I feel so transparent
So my husband got me a massage for our anniversary... which is one of my favorite things.
I have a regular massage therapist-- she is just wonderful. Very gentle, and soft hands. I just love her. She always greets me with a hug. I've been going for about 2 years I think. So she knows me well.
So today I got there, and all I said was "hi".... I thought I said it pretty wholeheartedly... and she says, "You've been sick."
(how did she know that? I had makeup on... looked pretty decent)
"I can tell. You're psyche is very fragile."
wow.
I felt so exposed. And I thought I was hiding myself so well.
So.... just... I dont even know how to react.
Am I that transparent? Do I show that much to outsiders? And if I do, crap! I'm supposed to be the strong one! Do I need to try harder? I'm supposed to be the happy, outgoing one. Does that mean my time is up? Do we need to let Missy take over for a while to get things done? Can people tell I am stressed out as I feel? Can people tell I've got a war going on in my head? I'm supposed to be the calm one!
During the massage, I did better today. Usually my mind wanders-- the kids, the past, the future things to do, worries. Today it wandered a little, but I did a better job of being mindful. I brought my attention back to the massage-- the feeling of her soft hands, the sensation of the heat and the oil and how good it felt for someone to actually touch me, how good my shoulders felt to get some of that tension out, things like that. Then my mind would wander to "things to do at school next week, the craft project I want to do"-- and I'd say "Oops, there I go again"-- and get my mind back on the music playing in the room, picturing myself on the beach. I think the massage felt better today because we have been sick for the better part of the past 2 weeks, and so everyone has been staying away from us. Feeling so distant, so left alone. Like we've been on a deserted island. To have 90 minutes where someone was giving me a massage was heavenly. She never says anything about all our scars, or losing weight, or bruises. I tried to concentrate on my breathing a lot. I think it helped. Then afterwards, I got brave and finally tried to eat something-- haven't been able to for several days now because of whatever MONSTER attacked my stomach and made me throw up every lately.. I was SO ready for some real food and not my "gatorade/tea/chicken soup combo" I've been having to live off of. It kind of tasted yucky and made my stomache queazy, but, I ate a chicken sandwich... SOOO much better than chicken soup.
But ya... my psyche is fragile?
I mean... she's right. Of course. That's what worries me.
I guess that someone noticed so fast, and said it with actual compassion, is what unnerved me.
Caroline
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It's nice when someone unexpected notices the fragility of your spirit during a rough time. You may not know how to react, but try to see it as very caring and gentle of her to say so. You know how it is around here, no one ever notices when you're sad or upset or feeling out of sorts. Well, they do notice, but they either make fun of you or hang back and wait for you to be Little Miss Sunshine again.
Love,
Your Sis
take care and your massage therapist cares for you. you are safe to the "outsiders" because they can't read what you are feeling/being without knowing you quite well.
take care and know you are in our thoughts ...
Safe doesn't have to be safe from others reading your feelings, it is okay to let them show, this is an important lesson i learnt. did jo's friend like the birthday cake?
caroline,
i think you can rest easy. people who are in tune with their own bodies, like massage therapists have to be to be very good at their jobs, are often much more open to the psyches and the physicality of those around them.
most people, maybe even the majority of people, are too concerned about themselves to see other people that closely.
it's sad, i think. everyone should be that tuned in. but the truth of the matter is .. they are not.