A birthday for a lost boy
This might sound silly. There are so many other big things going on in my life, maybe it is even a little weird to get so sad over something so simple.
I used to teach a special ed class, where I had the same group of boys in my room for five years. They were behavior disordered, MR, gave me lots of problems, but I loved them SO much, and we were like a family.
After five years I had to leave that school. It was so hard to do.
I haven't seen any of the boys since, only a peek of them as they rode by on a school bus one day.
One little boy,D... he was barely six when I got him. He was tiny, angry, and had been abandonded by his mother. My friend (a first grade teacher) and I taught him to read, and do math, and learn some manners, and he became such a GOOD, sweet young man.
A year after I left the school, he went into the foster care system. Somewhere in the huge state I live in.
Since then, I've had no news about him... no one knows anything.
Today he turns eighteen. My little, angry boy who was so tiny and barely six, who I used to take to McDonalds and the park, and who made me laugh when he was being good-- I don't understand it. How can he be eighteen? That's... a man.:sad And I haven't seen him since he was eleven. I feel like I lost him. Because I left that job, I feel like I abandoned him.
I just keep thinking, he was SO LITTLE.
Where IS he now? Is he alive? Does he still remember to say please and thank you? Does he remember me? Even if he doesn't remember my name, does he still remember that someone loved him unconditionally, loved him even when he acted up, loved him no matter what? Every time I think of him, of that group of boys, my eyes tear up. I can't help it. I feel like I lost them all, but at least I could go see the other boys across town if I really wanted to. But D... he is gone. I have no idea where to find him. And since I was "just" his teacher for 5 years, do I even have the right? Just to make myself feel better?
I just miss him so much.
Happy 18th Birthday, Cowboy.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Pilgrim :)
Have you checked Myspace, or Classmates.com for his name? A lot of people enter in their gradeschools too, you might can find him there and send a message. Even Myspace, some put schools.. and if he used his real first/last name, you m ight can spot him there!
If you put his name in quotes, you might can just google him, maybe he joined track team or something in HS and would be listed in a town website or something for his achievements.
I wish I had a teacher like you when I was just a kid. People like you make the world a whole lot better :)
Even if you don't find him, be proud of what you gave to that little boy. You gave him a chance at life, and that is something to be incredibly proud of. We're proud of you :)
Oops, looks like it all runs together as one paragraph sorry about that. In the type thing it's sorted but in preview it's a block of text hehe.
That was a really nice entry you wrote! I enjoy reading your blog so much, and it has helped me through some really hard times[I'm somewhat D.I.D. as well]. This was a very heart warming writing. I hope that someday you'll be-able to see him again. We know what its like to lose people aswell. It hurts sooo much and you feel so empty.
Sincerly,
Margo
--
[p.s. My birthday was also on the 17th, I've turned 13 this year.]
What a beautiful post.
I am sure that that little boy, now a man, will have some happy memories of you deep in his heart. Teachers play such an important part in our lives. I had a favourite teacher who gave me much-needed attention when I was about seven or eight. She had to leave as she got married and her husband moved to a different part of the country. My abusive family even told me that she had left because she didn't want to be around me, a bad little girl. I was angry with the teacher for leaving but bigger than the anger was a great feeling that someone cared about ME, someone knew I was SPECIAL - and this feeling drowned out my parents' bitter words. Even aged 31, I still remember her fondly. I hope your little boy's the same and that somehow this might assuage your sense of loss.
What a beautiful post.
I am sure that that little boy, now a man, will have some happy memories of you deep in his heart. Teachers play such an important part in our lives. I had a favourite teacher who gave me much-needed attention when I was about seven or eight. She had to leave as she got married and her husband moved to a different part of the country. My abusive family even told me that she had left because she didn't want to be around me, a bad little girl. I was angry with the teacher for leaving but bigger than the anger was a great feeling that someone cared about ME, someone knew I was SPECIAL - and this feeling drowned out my parents' bitter words. Even aged 31, I still remember her fondly. I hope your little boy's the same and that somehow this might assuage your sense of loss.
Wow! You seem so sweet.
I wish my parents loved me inconditionnally liked you did that boy. Maybe I would not be so messed up today!
I really enjoy reading you. Makes me believe that somewhere someone could love me too!
That's a nice blog, pilgrim.