Pilgrim's Journey > December 2007 Archives
December 13, 2007
Just don't feel like eating most of the time
This is just jo. I finally met my goal weight that we set 20 years ago. I finally did it. Because I'm someone who does what they say they will do. Sometime I promised I'd do. No one knows what the number is. My therapist didn't bother to ask today. Neither did my nutritionist the other day. I'm obviously still plenty fat enough looking to not worry. I tried to be honest tonight about how I'm feeling and what's going through my head. No reaction.
I don't think my treatment team believes in me anymore.
I just feel so hopeless.
Its just about impossible to make myself eat when I feel this way.
Next week I'm going back to visit my family for the holidays and that stresses me out big time.
There's so much going on and so much in my head that I feel like I'm going to explode in on myself.
Posted by pilgrim at 7:07 PM
December 16, 2007
Someone wrote a song
Yesterday in our inbox we got an interesting surprise. There was an e-mail from someone in Greece who had read this journal. Carolineine gets a lot of e-mails from people saying how things SHE has written have inspired them. i do not. No one has ever quoted me to my knowledge, but everyone knows that Carolineine and Pilgrim write things that give people hope and stuff like that. I hear it all the time. But me, jo, i write things about depression and suicide and loneliness. No one gets inspired by me. People write "I don't know what to say" to me.
Well this girl wrote a song. That's nice, I thought. I hope its not something making fun of us....
So I clicked on her link.
(Click where it says "Pilgrim Said')
You can read the lyrics that go with it.
Her voice is haunting and beautiful and incredible.
And then I realized who she was quoting....
Pilgrim Said... uses my words.
She used my words from this journal, not Carolineine's or anyone else's, these words from THIS stupid 17 year old teenage girl, and she took them and she made them into something beautiful.
I can't explain why exactly, but something about her doing that hit me hard, and changed something inside of me. I feel like... I don't know. Something inside me is different. I don't want to give up anymore. I feel like fighting again. I feel like trying. I'm still scared half to death of everything and I feel really small and alone but something inside changed.
Thank you Kat.