Pilgrim's Journey > May 2008 Archives
May 2, 2008
How much do I matter?
This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious or really important to anyone. I've never felt like I've made a big difference in anyone's life. I've been left behind and abandoned by most of the people I love, and people don't seem to think much about not following through on doing things they say they will do and seem to feel free to break their promises to me. People don't have a problem breaking my trust. I feel so low around people. I feel so small, so unimportant. Its like no one really notices me or wants me around. That's one of the thing that Mae still has the hardest time with-- that our old therapist no longer wanted her and got rid of us back in January. Being unwanted was one of the hardest things to deal with growing up. Its a big struggle now too. We still keep crying over the loss of our therapist and what happened.
Maybe its selfish to want to feel precious or important to someone. Maybe its selfish to want people to do what they say. I do what I say I'm going to do. I stick to my word. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know what's so hard about it.
I guess what brought all this on is that I'm having a lot of bad dreams this week about my old friends and my old therapist. I keep having dreams still that they yell at me, reject me, and gang up on me. I miss them so much. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss the months that I had friends in my life once.... when we had slumber parties, and all went to the same eating disorder support group, and some of us had the same therapist and nutritionist... and we would laugh and joke around together and go to the craft store and shopping. I had it for such a short time-- it seems like just long enough to see how much I loved it. Then it was gone again-people left, people got busy, people moved away, times changed. And then I was alone again. I just miss it so much. And I just wonder, do any of those people ever think about me like I think of them? Do they ever pray for me like I pray for them? Do they ever miss those times? They've probably just moved on and gotten more new friends and gotten busy with their new lives and haven't given me a 2nd thought most likely.
I just miss them so much. I miss Sharon so much.
I wish I could get over this. I keep praying and waiting. Praying and waiting for things to get better.
May 11, 2008
Its been 5 months
...and I still miss her so much.
I have an ache in my chest that won't go away.
My nutritionist recently decided she doesn't want to work with me either if I'm not seeing someone who doesn't work on eating disorders. The counselor I'm seeing right now is just trying to work with me on the grief of losing Sharon, my ex therapist. Trying to get me through that...which still feels impossible. I'm still not handling it well. Still not moving on. Stages of grief? I'm still stuck. There aren't stages. I'm not going anywhere. I wish so much I could talk to her. Maybe then it would help me move on.
I'm still far away from the rest of the universe.
Even right now, I'm spacing out just sitting here typing this.
My new counselor doesn't work on DID or dissociation either.
But I got tired of looking around and going through counselors who were worthless, so I settled on this gal because she's at least friendly. I don't know how long I'll stick with her because she's far away. And she's not Sharon.
No one is as helpful or has the compassion or knowledge that Sharon had.
No one is able to help us like she did. People can say what they want to about Sharon. What she was doing was helping, and she was 1 person in my life who was nice to me every week and showed me some compassion and listened to me. That was all I needed.
I'm still looking for a new job.
The other day I got injured at work pretty bad so that motivates me even more to find someplace else to work. I'm still waiting and praying and waiting and praying for God to do something good in my life. The Bible says that those who hope in the Lord will not be put to shame. And that God answers prayer. And that with God all things are possible. Those things are my only hope i have.
May 13, 2008
I might have helped someone
The other night I was at a support group which I have attended on and off since 1999. Its changed a lot over the years. I've seen people come and go...including friends I used to have. The group dynamics change so much every time there are new people. There's an ebb and flow to the group which I suppose is natural to every group which changes over time. Of course I have a hard time with change.There's a part of me that wishes the group had the same girls, the same energy, that it had the 1st time we walked in there back in 1999. But at the same time I know it wouldn't be good. There have been a lot of people come and go, and its natural, and I know that.
There are a nice group of girls there now. They are all new. I am the only old person there (old as in, from 8-9 years ago, and I'm the oldest in age. There are girls as young as high school as well.)
The other night one of the girls walked out at the end of the group. She looked upset. I wanted to follow her but at that moment my phone rang as well-it was my sister who wanted to talk to me, so I walked out as well.
I was in the parking lot on the phone and saw this other girl sitting on the front steps of the building. How I remember those steps so well. I sat on them a lot, many times after group. I had sat there sometimes after walking out of group, upset, hoping someone would follow me and asking me if I needed to talk. The steps are out of the way a little, but still close enough to the front door so that people leaving group can see you sitting there...close enough for someone to see you and ask, "Are you okay?"
