Forgiveness
I keep praying and praying that God will take this bitterness out of my heart. That God will make my heart not be so hard. It is just towards this stuff that still has to do with Sharon. And I pray and pray. Trying over and over to forgive and forget. I realize now that back in February when we said we forgave her, we only told her that to make HER feel better. We still have not forgiven her. And its so stupid. Because she couldn't care less I'm sure. Sharon doesn't give a damn what I'm still going through-- she's done with us and ignoring us.
A few kind words of closure would have helped so much but she would not give us that.
And though we pray and pray, we have gotten so hard hearted about it. We used to be able to help with so many things. Like people talking about therapy, and therapists. Now we can't even watch or read anything to do with therapy or therapists. It hurts too much. I can't stand it. It brings back too many awful memories of the past 7.5 months. It just hurts too much. People still ask our advice about therapy and therapists and DID and stuff like they used to and I have to just ignore it. I can't deal with it. Its like this huge open wound. Anything to do with DID, therapy, the past, ANYTHING-- forget it. It has to stay buried. Its too much. And we pray some more. I have to ask God over and over again for forgiveness now because I keep thinking, I hate therapists. I don't trust anybody. I was such a fool. What idiots we were to trust someone. I hate Mae. I hate myself. What a freaking idiot I was for bragging to other people about what a great therapist Sharon was in the 1st place. I set myself up for disappointment and it was all my fault.
And I keep asking God, please, heal it. Please help me out here. You're the healer of the brokenhearted. Help me with this.
I have asked so much for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I can't get Sharon to forgive me because she won't respond. That hangs over my head. My husband says it doesn't matter what other people think. If they won't forgive me for something, then that's their tough problem. It matters though, inside, to me. Especially to Mae, who loved Sharon so much, who wanted Sharon to like her, and the rejection from her favorite person is still too hard to bear.
This is rambling and I don't know how to end it. I just guess I needed to get that out of my head.
Sharon could have done so much with just a few kind words instead of rejection.
We still keep having these nightmares about what she said and did.
I want to move on so badly. I want to let it go so badly.The things we need and want will never come from her. I know that.
Some people tell me they wish I'd get into therapy again. After I tried those 5 others this year. Forget it. I'm not opening myself up to that kind of rejection again and I'm through with trusting people. And with telling my story. I don't want to tell it. I want to forget it all.
I want to disappear. I want to just be gone.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
You know, Pilgrim, I felt the same way about Stephanie. And believe it or not, we DID experience the exact same rejection you did and even though we have a new T, we are STILL not over what Stephanie did. And I know you had a hurtful friend named Katie, but I am not her. I am on the other side of the USA than you. And let me just say IT WILL GET BETTER. We are 10 months out of Stephanie rejecting us, accusing us, telling us we weren't worth her time, we were emotionally blackmailing her, and it still hurts to think about it, but we did find a new T. We HATED her the first 4 months. I'd sit and cry and cry and cry because I wanted her to be STEPHANIE not who she was, but I had to give her time. I had to give her a chance. And God proved to me that He wanted BETTER for me than Stephanie. I didn't believe it would happen, but it did.
I'm just sharing this with you because 1) you didn't give another T enough time and 2) maybe you just didn't find the right T for you.
Because you're a Christian, you need to get in the phonebook and find a church near you that does counseling. They are cheaper AND they are better equipped to handle you as a Christian.
It's time to let go. You need someone to help you do that.
I am in so much better hands now. We were in the hospital SO much when we saw Stephanie. We were constantly in crisis and now, we are BETTER...we are HEALING...we are finding PEACE.
God did not create us to be unhappy, miserable, and suicidal. He created us to love one another and help one another. The only way you're going to find help is to reach out to another Christian and let them help you.
If you want it.
I got tired of being freaking sick all the time. I don't think Sharon doesn't care about it. I think she felt she couldn't help you anymore and believe me, I have been there. I know when you're in the situation you say, "no one understands." I DO. I had the same attachment to Stephanie. She was perfect. She was beautiful. She was everything I was not and in the end, she hurt me, rejected all of us and we ended up overdosing TWICE because of her.
It's not worth it. NO ONE is worth taking this much of your life from you.
Get on the phone today and find Christian churches that have counseling ministries. They are there. Call around. Find someone. You can do it.
Katie
Pilgrim,
I haven't been in the same exact situation as you, but I do know the pain of being mistreated, rejected, and of the other person apparently not knowing or caring how deeply they've wounded me.
As for forgiveness: if you're waiting for God to give you some kind of lovely "forgiving" feeling, it's probably not going to happen. Forgiving someone is a choice we make, not so much an emotion--although the emotion usually follows the choice.
Forgiveness is simply letting someone off the hook for being imperfect. It's not saying they didn't hurt you. It's not something which is dependent on the one who hurt you acknowledging that hurt. Sharon may never do so, but you can still forgive and go on with your life. You can let go of your need to hang on to something that is a closed chapter. By trying to hold on to it you continue to give her power over you.
Forgiveness isn't easy and always costs us something. But the alternative is bitterness and the kind of emotional pain which never goes away.
I like the advice here from Katie (?)who suggested finding a Christian therapist.I had one myself once, and only quit going to her because of my finances. She was wonderful, soft-spoken, genuinely caring.
I hope you will find a way to get beyond the brokenness of losing Sharon. Each day you survive without her you are one day stronger.
Beauty
I'm sorry you're feeling this hopelessness. Getting over the pain of rejection and "what could've been" is sometimes just too difficult. I'm in a similar spot -- it's been over two years since I lost something precious to me and about five years since I lost someone else. The hard part is knowing that they're still there, going on with life without me. Resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, depression all keep trying to pull me into a sort of coma -- but God sees it all. Waiting is terribly difficult, but He sees the whole picture while we only see this little part.