In shock, no sleep, ready to give up, re-burying everything.
I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kept having nightmares about my therapist telling me, "I'm done." and her saying she wasn't going to work with me anymore. I can't believe she said those words. I keep trying to remember the other words she said-- like when we gave each other a hug and said goodbye and i love you. All I can think of is how I can never talk to her or e mail her again or call her or see her or be in her safe office again. Her office was the only safe place. We opened up our hearts to her and told her a bunch of the secrets about the bad people. The kids trusted her.
The inside kids are so upset that they didn't get to say goodbye. Claire is so upset that she took such a big risk before Christmas to say a few words to Sharon, the first time she ever talked to ANYBODY with her voice, and look what has happened. She says she's never going to talk again to anyone. The kids are just in despair.
I want to just give up. There doesn't seem to be any point anymore.
We all worked SO damn hard in therapy. Opened up everything. Everything inside our mind and poured it out, and all she did was stomp on it and not want us anymore.
I am throwing away all my therapy books that she recommended I read. No more "Courage to Heal" and all those-- I'm burying all that again, where I guess it should have stayed all along. I'm not doing it again. All that hard work with Sharon the 1st time-- it was so hard.
The only thing I will keep is a drawing that Sharon and Mae did together... because Mae loves it so much... and a rock that says "Hugs" we got from her a long time ago that we carry with us everywhere we go.
Sharon was a good person. A good therapist. More than we deserved.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying.
I prayed so hard earlier this week for God to make things better for me just a little bit this week-- because work is getting more and more stressful and I have less help-- and I was going to be needing more support in the coming up weeks. Instead, I got my support taken away.
I don't trust God anymore either.
It feels like my whole future has changed-- and not for the better. I needed more help, but not I have even less. I have none.
I have no one. Again.
I need to go away-- far away.
She was just like everyone else. I'm not going to believe another word anyone says again. I'm not going to trust anyone anymore. Its not worth it. Everyone just hurts me. I can't do it anymore.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I just want to say I'm so sorry. That's all I can say really. I know she (Sharon) was very important and special to you all. All I can say is I'm sorry...
You said:
The only thing I will keep is a drawing that Sharon and Mae did together... because Mae loves it so much... and a rock that says "Hugs" we got from her a long time ago that we carry with us everywhere we go.
These are massive things, hold onto them and you won't go mad I think. I've kind of been where you are now - though I walked out on the T not vice versa - and it broke my heart too, but you will get through it.
i am so sorry that you have to go through this again. know it wasn't your fault. you did nothing wrong. i have hard a few therapists say to me, "you're too much" and leave me hanging, so i have an idea what was said to you.
keep writing and talking about your feelings. i am willing to listen to what you have to say ...
i truely believe that God does not give us more than we can handle.
the fact that claire spoke to the T is evidence not just of the trust you were able to give to another person but also that you were strong enough to not only take the chance but to actually do it. claire didn't know what the T's reaction would be. it was a risk. and she did it.
you are stronger than you think. you are ALL stronger than you think.
We are so, so sorry and so sad for you that this nightmare became a reality.
You'll do what you need to do. I hope, as someone else said, that even if you can't trust anyone else right now, you'll keep trusting yourselves, each other.
You didn't deserve this. And it's not a punishment for telling the truth. It's her frailty and her failure, NOT yours.
Hold on to whatever is still solid enough to hold to. Your husband, your truth, your life. This blog. All the people you've never met in person you've helped so much. Just hold on.
This is a very difficult situation to endure. I hear your desperation. Teminating therapy can be painful even in uncontrollable situations such as the therapist moving out of state, or closing their practice, for example. There will be a grieving process to go through.
In my opinion, it sounds to me that your therapist was working out of the scope of her practice. My advice, from someone who has been through this (believe me), accept the decision as reality, as sad as it is, let yourself grieve, and postpone any decision regarding trusting someone. Also move toward finding another therapist, even if you are just going through the motions. I believe you will move through this smoother that way. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that everything is going to be okay.
What your therapist did is a reflection of her, good or bad. Not you. I don't understand why she did what she did, but I have been reading your blog for almost a year now, and I went back and read every single entry.
You are a great person (people?) with a lot of talent and a lot to share with the world, and you deserve a safe place with safe people and a chance to get healthy. Every single one of you does.
You're in my heart and my thoughts. Take a deep breath. Try to remember all the good inside you and at least trust yourself. :)