I dont fit in anywhere
I don't fit in anywhere. I feel so awkward. I have even created a couple of websites, that I'm the owner and administrator of, and I hardly even visit them anymore because I don't fit in there anymore either. I am the member of a couple of popular websites too that are busy all the time but I don't fit in those places either. There isn't anywhere that I fit in.
Tonight I'm in a down mood. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. My heart is torn in two. I was on an airplane tonight crying and crying because I can't be in two places at once. Because usually when I come home from vacation I have Sharon that I can come talk to about all the intense issues that came up while I was gone. Now I have no one to talk to. I have so many things swirling around in my head. I pray and talk to God about them, but I need a PERSON to talk to and I don't have one.
And I SWEAR.... will people PLEASE stop saying to me "I wish you'd try another therapist". After Sharon I tried FIVE therapists. FIVE. Its not like I went to 1 person 1 time and just dabbled around and quit. I gave 4 of those 5 people a minimum of a month each and some longer. I TRIED to work it out with different therapists. I DID try. Its not going to happen. Please stop e-mailing me , replying to my posts, and replying to my entries about how you "wish" I would try someone besides Sharon. I DID. I'm done with it. All I did was find more freaking heartbreak and a lot of idiots that just proved to me what I knew all along--- that Sharon was the best person for me, that I ruined it all, and I screwed up. Sharon didn't want me anymore. Sharon rejected me. I screwed up everything.
Sorry. Bad mood tonight.
I'm happy to be home. I am. But I wish all my family lived together. Its hard to keep an eye on everyone I love when they're spread out all across the country. Hard to know that my sister's kids are growing up and I only get to see them twice a year. I hate that. Especially when I got to play with them all week-- and they WANTED me to play with them. I'm hardly ever WANTED around. But this week I got to have little kids WANT me around. That feels so good. Now I'm home by myself again... and I don't have any little kids climbing in my lap. No one to give baths to or watch run around the farm.
Its like I don't fit in here or there or anywhere. I guess I just don't feel right tonight. I'm just fat and gross and feeling yucky. Tomorrow I can get back on to my own schedule of Tae Bo and healthy eating and sleeping late and maybe I'll feel better.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I really hope you don't delete this site because you have always given me encouragement. And our lives are very similar..maybe not in PAST per se, because I don't know a lot about your past, but in present. A lot of times you say things and I think, boy, do I know what that feels like or I can completely relate to that! That has happened to me too! I feel like that all the time.
I think it would be a shame if you destroyed your years worth of memories and goals and everything else.