My heart hurts
I'm visiting my family. Where they live on the other side of the country. I come twice a year-- summer and Christmas. I come because I love my family, and because I want to give my sister a break. She never has support, and at least while I'm here she has someone who can help watch her kids and do some of her laundry and load the dishwasher for her. Besides that, there is no one on Earth who can make me laugh as hard as my younger sister does. She's an incredible person. I love playing with her kids I have a great time with thm.
But truthfully, its hard to be here this summer. At night, when they're asleep, and I'm laying there in bed alone, or when I'm by myself for a few minutes. I think back to last Christmas. Things were still okay back then. Last Christmas I had no idea that my therapist was about to dump me when I got back a couple days after vacation. I was still happy. I still had a relationship with someone I trusted. I still believed in the world somewhat. I was eating again. Making progress. Making peace with my past. Moving forward. I was working hard in therapy and moving on in some things. I was working so hard. And I was looking forward to talking to my therapist when I got home. She has always been such a good support to me whenever I'm here visiting with my family, who tend to bring up a lot of hard things for me . I've always been able to call her or e mail her from here. This is the 1st time in years that i haven't been able to, and its so hard. Today I called her office just to hear her voice on her voice mail. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest. I miss her so much at times that I can barely breathe.
Since then, when I was here last time, so much has changed, some for the worst and some for better, my situation hasn't changed at all, probably more jaded and more lonely, and my weight has gone down, and found out that there are a bunch of real jerks doing therapy out there, enough to make me sure that I'm not going to do therapy again, I'm done with that unless I can have HER, which she said in February that she doesn't want me back :(
My attitude on the outside has changed, and I can fake a good smile and I can fake a good mood, but its hard to be here, and although very very slowly God has changed me on the inside a bit at a time, I would still go back to my ex therapist in a heart beat if she would just LET ME.
There is so much I need to tell her. I miss her so much.Even just the little things like playing in the pool with my niece and nephew--those happy things--I want to tell her about those things and I can't anymore. I can't take pictures of them to show her. And that makes me so sad, like there are huge pieces of my heart missing, and my heart just hurts so much I can barely take it sometimes.
There are so many hard things going on here where I grew up:
flashbacks
old faces
memories
triggers
food--and eating-- and weight
my family
no support
and I'm trying so hard to just hold onto the joy of the moment when we're playing in the pool and teaching frogs to surfboard and playing in the rain--
my heart still aches all the time of that lost relationship which was so unfair and cut off so fast and without warning and no closure--
that its so hard.
And at home I seem to at least have a little routine I am in... and numbness...
but here I keep remembering "last time I was here I was still happy"
"last time I was here I called Sharon from that spot"
"what if I wouldn't have left her those messages last time I was here?"
"did I say something at Christmas time that made her dump me?"
"what did I do? was it a phone call? was it an e mail from this trip at Christmas? what did I do wrong?"
and I was so happy last time I was here... and I didn't know that a couple of days later everything in my world was going to come crashing down around me.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It sounds like you're really trying to make the best of the situation while at the same time you're going through a really hard grieving process. I'm glad you can find the moments of joy in the midst of your pain and to be such a support to your sister, too.
Grief SUX! When I lost somebody I deeply loved, somebody asked me, "Would you do it all over again?" It took a long time for me to answer, but my answer was "yes". I wouldn't give up what he had given me and the deep love I had felt just to avoid the pain. Maybe that question will help you like it helped me. I also had to realize that just because the relationship ended did not mean that it was all a lie. I am sure that it is the same for Sharon. Maybe the reason she felt obligated to end therapy with you is because she knew she had crossed the line and become too emotionally involved and had to stop contact because it was the professional thing to do. Have you thought that she may also be grieving for the loss, but felt obligated to do it to maintain a professional distance? I hope you find this helpful and enlightening.
Pilgrim,
It's always hard to go "home"...where there are the memories. Your writing really expresses how you feel nicely but i was struck by some of the comments you made about "this time last year" and being happy, etc. Were you truly happy or was it just because you still felt there was some "other" like your therapist to fill the void? How happy could you have been if you were still in therapy in the first place? I agree with other comments here; i bet your therapist is grieving it too and knew no other way to keep objectively helping you. Maybe it wasn't handled in the best way and a way that left you no closure, and for that, i am sorry. But maybe it's so that you can go about this on your own with support of your husband....learn to look within yourself and comfort yourself instead of looking to others. They invariably disappoint us because they cannot read our mind. Real healing comes from within. I wonder if your T was worrying you were getting so attached that there was no way she wasn't going to "mess up" somehow and ruin the great progress you have made. Therapist are human too. I know it's not easy on you but now's the time to look in the mirror and plan ways to take care of you WITHIN you and with support from your husband. Prayer sounds like it's helping. And the artwork. Grieve as long as you need to, but I think you'll find that ultimate healing comes from within. Your therapist helped you alot and taught you much you can carry with you. Keep using that. I know you miss her but it sounds as though this chapter in your life is closed. It's a chance to try something different. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
Pilgrim, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I really do understand how horrible it is to lose someone precious and keep asking, "what did I do? how can I fix this? when will this get better? won't this person just come back?" The whole thing just hurts, and I'm sorry you're having to go through it. I'm positive that Sharon is going through it, too. She is separated from you -- someone who had become very precious to her, too. Don't give up on yourself -- you're a wonderful person with a compassionate heart to share. God sees and hears your tears. It might seem like He's not doing anything, but He'll work something out for you in His perfect time (faith).
im glad you are able to have fun with your sister and the kids.
im sorry you are feeling alone with the hard stuff and the triggers. keep writing and praying. its not the same as having the support that you miss, but its something.
im sorry you werent able to find another therapist that is a good match for you. i do know you certainly tried.
its really hard to miss people :(