So I saw her sitting there...she had that "look" about her that I used to have... I don't even know how to explain. Like she was so tired and so lonely but had nobody. So I got off the phone and asked her if she needed to talk. Long story short, we sat and talked for a long time. She even seemed relieved. Turns out that she really needed someone to sit and listen to her. We talked for quite a while. I did some of my "active listening" stuff that Sharon had taught me in therapy. We might get together to do some things that we have in common. For her privacy, I won't say anything else about it here, but she mentioned some things that she liked to do and asked me if I liked doing any of those things. Both our schedules are booked for this weekend but hopefully the weekend after that we can get together. She is quiet and shy like I am but she's also nice and we have some things in common. I hope that she will be in group this week again. We have each other's phone numbers.
I have learned a great deal of things about friendship over the years--mostly what NOT to do-- and I've been reading some books on friendship-- and I've learned a great deal more in the past 5 months about how to treat people and not treat people and since I've been so alone I've been praying a great deal and learning things.... I have not written anything about them because they are deeply personal. So maybe if I can slowly start making friends with people maybe I can do better this time. At any rate, even if a friendship with this girl doesn't develop, maybe I was a blessing in her life that day by being there for her.
May 14, 2008
A Happy Surprise
This was a really nice surprise today. I got my work evaluation back. Even though this is the hardest year I've ever had-EVER- I got this years evaluation-and I got all perfect scores in every area! Teachers get evaluated in all sorts of areas from student performance to classroom observations to how they contribute to the school atmosphere to compliance to district rules. I got the highest score that you can get in each spot! Its good to get acknowledgment for working my butt off all year.
Massage brought up big feelings
i had a massage today. i get them because my old T used to talk about getting massages was one of the ways she took care of herself.
i miss sharon so much.
today was so hard. the massage lady got to my arms and hands. sharon used to hold my hands. mae used to hold onto sharon's hands to feel safe. i miss having a hand to hold. i miss feeling safe. i miss sharon so much. i miss her hugs. i miss having someone show me compassion. i miss having a shoulder to cry on. i need to talk to her so bad, mae misses her so much that she has been crying quite a bit at night lately. I wish I could call her to tell her about my good work evaluation. i don't know why i'm crying so hard. this is stupid. i just miss her and her office so much. i don't know if i'll ever see her again. i have been having dreams about her, always turning away from me, or waiting for her to show up somewhere and she doesn't come like she said she would. I still have bad dreams about how she got me in her office that last night and how she looked down at me and said "I'm done." I want to just forget.
My hands are aching.
May 17, 2008
So since Sharon dumped me in January I have tried several therapists, and this one is like #5 or so (I lost count). She is a nice enough girl, and a Christian which is good so we share the same beliefs. But every time I go see her it just reminds me all over again how much I miss Sharon, and I keep thinking "she's not Sharon", I keep trying to see her as having new perspectives and insights, with new opportunities to give her a chance, but it doesn't feel right to be there, I just want to talk to Sharon. And I won't talk about much with her, because those things that were so personal and I don't want to talk about them anymore-like the abuse and stuff. They were deep, personal things that were really really hard for me, and Sharon and I spent a lot of time on them. I don't want to talk about them with anyone except for Sharon, and she's gone, so I don't want to talk about them anymore. I want to bury them and forget them, so the flashbacks and memories don't get stirred up. Sharon was the one who already knew all that stuff about me, and I don't want to have to start those stories all over again, bringing up all those painful things.
Today K (new counselor) asked me something and I tried to be brave and tell her just a little about something with my ex-boyfriend, and I tried to give some perspective on it that I learned from Sharon. But then I could hear Sharon's voice in my head, and see her talking to me, and I started missing her so much that my heart ached, and I shut down. I dissociated. And I'm trying to stop that. Its not healthy or good for me.
So when I finally could talk, I told K, I'm not going to talk about it. That was my stuff I talked about with Sharon. I don't want to go there. Then it was hard to keep from crying, so I stayed shut down.
Since then, I've been crying pretty much all afternoon.
