I was one of the adventurers who was stranded in an airport due to the weather. To keep my privacy I don't feel like I can share the whole story here, but, I was helped by someone who can only be described as an angel who took over when I was very lonely, lost, upset, and feeling hopeless who not only got me booked on a flight for the next day but also slipped money into my hand before she mysteriously disappeared. I can't explain how much of an impression she made on me and how grateful I was, because we were in this great big airport, very alone, the inside kids were upset and had been chattering away for hours, everyone else was exhausted, I didn't know what else to do, and I'm only 17 and should have been accompanied by an adult in the 1st place, and I had absolutely NO idea what to do when stranded in an airport. One kind person renewed my faith in the human race for just a little while longer.
But eventually we did make it to our destination and had a very good Christmas with family. Its hard for me to open presents-- Caroline handles it so much better. I'd rather watch other people. The kids got dolls and books about dogs, so they were ecstatic. Mae thinks that Santa must have snuck her presents into my sister's house because she has a chimney. We played dolls/ cards/ coloring/ painting/ dollhouse/ kitchen/ you name it with my 5 year old niece who is more like us than she needs to be. I'm already worried about her-- she's so smart, so sensitive, so curious, so EVERYTHING. And yet I don't worry because she has my sister for a mom, and my sister takes such good care of her. My niece will have such a different life than we did. I didn't get to spend much time with my sister. Her life is just too busy, too stressful. She has too many demands on her and no help, and I feel helpess to make anything better for her. I can't do anything except when I'm there to do her dishes and her laundry--it's nothing. Our therapist is always telling Caroline-- "she's a grown up now-- let her make her own decisions." But grown up or not, she's our little sister, and when it comes to her, we're protective like a mother tiger. But we did get one night to hang out together and have fun, laugh at stupid videos on YouTube, and there's no one else except my sister that I'd do THAT with.
Its always hard to be there on vacation. Everyone inside has a different idea of what we need to do while we're there. Different inside kids want to hang out solely with "mommy and daddy" and watch late-night tv and have everything be just like things were back in 1974 when it was just the 3 of us. I miss the days when it was just me and my sister hanging out with each other, before I had a driver's license or a boyfriend and the only people we really had to play with was each other. Others want to just play with my sister's kids-- because that's who they can relate to and they don't want to be around grown ups. And still others want to just go back to the airport, get back home, and return to the dquietness of our daily routine which includes every Thursday at therapy because the only place they feel safe is on our therapist's office, and our husband who needs us at home too. Then someone else has to figure out how to make everyone happy-- everyone in the family, and everyone inside. This time it was my job, and I know I did a lousy job at it. The kids didn't get to play as much as they wanted to, I didn't get to do enough with my sister, I think I didn't spend enough time with my parents, and I only got to see my gramma one time. Other people I wanted desperately to see didn't show up for the holidays at all , and still others I looked forward to seeing had to work the entire week. I wanted to freeze-frame every second that I had with each person, and make it last so I could remember it. I tried to memorize the feeling of my nephew's skin, my niece's hair, the sound of their laughter. I tried to discretely stare at my parents while they fell asleep watching tv so I could still remember the memory when I'm old. I tried to memorize how my sister strokes her daughter's hair.
Saying goodbye to them tears me apart. I wonder how many new people we made inside each time we had to say goodbye to someone to try to find someone who could handle it? I feel so terrible leaving them, like I'm abandoning everyone on the front door step of an orphanage or something. I wish I didn't have to leave. I wish I could stay. We'd die if we stayed there though. I'm not as strong or as sturdy as I need to be, and none of us inside would be able to handle what would be required of us to live there with all our family. There's too much there where we used to live-- this week we had so much to deal with, bad memories and flashbacks, too much old stuff brought up, but those are for another entry. We have to set a boundary SOMEWHERE-- if they want me ALIVE, then we have to live far apart, and that's all there is too it.
So instead we have to say goodbye twice a year and get our hearts torn out, listen to Mae on the airplane wonder why 2 sides of America have to be so far apart when we can make it in 3 or 4 hours on an airplane, why we can be at our mom's house in the morning and our own house in the afternoon, how can that be so far apart and why can't we see them everyday?