I can't make anything make sense
Our brain is not working right.
The other day I got hurt really badly. I am on several antibiotics because i have a wound that is infected, and the antibiotics make me sick to my stomach and dizzy. My leg is hurting so much that it constantly feels like its on fire. I'm supposed to be " taking it easy" but we have to work. People keep talking to me and wanting things from me, but I can't read things right, and can't concentrate on what people say but they keep on talking. Therapy tonight was so lousy for all of us. I dont even know what happened really, and I was there. Pilgrim then me, then Pilgrim then me, and Mae trying to get herself in there but I wouldn't let her, and Pilgrim all of a sudden having shooting pain in her head and some flashbacks out of nowhere, but we all tried to ignore it because she was supposed to be working on something, and our therapist completely ignored it anyway. Because, you know, we're supposed to ignore what we need and what we want anyway, so our therapist is helping to support that this week :( Which just reinforces our feelings that we're worthless, stupid, retarded, and freaks.
I'd rather be cutting. I've had enough. And my stupid leg is on fire.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
have you ever cutted yourself?
if you did i'm sorry, i know exactly what it feels like. this sort of self-destructive cycle you can never get out from, then you feel like shit again and the only thing that can help you go through it is a razorblade.
i hope your life gets better, i'd hate to know there are other people out there, like me.
eli.
it's frustrating when we get hurt and suddenly can't do things for ourselves, can't get past the pain. it feels like 50 steps backward.
but in truth it's just an accident that happened. just because you can't suddenly do the things that people are counting on doesn't make you stupid, retarded or worthless.
it makes you human.
it means that you can feel. your body is telling you to slow down and take a much needed rest to allow yourself to heal and catch your breath.
it sounds like you are blaming yourself for getting hurt and although i don't know what happened it doesn't sound like you hurt yourself but as you said "you got hurt". an accident.
give yourself a break, pilgrim. anyone in severe pain, feeling dizzy and sick to the stomach is ALLOWED to be anything but perfect.
you are allowed to be human.
I can sort of understand where you're coming from. Our parents never let us be human. But you know what? We don't live with them anymore. You can be human. You can be tired and rest. You can be sick and sad about it. It's OKAY. You just need to remind yourself of that. Nothing feels good or right when a part of your body is in so much pain.
Love
Your SIs
Pilgrim,
No one else is going to judge you by how you are on anti-biotics, nauseated, fighting an infection, in pain, in the last weeks of the school year. All you are supposed to do is stay hydrated, nourished, clean enough to be comfortable, and asleep.
Eat gingersnaps--they are good going down and relatively inoffensive if they don't stay down, but they should settle your stomach. Sleep all you can. Don't forget to drink lots of water. Water, gingersnaps, sleep.
The one very cool thing about dissociative disorder, I have to admit, is that you really can relax and let go and rest if you suggest to yourself that when you need someone else to take over to protect or care for the body or the job, they will.
I'm hoping where you are you can lie in the sun beside some sparkling water and doze. It's the best thing for...anything.
PS i hate everything. i'm stupid and and idiot and i wish i was invisible and disapperared i wish i did nt ever be around. i cant do enything right. i hate mseyfl. my therapoist probably hates me. i screw up every time i'm there!!!
pilgrim