been dealing with a lot. Caroline has had to say goodbye to some good friends with the end of the school year. There is so much going on right now inside. We were going to attempt to write about it just now, but now that I've opened this window, everyone's saying that its not okay to do so (again, the stepping back thing.) We needed to get away for a while, and apparently still need to be away. We'll try again another day.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:09 PM | Comments (1)

May 30, 2007

This entry really isn't so much about everyone's opinions this is just me wondering out loud.
Last time I went to the doctor, recently, he told me I was too skinny and needed to gain some weight.
He doesn't know I have had an eating disorder almost all my life.
What do I do with that information?
Since he doesn't know, he's probably not trying to manipulate me.
People at work who don't know either, say that to me a lot too.
But I don't know what to believe.
If I told my therapist or my nutritionist that he said that, they'd probably laugh in my face. They work with girls with eating disorders. They know LOTS of girls who are WAY thin. I am really fat compared to most girls.
What if there isn't anything to get better FROM anymore.I eat sometimes-- several times a day in fact. I don't exactly live off apples and bread anymore. Maybe I am actually still just huge.
I dont know what to think.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 AM | Comments (4)