Getting a Master's Degree and being DID
We have been under pressure for a couple of years to get a Master's Degree. It started again at Christmastime on vacation. I put myself under pressure too, it doesn't just come from friends and family. In fact we WANT to get a Masters. It'd be helpful, and it'd be nice to get that under our belt and over with. In college the 1st time, we got our teaching degree and were 1 class short of our Psychology degree as well.
The thing is, in college 17 years ago, Missy and Caroline were the ones who were in charge all the time. I don't remember any of it except a few bits and pieces here and there. I started out doing really well- I was eating, I was aware of everything, I was making friends-- then my friend was killed in a car accident and I disappeared.I remember getting A's on tests without having studied at all, and not understanding how I knew the material (I didn't know that Caroline got back up at night and did the studying.) I remember exercising obsessively in the gym, I remember binging & purging in the cafeteria, I remember falling asleep in class, and a semester's worth of projects getting ruined by water. That's it. The rest of college was handled by Caroline, mostly, who happily tramped around 2 different college campuses studying her heart out.
So-- here I am now.Teaching and the politics of the public school system are stressing me out. What if I don't want to put up with this forever? There are a few other things that we're interested in, even though teaching is the 1st choice. But how would we handle going back to school?
Things are a lot better inside than they were even just a year ago, but there's still too much chaos inside. We work together okay, but saying its "good" is stretching it a bit. Therapy, a family, work, and commuting, plus a hundred other things we don't talk about on this journal, pretty much wipe out all our mental and physical energy every day.
Everyone keeps saying "You're so smart." "You could do it." "Sure it'll take a few years, but a few years is going to pass either way anyway." "You could always get student loans." "Just do what I did and take a couple classes at a time."
Those are terrific sentiments. Also said by people who have no idea how hard it is so force ourselves to get out of bed in the morning (even on Saturdays), how hard it is to make a decision to brush our teeth, what to eat for lunch, or to stop from switching inside just because we thought we saw someone on tv who might look like someone we thought looked like a bad person we think we remember from when we were little who might have hurt us back then.
Add in there some ADHD, some Aspergers, a few child alters who are still learning to write their alphabet, a complete lack of money, some grouchy teenagers (of which I am one), a few people who are totally clueless (me again) and you've got a person who has NO IDEA how to do the paperwork to apply for school (online, in person, 1 class at a time, or what have you), no idea what student loan terms mean and can't manage a checkbook, plus the fact that we cannot figure out what in the world we want our Master's degree to be IN-- or should we go for a BS in something completely different? Massage therapy? Art therapy? Be a librarian? Graphic design? Everyone has their own opinion.
How DO we figure this out? It'd be different, I think, if we had some friends to sit down and talk to about it. Or a mentor. Or a teacher. But the thing is this time we ARE the teacher who is supposed to have the answers. Mentors are hard to come by, and most people just don't know what to say to us except for "just do what I did!" I'd love to, if I could somehow get rid of the other 19 people in my brain. But that's a whole other issue.
I don't know what to do. There has to be something, but I haven't figured it out yet.
Any colleges out there willing to take on someone with DID/ADHD who doesn't want to interact with any other students, needs a totally online classroom, can't write a paper anymore to save her life, has almost no memory anymore, and can only attend online classes on Saturdays or in the summers and who might switch their major 19 times?
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Maybe you could look at a university that offers online classes, and take just one. That way, it's not a TON of money, just a chunk, and not a lot of pressure. Maybe that way you could see if it's just too much right now, or if that one class gives you a hunger to take more and figure out how to cope. I don't know anything about living with DID, but I think that either everyone would get all stressed out and pissed off and freaked out and you'd know you can't just now, or everyone would do what they could to support you. Finding out with just one class would be a lot easier.
Hi,
I am a teacher assistant so I understand what you are going through with school and maybe disiring a career change. My husband had DID and hasn't started therapy yet. I commend you for already having a degree. If you go for a Master's do it because it's what you want not because you want to please someone else. Do what feels right for you. My husband was going to college for three years and just dropped out last semester things got really tough for him. What I suggested for him is to take one class and see how he does with it. Maybe this might be of help for you.
Wishing you well and hang in there.
Lisa
do what feels the best. we have found that online classes are good way to learn, but that is just us ...
I had my worst DID symptoms when I was getting my Masters' degree. Nearly didn't finish and things went downhill from there. I'm 5 years out from my diploma (in a biology field), working as a part-time secretary and still pulling myself up by my bootstraps. That said, if I was dealing with the politics of teaching I might do it anyway, even knowing what I went through. Good luck, it's a hard decision.
jo .. you took the first huge step by writing it all out. what you know, what you don't know, where your successes are, where the challenges might be.
this is huge.
now take a step back and let your brain think on things .. not actively, just in the background of life. then come back to it in a couple of weeks and see if things are a bit clearer.
being only january, i think that you have at least a month before you have to make any steps forward to be considered for the summer semester for an online course.
finally, depending on the course you are considering, you may want to consider an out of state university. that way all online studies would be expected to only be that ... online. this may be an issue for some studies though due to licensing for working (i.e. the education field, at least in canada, requires you to get your degree in the province you are going to work in).
anyway .. good work. that was a lot to write out and consider.
Well, I don't think there's any question about it right now. I must have been smoking something the other day when I was thinking about this.
I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed, I'm not even going to work tomorrow because I can't handle it. I can't even make myself eat-- there's no way I can handle trying to learn something new right now.
Hello
Me again - sometimes inside the real hope for a change meets the most resistance. There can be a tendency to self-sabotage because it's easier sometimes to live without trying to live our dreams and the challenges they bring. I am speaking from bitter/sweet experience.
Don't rule it out just because you're having a bad day; maybe some inside are REALLY showing their fear but you've got REAL hope as well...
Happy New Year.
It sounds like this MA might be a bit too soon. You've been coping with so much in recent months, especially the disappearance of Caroline. Can you handle a decision to change career, the loneliness of study and the debt right now? If you think you can, and it's what you really want, and there are no obvious long or short term negative consequences then you'll know best.
Funnily enough I have been going through a similar dilemma recently about whether to train as a journal therapist. Wouldn't that be ace?! But ultimately I can't afford to get into more debt this year and also have lots to deal with still with insiders and outsiders, too much really.
Have been reading the excellent chapter on how to make good decision's in 'Healing the Trauma of Abuse' workbook, so as to avoid an impulsive decision (like my snap decision to train as a barrister; I did qualify but other than getting the qualification it was all wrong!)
By all means email me if it helps to have a listening ear on this one. I agree good mentors are hard to come by - trust your inner mentor?