I don't know how much good its doing me to be in therapy right now. I can't get my mind off how everyone is not like Sharon. I do NOT CARE AT ALL what other people think of/thought of Sharon. I really don't. Its MY heart that hurts, and its my grief, and its going to take me time to get through it. What she did hurt like fucking hell, and I don't care what anyone says about how long its taking me to get over it. I have no answers from Sharon, she went about it all in the wrong way, and I have NO support in getting through this, despite what people think.
So my feelings are my feelings.
I don't know if I'm going to go back and see K. It would save me money and a lot of time in traffic if I didn't. I'm not getting anything out of it yet. People were saying give it time, but its been a couple months that I've been seeing her now, and so far, I'm not letting myself trust her, I don't trust anyone, and frankly, the people I know aren't even proving themselves trustworthy anyway. The only beings I trust are my dogs and God. So I don't know what good its doing for me to be in therapy when I don't want to be there and I'm only going to make my sister and husband happy. I'm sick of being so fat and gross. I truly don't know what to do. Maybe I'm supposed to just be alone right now.
May 21, 2008
Uncertainty and Progress
I got word this morning that some major changes are going to be happening with my job. Even just a few months ago, this news would have devastated me and sent me into a tailspin for days. I probably would have spent the entire day crying, worrying, and rushing around trying to figure out what to do--because its big news with a great deal of uncertainty and no answers. However amazingly enough, because I've had this time alone to learn to trust God and know that He has a good plan for my life and that I can count on Him, I handle the news this morning much better. Not that I was happy to get my news by any means. Its something I would have rather not heard. But instead, when I heard what is in store for me for my job next school year, I thought, "Well God, I guess you know what you're doing," and I started getting curious as to how God is going to work all this out. Knowing that those who hope in Him will never be disappointed or put to shame, and knowing that God has a good plan for my life, I'm sure that something will work out. And I know that I can trust God. So I think this is going to be an interesting time. I am afraid of these major changes that are going to be taking places, but I know that I can trust that things are going to work out. I'm also a little disappointed, and I'm not happy with change... but I can trust God to take care of me. I feel like I might be making some progess inside my head. For today. This moment.
Now after all that deep stuff, I made another goal because I finally have a bathing suit that I have been wanting to wear since about 1987. There was this one style of bathing suit that was in style back then which all the "popular" (read:thin) girls wore, which was a 1 piece that had the sides cut out that showed off how skinny they were. Back then I was too overweight to be able to wear one. Over the years I would try one on, but I was always still too hourglass-shaped to be able to look good in one. Well I found one in the girl's section at Target the other day and tried it on and for the 1st time ever, I actually look good in it. So I finally have one. Yah, I know, don't lecture me on how I shouldn't be able to fit into a girls swimsuit at my age. So, there's my totally shallow goal after all that deep stuff I posted at the beginning.
May 22, 2008
Deep Grief Revisits
I guess its the realization that I'm having to let go and say goodbye to more of my life, or that more big changes are coming up soon for me, or being at group tonight where Sharon used to be the counselor for it, or just the combination of everything, but grief has been hitting me hard again the past couple days. A simple discussion about a play therapy class my husband and i had set me off tonight. Sharon used to do play therapy with Mae. It used to help so much. Sharon was so good with the kids. I remember how Sharon even bought Mae some Little People off of ebay... Mae used to look forward to playing on the floor. She used to love sitting on the floor coloring with Sharon too. Sharon was helping so much. Mae was making so much progress. When talking about play therapy my husband was talking about this lady's techniques, and the PROPER and RIGHT way to end therapy, doing a transition, and providing closure, to help the client prepare for the end. NOT the out-of-nowhere "I'm done" and never-see-you-again nightmare that caused worse PTSD that Sharon did to us. Mae has been having a really hard time the last few nights, crying again about wanting Sharon and wanting to go home. I still don't know what to do with her. I had thought I had forgiven Sharon...but I find that I still have such a bitter heart. I still am angry at her for what happened. I try to be so nice and forgiving, so it surprised me today to realize that I still need to forgive her more. Its all so complicated. We loved her so much. But what she did was so completely wrong. And I don't think she even cares, or even thinks of us any more, and I don't think she even realizes how wrong it was, what she did. Which makes all this even harder. I still have nightmares about that night, and about how she ended things. I don't know how to get over it. I want to get over it so bad. I want to just forget it. I want to forget ALL of it. It would help so much if I could just talk to her, get some of this settled. It would help if I didn't miss her so much, if I didn't love her still. I just hate all this. I want to just move on and forget it. I want to forget it all. My heart hurts so bad.
