i'm fat and gross, and i hate my body. i saw pictures of me in my bathing suit from today, and I look disgusting. People keep making comments about how I'm getting too skinny, but I'm not, I'm still so gross. I want to cut and get all this bad stuff out... all these bad feelings that are stuck inside.
Tonight is the anniversary of when 1 of my friends died in a terrible fiery car accident. I know, I write about it every year. I can't seem to get over it. I'm having all these horrible flashbacks of what happened, and that night when I found out. And memories going through my head of when we were little-- playing with kittens in her barn, jumping on her bed, playing hide and seek, things like that. I keeping hearing "Why?!?" in my head over and over, and too many voices talking, everyone inside trying to figure out what happened and having memories of my friend at different ages. We had been friends ever since Kindergarten.
And then she died. And that was it. And my entire life changed in that one night.
Tonight I made one of those garden stones with the stained glass pieces in it out of cement, in her memory. I'm going to put it in the front yard by my rose bushes.
But it isn't enough. I want her back. It really,really bothers me that I can barely remember her voice any more. I had several friends die that year. Either by suicide or in accidents. But her's... it just about killed me. I can remember all those nights, for weeks and months and years afterwards, that I would be too afraid to go to sleep, and I'd sit upright in my bed, crying so hard I would start to choke, terrified that when my sister turned 18 she would die too, or when my favorite cousin turned 18 she would die too just like my friend, every September 8, every July ___ (her birthday), every time I got in my car, every time my sister was out on a date and might not make it back okay, every Christmas when I knew she wasn't with her family because she was dead, every time I saw her older sister, and every time I felt guilty for being alive when she wasn't.
Its so many years later...16 now, and I'm still not over it.
Hopefully, by making the garden stone, that will help. I think she would like that better than me crying.
this isnt a very well written post.there's not even a good ending to it or anything philosophical in it from caroline. i'm sorry. i'm not up for much tonight.
jo