Another appointment with new therapist. Is God trying to kill me?.
Went to see stupid new T today. hate all this. go in there and feel like gravity weighs too heavy on me, so hard like i cant move. fall down inside a tunnel and my head spins so much, everything goes black and i'm so far away. My chest gets so heavy. I can't breathe. Everything is just WRONG. Gravity is so heavy that I can't move my legs, my chest fills up with hate for the whole world. My field of vision narrows so much that I can't see anything but little pinpoints on my lap. Everyone inside goes on the defensive. Kids cry for Sharon, thats all they want. We hate ourselves. Everything we did wrong. This place isn't right. This isn't Sharon. The whole time there, I can't breathe. My ears got all plugged up. It didn't help that I still haven't slept, have a bad cold, still can't eat, and inside there's a tornado. It isn't my voice that comes out: you don't know anything. Sharon dumped me on you because you're supposed to be so well trained in DID and so far you haven't told me anything that she didn't already know. I AM listening. Everything this new T has said, Sharon already knew. Whats the point in being here? We should be back with our old T because she knew more than you! This being dumped was even more pointless!
New T goes on about stupid things. Sharon already taught me that, this, that, and that that. What am I even HERE for? She's supposed to be more qualified than Sharon? At WHAT? I heard myself telling her again: You don't know anything, you don't know me, Sharon knew me, I don't know you, we don't want to be here.
We hate ourselves so much. We want to die. If we didn't have this stupid DID then maybe we wouldn't have gotten dumped by so many people in our life. Why can't we just have been one of those people you come across who is just faking it for attention?! Why do we have to have DID for real? Its not FAIR.
We HAVE to give new T a chance. We don't have Sharon. We're not going to get Sharon back. We might as well work with this new T. Give her a chance. So why are we acting like this?
I told her I'm sorry she gets stuck with me, a stupid moody teenager with a bad attitude. I do and say everything wrong. If Carolineine was here, she'd at least be nice.
Everything hurts so much.
We tell new T: we hate people. We hate you. We don't trust anyone. We only trust animals. That's all.
We just want to die. We just want to die.
we just miss sharon so much. and so exhausted. Nightmares keep waking us up, the kids cry and cry, when am i ever going to sleep. I feel so sick, a giant shelf fell on top of me today, I got summoned to jury duty, work is overwhelming, and it feels like God is either gone or trying to kill me. It feels like the whole world is ending. it might as well be.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Are they in the same office?
Sharon hasn't come yet. Stupid new T wants to wait for 30 days.
They are in different cities.
part of me thinks that the new T is not wanting Sharon to come so that she can build her own relationship with you and develop her own opinion and plans instead of having to take on what Sharon did.
which kind of makes sense since by quitting Sharon is saying that she didn't believe her chosen path was going to work any more and new things need to be tried.
the other part of me thinks that it's going to be a VERY VERY long 30 days that could be put to better use if you had Sharon there to bridge some gaps and help build some trust.
ultimately, though, this is YOUR treatment. you pay this doctor to help you. so i believe that you have every right to demand that Sharon come earlier if that is what you believe will help.
the doctor is allowed to have an opinion but you know you best, you know what you need to function and so it should be your decision.
was Sharon able to go to your first appointment like she promised? maybe she could help bridge the gap as the new therapist gets to know you a bit better. bring the new therapist "up to speed" so the transition isn't so stressful.
i wish this was easier .. less stressful. i am wishing.