May 25, 2008
Might stop going.
i think i might just stop going to therapy after all. it isn't helping, since sharon stopped seeing me. i don't have any desire to stop being anorexic any more. i don't have any desire to follow a meal plan. i eat enough to keep me alive. i don't care that i'm underweight-- I WANT to be underweight. The counselor I have now is okay, sort of, I'm mean she's nice enough. She's also an hour away in heavy traffic in the city, and I don't feel safe driving back and forth. Every time I come home, I get upset because I miss Sharon so much. I am not going to share anything deeply personal with a new person. I'm not going to share any more stories about my past from when I was little, all that trauma. We shared them with Sharon. Those were something personal that Mae and the other inside kids were brave enough to share with HER. I know they are not going to talk with anyone else about them. They are now so hurt and scared that they have gone deep into hiding, and they don't trust anyone anymore. Those stories about the past and the things that happened were left dangling and unresolved when Sharon left us. But they're locked away now. We just have to forget about them and move on.
I don't want to purposely go someplace every week that's going to trigger memories of Sharon. I don't want to go discuss "issues" anymore that are going to bring up the past, something I desperately want to forget. I don't know how to work through them.
Maybe I'm just better off on my own for a while. I tried having a "team" for nearly 8 years and all it did was lead to more hurt. I don't know how to get over this. Every time I think about therapy or Sharon or Caroline Ann (My nutritionist who won't see me anymore because I don't have an eating disorders therapist), I just start to cry and I feel abandoned and left behind. They're never going to feel sorry for what they did, and they're not ever going to care.
So I just need to forget. I just need to forget.
May 28, 2008
No more therapy for me
I've decided to stop going to therapy. It isn't what I want to be doing with my time and money right now, and I"m not putting the effort into it that I should be. I might as well not waste my money on someone else when all I want is for that person to be be Sharon. I've been giving it a good effort, but my heart isn't really into it. It takes an hour in heavy traffic to drive there, and on my way home every time I just cry because I miss Sharon so much. With gas being $4.00 a gallon and therapy costing as much as it is, I could use the money to put in my savings instead. I don't want to share any deep personal stories with anyone anymore. I did that with Sharon. There was something special there.That's over.
Instead I'm going to use my time trying to feel more normal. Trying to make friends, doing art, and reading and exercising.
Posted by pilgrim at 8:35 AM
May 31, 2008
Its my body
Lately since I have been injured for several weeks I have been stuck on the couch unable to move or exercise. That's got me convince that I'm gaining weight. I know I don't eat much. But I've been convinced I've gained weight. I know I haven't lost any lately because I got on the scale yesterday. That bugs me because I really want to lose weight. I'm sick of being fat and ugly. I want to have more control over my body and its hard when I can't do ANYTHING except lay on the couch with my legs propped up.
Today I saw some people that I haven't seen for several weeks. I happened to be wearing shorts because I have a huge brace on my leg holding it together. I was also wearing a long sleeved shirt which was designed to cover my body. But I got a bunch of comments out of people anyway. Telling me "Oh my gosh you've lost more weight!" and "You are way too skinny!" Then they were trying to tell me to go home and eat hamburgers, hot dogs, and steaks. I know they mean well.... I think. But its my body and I am the one who gets to say what goes into it. I am so uncomfortable in it. I don't want to eat a whole bunch.
I don't have a "treatment team" anymore to tell me what to do anymore. Therefore, I get to make the decisions about what to eat or not eat and how much I exercise. I don't know if they ever cared in the 1st place because it was so easy for them to leave me. Maybe all the years I was happy because they loved me, I was just deluding myself. Maybe I was just stupid. :( I did all these things for them and they left anyway. So now I get to say what happens to my body. And I don't want to be fat.
I can't wait for my injuries to heal so that I can get active again and start getting better. Hopefully I won't have to have surgery. The people who saw me today just felt free to tell me to fatten up and enjoyed naming all the things they would feed me if they could. Would they have the nerve to tell an overweight person all the diets they could go on and all the diet foods they could eat? It doesn't feel any better on this end either.
I wish my body was invisible. But I can't go there anymore. I am trying hard to just forget the past.