I was wrong.
I was wrong to tell my old therapist that I deserved a 2nd chance with her. I was wrong to tell her, "I'm a good person-- I deserve a 2nd chance." I told her about all the positive changes I was making. I asked her to believe in me, to please not judge me by my past mistakes, to try to have an open mind and believe in my future. That I deserved a 2nd chance.
Boy was I ever STUPID. I must have been completely posessed when I said that. Who was I trying to prove? I know in my heart that I deserve nothing. As I have always deserved nothing. Of COURSE she used my past and my old ways against me when she told me no, she wasn't going to be my therapist again, still. That's what people DO. Thats what grown ups do. My dad is right... what the hell was I thinking when I was trying to convince myself otherwise? I'm stupid and selfish just like I always have been :( Of COURSE my old therapist judged me bases on past experiences with me, of course she didnt' want to give me a 2nd chance, or course I didnt' deserve that. Why did I even try? I'm so DUMB.
I cancelled with the DID therapist. I'm not going to see her anymore. She creeped out the inside kids, and it was too long and scary of a drive in the 1st place. She's lucky that she's not going to have to deal with me. Obviously I'm too much, too much of a pain, too hard to work with, hopeless, and not worth believing in.
I dont know if anyone is ever going to be able to help me.
I don't know if I'm going write in this journal very much anymore. People write and tell me I'm an inspiration. I'm not an inspiration. I'm a failure. I had one of THE BEST therapists in the world helping me... and I failed. I flunked out of therapy. Even the DID T I saw, who was a PHD, said that Sharon was THE BEST therapist she'd ever met. The best therapist couldn't help me. The best therapist doesn't want me anymore. Does that prove to you guys what a loser I am?
We are thinking about disappearing. I definitely am. I don't deserve to be here. We're still going to stick to our meal plan. We're still going to recover from our eating disorder. But we don't need to take up space. We don't deserve to take up peoples' time. We lose everyone we care about. We're nothing. We deserve nothing.
The kids' hearts are broken. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. We lose everyone. Everyone leaves us. THAT is exactly what we deserve.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It's easier to believe that this is what you deserve. But you don't. Truly. Humans always fail us. Sharon was human (I'll always speak of her in past tense now...she does not exist to me. I hope I never meet her. She would regret it.). But you deserve so much more. And someday, there will be more. I just...don't know when. Don't give up. Don't disappear.
Love,
Your Sis
It's easier to believe that this is what you deserve. But you don't. Truly. Humans always fail us. Sharon was human (I'll always speak of her in past tense now...she does not exist to me. I hope I never meet her. She would regret it.). But you deserve so much more. And someday, there will be more. I just...don't know when. Don't give up. Don't disappear.
Love,
Your Sis
It's easier to believe that this is what you deserve. But you don't. Truly. Humans always fail us. Sharon was human (I'll always speak of her in past tense now...she does not exist to me. I hope I never meet her. She would regret it.). But you deserve so much more. And someday, there will be more. I just...don't know when. Don't give up. Don't disappear.
Love,
Your Sis
You do deserve to go on and I look forward to reading your diary. You are an inspiration and have helped others. Don't give up on yourselves. You do deserve a second chance. Maybe it won't happen with your old therapist, maybe it's a start to a new beginning that's just around the corner if you embrace it. You need to keep some sort of support system for yourself, even singletons need that. Hang in there and keep yourself well. I'll be thinking of you.
My advice to you, dear, would be to keep on referring to yourself as "I" and not "we." Keep thinking of yourself that way because that's what you truly are, one person. I notice in some of your posts you do that, and that's because deep down you know you are one person. It may feel like the others are real, but believe me they aren't. And the more you're in therapy that only separates you more, the worse you get. Have regular therapy with someone good and talk about real issues in your life. You WILL get better.
Hi there --
I'm reading this months after your post, but I wanted to write anyway. There's probably a million reasons that you post here, but I wanted to let you know how much it matters to a lot of people that you do. Both those that have DID, and those that need to just understand. You might not always feel brave, but your years of posting here show that you are. I wish you the best always, and lots of joy for everyone inside.
It's easier to believe that this is what you deserve. But you don't. Truly. Humans always fail us. Sharon was human (I'll always speak of her in past tense now...she does not exist to me. I hope I never meet her. She would regret it.). But you deserve so much more. And someday, there will be more. I just...don't know when. Don't give up. Don't disappear.
Love,
Your Sis