I don't know what's wrong with me (except abandonment)
I am seriously defective. I am crying more and harder. I'm getting really bad stomach aches and my stomach is in knots all the time. Everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about Sharon and what happened and just move on. It isn't that easy. I try to keep busy, I try to focus on other things. Then my thoughts go back to therapy and what happened. The guilt and shame and anxiety feel like they're eating me alive. Everything was my fault. I messed up. I lost another person I loved because of the way I am. My husband wants me to get a new therapist, but it isn't that easy. I trust no one anymore. And I mean no one. And I'm especially not going to trust a therapist. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything nowadays. My relationship with God is even wonky. I feel like I'm just flailing around like crazy and out of control. I'm trying so hard to get control of my mind. I miss Sharon so much. The kids miss her so much. They're all hiding deep inside now. I don't blame them. All I want to do anymore is lay on the couch under a blanket and sleep the rest of my life away. Like I used to. I feel like I've gone backwards about 6 years. I hate myself so much for being this way. I'm sorry I don't have happier posts lately. I'm having a hard time finding any positives because this depression is so bad.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I don't think Sharon would care. I think she's so sick of me she wouldn't want anything to do with me. And my husband wouldn't do it anyway. He never liked Sharon to begin with. I'm not even going into it.
please ask him. you are in distress and i think that he would prefer that you find closure with her then to see you continue this way.
in a way i'm glad that he "does not like her". that way he will do everything to ensure that you get what you need to move on and that she is not able to take advantage of the situation.
this is about professionalism and she owes it to you.
Are you sure you did not see Stephanie? They shound exactly alike. She promised me an ending session and then wouldn't do it. It was just not good. Sorry, I relate to you...I do. I wish you'd talk to me, but you never seem to want to. I noticed you had a T named Katie once and I thought maybe that was why you didn't want to talk to me. But I have totally been right where you are only I did the stupid and overdosed in her office. That just made it worse. My husband hated her too. It's just hard all the way around.
Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache and don't feel guilty about not putting happier posts up, we appreciate your honesty and reaching out for help instead of isolating yourself.
I don't know what to suggest except to say again that grieving to this extent is normal, particularly if the loss brings back a sense of loss of others from times past which it seems to. The only thing I can think of is perhaps you can make some art to commemmorate this very sad and anxious time, because, although you may not believe it now, like all things it will pass and you will then have some record of the intensity of your feelings. This is something that should be represented rather than lied about, swept under the carpet, it's a tragic, human thing that you are experiencing, the loss of someone beloved or, some might say, betrayal (leading to suspicious feelings and self-blame). You might be able to document it in a way that makes a space for it outside your own tears.
I am really thinking of you, I can empathize from past losses - remember standing on a corner of a street in London in floods of tears oblivious to all around me after losing the relationship with one therapist. It took time but I found a better one some years later, if that's any consolation. I can't even remember how I got through the grief and self-blame but I think friends helped...
Thinking of you.
PS THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU *HUG*
I think you simply like being miserable.
Aww, GEE anonymous, you've caught on! Boy, you're GOOD.
If that's not what you want, then why do you have a constant excuse about not taking someone's advice? The whole relationship you had with her was bizarre. You dont get that attached to a therapist. They are not your mother they are a THERAPIST. If they die or they move or they retire then you feel sad but you move on. You dont let it intefere with your entire life. Do you think she is worrying about you? NO!
Okay a-hole. GO criticize someone else. I'm sure your life is perfect. GO away and leave my sister alone. I'm sure you have only one serious problem...a very serious one at that...RUDENESS. *F* off. If you even knew one iota of what it is like to have my sister's problems, you would understand how she feels. But instead you are an underprivileged, undereducated, heartless bastard who likes to go around criticizing people who have been abused as children. You have no idea what that does to a person inside. If you have a problem with my sister, you can e-mail me at onekody@yahoo.com and we can discuss this further. Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.
Sincerely,
Pilgrim's Sister
Who will kick your ass if you don't buzz off
Another therapist can help you deal with the loss of Sharon. You're trying to deal with it on your own and don't have the learned skills to do that.
You will get through this! You've survived worse. Here is a bit of advice- when I am really down about something, I take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Don't try and focus to far into the future and survive minute by minute. It does help me and hope it helps you!
Where are you? You have not posted since the 24th, ARE YOU OK?
Where are you? You have not posted since the 24th, ARE YOU OK?
Hey- I haven't read your blog for probably a year. I'd never before read the comments that people have left. Some of them really are so rude and disrespectful. I'm shocked.
Anyway, I've got to head off to bed here, but I hope this turns out to be a better week.
could your husband contact sharon directly to remind her that she promised a closure session and it is very important that she set a date immediately.
i think it's important for your husband to do this so that he can impress upon her the trauma her abrupt departure has left.
please do this. it sounds like until you have closure with her .. have a chance to tell her all the things you need to tell her .. it isn't going to resolve itself.