August 6, 2007

Today was supposed to be a good day... back to therapy after 2 weeks.

We've been gone on vacation. Its always scary going back, when either us or our therapist has been gone on break. We are always afraid that our therapist has changed, or left, or some mind-bending abandonment issue silliness like that. We just always get so jumpy. Been left by people too many times, its hard to trust. But always, our therapist comes back,always the same. Well last time we were all on vacation, Mae even told her that she figured she'd be there-- because she always is. FINALLY-- starting to trust her to be there after all these years, thank goodness! (Took long enough!)
Today we got back after yet another vacation. So I have been reassuring the inside kids-- our T will be the same, she'll be there, its going to be okay. They all wanted to talk to her, they all had news for her, and new toys from vacation to show her, and pictures, and some hard things to talk to her about too. They were all so anxious. Mae was really upset about something too, but just trying to hang on to get there, and see that T was the same, and still there.

But this time... T wasn't the same. :( So, my word went all to hell. I am not sure what Mae was saying, but she sensed something wasn't right... and T wasn't there for her... so Mae started asking questions, are you going away? Are you moving? leaving? I guess our therapist started getting upset, because Mae left. Although I'm sure there was more to that, because Mae was probably exasperating in some way (because she just IS). Tuck talked to our therapist for a little bit, and I think that things went better then.

But he asked her why she seemed mad at the grown ups, and she said its because she IS, upset with us because we dont' move on, and do what we need to do to get past all this crap, and she knows how great we could be because we're so talented and stuff, and we don't put forth a long enough sustained effort to get past all this stuff we deal with.. Ok, that's all fine. She was being honest, which was good. And we don't mind it when she says what she feels. but geesh, i felt crappy enough today. I kept telling Mae that our T was going to be THERE for her today. And the SAME. but she wasn't... and now mae doesn't feel safe... and the room didn't feel safe...and T was just aggravated today, didn't feel the same, So today was really disappointing for the kids, who had so much to say, and they ended up feeling worse, and didn't get to talk about all they needed. And I turned out to be a liar, because I promised them that our T would be the same and be there for them like she usually is.
And I don't know what was going on with T, and if she tells me at all, I have to wait 8 days to find out anything. She doesn't have any openings this week.
Yah I know, our T is human, maybe something else was going on. But she didn't SAY that. What she said was, she was frustrated with us, and how she was acting was that she didn't want to be talking about us, and she didn't have any helpful words today.
Yah I know, and I'm 17 and I am a stupid teenager and I misinterpret things and I know I am just saying things wrong somehow and someone my T is right and I am wrong.
But therapy made things worse today for the kids, and I feel like a total fool because last week I wrote to our therapist and admitted to her that I was starting to trust her (finally) and now I feel like a total IDIOT for saying that.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 9:29 PM

August 12, 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4
I just wanted to put this out there, because its one of our favorite sites.
We're thinking about secrets a lot right now. Lots of thinking, and not much writing or talking. Not many updates lately. Will soon, as soon as we figure out how to put what we're going through into words.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:07 PM | Comments (3)

August 17, 2007

This might sound silly. There are so many other big things going on in my life, maybe it is even a little weird to get so sad over something so simple.
I used to teach a special ed class, where I had the same group of boys in my room for five years. They were behavior disordered, MR, gave me lots of problems, but I loved them SO much, and we were like a family.
After five years I had to leave that school. It was so hard to do.
I haven't seen any of the boys since, only a peek of them as they rode by on a school bus one day.
One little boy,D... he was barely six when I got him. He was tiny, angry, and had been abandonded by his mother. My friend (a first grade teacher) and I taught him to read, and do math, and learn some manners, and he became such a GOOD, sweet young man.
A year after I left the school, he went into the foster care system. Somewhere in the huge state I live in.
Since then, I've had no news about him... no one knows anything.

Today he turns eighteen. My little, angry boy who was so tiny and barely six, who I used to take to McDonalds and the park, and who made me laugh when he was being good-- I don't understand it. How can he be eighteen? That's... a man.:sad And I haven't seen him since he was eleven. I feel like I lost him. Because I left that job, I feel like I abandoned him.
I just keep thinking, he was SO LITTLE.
Where IS he now? Is he alive? Does he still remember to say please and thank you? Does he remember me? Even if he doesn't remember my name, does he still remember that someone loved him unconditionally, loved him even when he acted up, loved him no matter what? Every time I think of him, of that group of boys, my eyes tear up. I can't help it. I feel like I lost them all, but at least I could go see the other boys across town if I really wanted to. But D... he is gone. I have no idea where to find him. And since I was "just" his teacher for 5 years, do I even have the right? Just to make myself feel better?
I just miss him so much.
Happy 18th Birthday, Cowboy.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:55 PM | Comments (6)

August 22, 2007

We have been back at work for 3 days and so far things are going pretty well.
Caroline is in heaven because she's only happy when she's working. Even though she is stressed out, that's what she lives for.
Pilgrim is freaking out over having to be around people again, because she'd rather stay home in the quiet solitutude of our house and just stay home with our pets all day.
The kids don't want to go back to school because they don't get to watch Sesame Street every day now.
Missy is having a good time hanging around with her friends again at work.
It makes things hard when our schedule gets more cramped for time. This year we're going to try hard to do better at sharing time and making time for each other's activities than in the past. Ever since we came back from vacation a few weeks ago.... it seems like we're a little more willing to work together. Most of the time anyway. Either that or we're all so stressed out that we don't want to talk to each other at all because we each want to be alone.
Anyway, so thats our latest update.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:26 PM | Comments (7)

August 23, 2007

Really. It does. We have half a day to get ready for school to start. My students are going to be filing into my room...well, more like jumping over each other... before I know it. My brain is completely overloaded. I can't put 2 cohoerent thoughts together. Paperwork, filing, meetings, new rules, it feels like I have all these random, escaped letters and numbers running around my mind. And I'M supposed to be the organized one. Things are crazy. The girls have been painting when they have time to get their feelings out. I'm going to try to go out for a walk later. Probably going to have to put the sound up full blast on my iPod to drown out all these crazy, random thoughts. Caroline

Posted by pilgrim at 2:52 PM | Comments (0)