Pilgrim's Journey > April 2008 Archives
April 1, 2008
Not much to say anymore
I don't talk too much anymore.. I don't each much anymore. I've been getting sick a lot and that scares me because its like I don't have any internal reserves to deal with getting sick. The inside kids continue to hide away. I'm trying to pretend I'm really in my 30's and that I'm the grown up and just trying to do with other grown ups do. Pay the bills and go to work. My teaching job is stresseful beyond what I ever thought possible. My mind is still obsessed over all the things I did to screw up my relationship with Sharon and how I flunked out of therapy and all the stupid things I've done and how everything was my fault. I still cry but I don't have much energy to anymore. It comes out more in headaches and stomach aches.
I took an art class. I signed up for another one. I try to find things to be thankful for each day. I pray all throughout the day. I keep waiting for something good to happen instead of bad. I keep praying for a friend. I keep praying for someone who can help me even though I'm afraid no one can. Tomorrow I have an appointment with new therapist #4. I don't want to go and I'm afraid to introduce myself to yet another person one more time. Searching for a therapist is difficult. I don't want to be doing it anymore. I just want Sharon back. I miss her so much, I miss her office so much, I miss talking to her so much. There are so many things I wish I could tell her.
I hope she doesn't hate me. I wish I knew. Everything just ended so bad and I can't stop thinking about it and hating myself for it.
Posted by pilgrim at 7:08 PM
April 6, 2008
A Mind's Journey got a shout- out on the radio... WOW
Thanks to one of our site members, my support forum, A Mind's Journey, just got a shout-out on public radio. I'm so excited. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :) I can't believe that in just 4 short years my little website has grown from just 3 members and a couple of little forums to nearly 600 members and a whole bunch of support forums for people with DID , guests, and singletons. Hard to believe. God has truly blessed it.
The website, if you would like to visit:
April 9, 2008
Still not a lot to say
I know that people are concerned and want to hear from me. Thank you for your e-mails.
I still don't have much to say. I have gotten very closed in on myself and don't talk to anybody much anymore.
Still struggling very much over the loss of Sharon, my old therapist. Still unable to move on. Still getting really bad stomach aches over how things ended, the things she said and wrote, over not being able to speak to her to get some things resolved. No closure, the guilt and pain are just eating me alive. Work is more stressful. I'm just trying to make it to summer.
God is faithful. He will answer my prayers. God is a good God. This is what I know.
April 10, 2008
My heart aches more on Thursdays. Those were my appointment days with Sharon. I used to look forward to 5:00 coming. Right now I should be in the waiting room for her to come get me. I try hard to keep my act together all day but at 5:00 on Thursdays I just seem to fall apart. It all still feels so WRONG. I miss being there so much. I miss everything. I have so much to talk about. Things ended so badly and with nothing resolved, so much left hanging, so many unanswered questions, things I will never know about... and she doesn't even care. I hate myself so much. I wish I hadn't screwed up so bad, whatever I did.
April 18, 2008
I want so much to dance again.
We used to dance on Friday afternoons with the kids in our class. We'd put these funky nursery rhymes or the ABC song on and jump around and dance and act silly as a fun and crazy way to end a hard week of work in our classroom.
We haven't done that since the beginning of January because I just haven't felt like dancing anymore. With not eating much either, there's not much energy in me to walk or run either, let alone dance with a group of preschoolers for half an hour.
I want that back so much. I miss it.
Tonight I was at a Christian conference where thousands of people were singing praise music. I was singing too. I mean the words. I believe the words. I kept praying and praying for God to make my feet feel like dancing again. Like the other people were. Instead my eyes kept tearing up. I'd try praying again. I know prayer works-- I'd have some prayers answered this week. And I want so much to feel like dancing again like we used to. I don't want to keep feeling like this-- alone and lonely and lost in a crowd of thousands of people who all seem to know something I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to dance again so much. I want to feel happy again so much.
April 21, 2008
Trying to find a grief support group
Things are still going around here. I'm really working my butt off to get through some interesting days. Trying really hard to leave the old me and my past behind.
Someone I really cared a lot about died the other day.
Wednesday afternoon I made a BUNCH of phone calls to churches and other groups trying to find a grief support group. Out of all the messages, I got 2 places that called me back. One group was just ending, and 1 was just beginning.
Since 1 was just beginning, the lady said they'd be happy to have me join their grief group-- I was so relieved. I have SOOOO much grief work to do. I've lost quite a lot of friends in car accidents, to suicides, and I've lost many family members through death. Also I have lost relationships with friends suddenly, and then of course my therapist which has just torn me apart; then my friend died the other day. So I was so relieved to find a group I could FINALLY get support. Even when I was in a trauma hospital, I never had the chance to deal with all the deaths, suicides, and losses I've been through-- and I think THAT is a great big part of all my depression and eating disorder problem.
Was supposed to meet on Sunday.
Saturday night, the lady called me up.
Said to not come-- they decided not to let me in.
(??????) WHO decided?
My grief isn't big enough.
(??????) Is there a ruler to measure that?
Because they have people in their group with have lost children to suicide, women who have lost husbands.
I've just lost relationships and friends.
.....not big enough grief.
They don't want me.
(why can't I ever be good enough for ANY PLACE? ANYONE?)
It bugs me because I want SO MUCH to work through some of these things-- I want to get through these issues and GET BETTER-- especially the really hard stuff-- I AM SO DAMN WILLING TO WORK HARD.
Why can't I find someone to do it with? Someone to stick with me all the way to the end?
(what's wrong with me?)
April 28, 2008
Waiting on God's Promises
I am still waiting. Trying to make things better for myself, and still waiting on things to get better. My heart is still deeply hurt by what my old therapist did. Still broken. I am still deep in depression. I've switched to a new medication which I really hope will help. I'm waiting for that to kick in. I have a new counselor... she is okay. She's not Sharon. Every time I talk to her, I sit there missing Sharon so much I want to cry.
Also I'm working on my future. My job is up in the air. It may be moved to a new school. Right now I'm so tired of my job that its hard to go to work every day and I'm burnt out. Its hard for me to be there and I no longer feel like I have a gift to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I pray and pray for God to tell me what He wants me to do with my future so I'm waiting to hear on that also.
I am trying not to be afraid anymore. God promises that all things work together for good for those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that God is able to do superabundandtly , far and above all that I dare ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). I"m trying to improve my attitude and instead of waiting in despair, I'm learning how to wait expectantly and (slowly) wait hopefully because I have learned to know that God hears my prayers and will answer them as He's answered many in the past. I just have to keep waiting.