May 2, 2008

This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious or really important to anyone. I've never felt like I've made a big difference in anyone's life. I've been left behind and abandoned by most of the people I love, and people don't seem to think much about not following through on doing things they say they will do and seem to feel free to break their promises to me. People don't have a problem breaking my trust. I feel so low around people. I feel so small, so unimportant. Its like no one really notices me or wants me around. That's one of the thing that Mae still has the hardest time with-- that our old therapist no longer wanted her and got rid of us back in January. Being unwanted was one of the hardest things to deal with growing up. Its a big struggle now too. We still keep crying over the loss of our therapist and what happened.
Maybe its selfish to want to feel precious or important to someone. Maybe its selfish to want people to do what they say. I do what I say I'm going to do. I stick to my word. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know what's so hard about it.
I guess what brought all this on is that I'm having a lot of bad dreams this week about my old friends and my old therapist. I keep having dreams still that they yell at me, reject me, and gang up on me. I miss them so much. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss the months that I had friends in my life once.... when we had slumber parties, and all went to the same eating disorder support group, and some of us had the same therapist and nutritionist... and we would laugh and joke around together and go to the craft store and shopping. I had it for such a short time-- it seems like just long enough to see how much I loved it. Then it was gone again-people left, people got busy, people moved away, times changed. And then I was alone again. I just miss it so much. And I just wonder, do any of those people ever think about me like I think of them? Do they ever pray for me like I pray for them? Do they ever miss those times? They've probably just moved on and gotten more new friends and gotten busy with their new lives and haven't given me a 2nd thought most likely.
I just miss them so much. I miss Sharon so much.
I wish I could get over this. I keep praying and waiting. Praying and waiting for things to get better.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:19 PM | Comments (7)

May 11, 2008

...and I still miss her so much.
I have an ache in my chest that won't go away.
My nutritionist recently decided she doesn't want to work with me either if I'm not seeing someone who doesn't work on eating disorders. The counselor I'm seeing right now is just trying to work with me on the grief of losing Sharon, my ex therapist. Trying to get me through that...which still feels impossible. I'm still not handling it well. Still not moving on. Stages of grief? I'm still stuck. There aren't stages. I'm not going anywhere. I wish so much I could talk to her. Maybe then it would help me move on.
I'm still far away from the rest of the universe.
Even right now, I'm spacing out just sitting here typing this.
My new counselor doesn't work on DID or dissociation either.
But I got tired of looking around and going through counselors who were worthless, so I settled on this gal because she's at least friendly. I don't know how long I'll stick with her because she's far away. And she's not Sharon.
No one is as helpful or has the compassion or knowledge that Sharon had.
No one is able to help us like she did. People can say what they want to about Sharon. What she was doing was helping, and she was 1 person in my life who was nice to me every week and showed me some compassion and listened to me. That was all I needed.

I'm still looking for a new job.
The other day I got injured at work pretty bad so that motivates me even more to find someplace else to work. I'm still waiting and praying and waiting and praying for God to do something good in my life. The Bible says that those who hope in the Lord will not be put to shame. And that God answers prayer. And that with God all things are possible. Those things are my only hope i have.

www.joycemeyer.com

Posted by pilgrim at 10:40 PM | Comments (7)

May 13, 2008

The other night I was at a support group which I have attended on and off since 1999. Its changed a lot over the years. I've seen people come and go...including friends I used to have. The group dynamics change so much every time there are new people. There's an ebb and flow to the group which I suppose is natural to every group which changes over time. Of course I have a hard time with change.There's a part of me that wishes the group had the same girls, the same energy, that it had the 1st time we walked in there back in 1999. But at the same time I know it wouldn't be good. There have been a lot of people come and go, and its natural, and I know that.
There are a nice group of girls there now. They are all new. I am the only old person there (old as in, from 8-9 years ago, and I'm the oldest in age. There are girls as young as high school as well.)
The other night one of the girls walked out at the end of the group. She looked upset. I wanted to follow her but at that moment my phone rang as well-it was my sister who wanted to talk to me, so I walked out as well.
I was in the parking lot on the phone and saw this other girl sitting on the front steps of the building. How I remember those steps so well. I sat on them a lot, many times after group. I had sat there sometimes after walking out of group, upset, hoping someone would follow me and asking me if I needed to talk. The steps are out of the way a little, but still close enough to the front door so that people leaving group can see you sitting there...close enough for someone to see you and ask, "Are you okay?"
So I saw her sitting there...she had that "look" about her that I used to have... I don't even know how to explain. Like she was so tired and so lonely but had nobody. So I got off the phone and asked her if she needed to talk. Long story short, we sat and talked for a long time. She even seemed relieved. Turns out that she really needed someone to sit and listen to her. We talked for quite a while. I did some of my "active listening" stuff that Sharon had taught me in therapy. We might get together to do some things that we have in common. For her privacy, I won't say anything else about it here, but she mentioned some things that she liked to do and asked me if I liked doing any of those things. Both our schedules are booked for this weekend but hopefully the weekend after that we can get together. She is quiet and shy like I am but she's also nice and we have some things in common. I hope that she will be in group this week again. We have each other's phone numbers.
I have learned a great deal of things about friendship over the years--mostly what NOT to do-- and I've been reading some books on friendship-- and I've learned a great deal more in the past 5 months about how to treat people and not treat people and since I've been so alone I've been praying a great deal and learning things.... I have not written anything about them because they are deeply personal. So maybe if I can slowly start making friends with people maybe I can do better this time. At any rate, even if a friendship with this girl doesn't develop, maybe I was a blessing in her life that day by being there for her.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:35 AM | Comments (2)

May 14, 2008

This was a really nice surprise today. I got my work evaluation back. Even though this is the hardest year I've ever had-EVER- I got this years evaluation-and I got all perfect scores in every area! Teachers get evaluated in all sorts of areas from student performance to classroom observations to how they contribute to the school atmosphere to compliance to district rules. I got the highest score that you can get in each spot! Its good to get acknowledgment for working my butt off all year.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:56 AM | Comments (2)

i had a massage today. i get them because my old T used to talk about getting massages was one of the ways she took care of herself.
i miss sharon so much.
today was so hard. the massage lady got to my arms and hands. sharon used to hold my hands. mae used to hold onto sharon's hands to feel safe. i miss having a hand to hold. i miss feeling safe. i miss sharon so much. i miss her hugs. i miss having someone show me compassion. i miss having a shoulder to cry on. i need to talk to her so bad, mae misses her so much that she has been crying quite a bit at night lately. I wish I could call her to tell her about my good work evaluation. i don't know why i'm crying so hard. this is stupid. i just miss her and her office so much. i don't know if i'll ever see her again. i have been having dreams about her, always turning away from me, or waiting for her to show up somewhere and she doesn't come like she said she would. I still have bad dreams about how she got me in her office that last night and how she looked down at me and said "I'm done." I want to just forget.
My hands are aching.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:14 PM | Comments (1)