August 4, 2008

Let me tell you what I have been going through the past 2 days. Unbelievable torment in my mind. Worse than its been since Sharon left me back in January-- I felt like I was back there again, like it was just the day after she left me, and all the little progress I made was gone. I just have been tormented lately. I have been feeling like I was just under attack.
Then last night I was at the end of my rope-- crying. I hate you Satan. I hate what you do in my life. I hate everything that's happened. I told God (AGAIN)- if you dont help me then I am not going to make it. I have been BEGGING God to increase my faith, to help me believe things. I have been wanting to die. Things have just been too hard.
I have been having such a hard time because I didn't believe God loved me. I didn't believe that the words in the Bible were for ME. And that is where my crossroads has been. I have felt stuck. I have wanted to believe but unable to. So I prayed and prayed last night.
THEN I TOOK A XANAX, ha ha! So then I was in such a STUPOR-- after crying for so long-- that in my stupor I just started saying, Okay God, whatever you say, I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Okay, if you say it, I'm going to believe it.
I guess I made a choice.
So today I continued with my Beth Moore Bible Study on Believing God, when I got home from a workshop today(school) and I just said, OKAY. I'm going to believe it. God, I believe you love me. Okay whatever you say, I believe it.
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT NOW. For like 4 hours now I've been going around saying "God loves me." I watched a Joyce Meyer tape that came in the mail today that is titled "I belong to God and He loves me."
And I believe it.
I talked with my husband about it for a while but not too much because I don't want conversations with people to undermine what I am trying to work through with God--
and I just decided. I believe God. I believe He has a plan for my life. A plan for good and not evil. I believe God loves me. Even me, stupid Pilgrim who takes 35 years to get anything into her head. God is bigger than my sin and bigger than my stupidity and bigger than the problems in my head. God loves ME. I get it now. I get it now.
And wouldn't you know, just this evening a secret prayer I had in my head that I only told God came true-- The Many Voices Press newsletter has come out listing my Christian internet support group at the TOP of its links page.
It is HERE: http://freeforfaith.ipbfree.com/ if anyone would like to join in our talks about God and life and problems. I have been praying that God would make it bigger- and now it has the chance to.
But that isn't the important thing. I GET IT. I get it. God loves me. The God of the universe, loves me, even though all this other stuff is happening, even though everything is hard, God loves me.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:36 PM | Comments (5)

August 7, 2008

I have realize something the past few days. I dont need the approval or acceptance of anyone else in this world anymore. I used to need it really badly. But I have realized that I am accepted and loved by God. Since I have that, I don't need anyone else to approve of me to be okay. My husband has been trying to tell me this for about 15 years. But I finally get it. Because God, the God of the entire universe, accepts me and loves me, that is all I really need. Psalm 139 says that God searches me, knows me, and made me. He knew every stupid thing I was going to say and do before I was ever made. God knows when I sit up and when I lay down. God also knows my heart. And he loves me ANYWAY, despite everything I've done and said and every mistake I've made. I also don't have to be a victim anymore. I can do anything God asks me to with His help. God always gives me the strength I need even at the last minute to get through whatever He asks me to go through. That just is better than what the world can offer.

We are getting ready to go back to work in a couple of weeks. Next week I'm moving to a new school. A friend is coming to help me set up my classroom so that its more organized (I'm so lucky to have a friend who wants to be a professional organizer!) I hope that everything is going to go well at my new school. Last year was such a difficult year. I just want to put it all behind me. This year will be better I think. I've heard the other teachers in my grade level are really sweet so I am hoping to making friends with them.

By the way we did a Beth Moore Bible study over the past week. I don't know if anyone else knows about her website but she just rocks: http://www.lproof.org/

Posted by pilgrim at 5:42 PM | Comments (1)

My friend has taken a lot of time to help spread the awareness of dissociative disorders. One of the things she has done was create a pin which people can wear in support of dissociative disorders/MPD/DID. Her pins are great little things which she worked very hard on to come up with and fund. Many of the members of my website (A Mind's Journey) had input into the development of the DD awareness pins. I am really hoping that readers of the blog will support my friend and her efforts by ordering pins from her:
http://didawareness.tripod.com/index.html

Posted by pilgrim at 10:20 PM | Comments (1)

August 9, 2008

I created all this jewelry--its been a hobby for a while. Just posting it here to show everyone. It is all handmade, either dichroic glass or silver (99.9% silver clay). E-mail me if you would like anything!

Posted by pilgrim at 5:42 PM | Comments (3)

August 11, 2008

Today I started back to work in my new classroom in my new school. I am really nervous. Being in yet another new place where no one knows me. There are a couple of other people changing to this school too and they are people that I've had a rough time with in the past. So I kind of want to pretend I don't know them. I met some nice girls today--other teachers in my hallway. I am really, really hoping that I'll make friends with them.
Tried to stay so busy today. There was even a little bit of time where I wasn't thinking about Sharon. I still think about her, and what happened, almost all the time. :( It hurts too much to talk about so I won't say any more than that righ tnow.
Just hoping and praying that this will be a better school year. Hopefully this is a place God has led me. He says that He will be with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9) so I'm trying hard to be brave.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:27 PM | Comments (1)

August 12, 2008

I'm having a really hard time today. Last night I had more dreams about Sharon-- trying to get back to see her. I keep having the same dreams over and over and its so frustrating and I wake up trying not to cry. All day long I keep thinking about what happened and how much I want to talk to her... I miss her so much, and everything that happened hurts so badly. I miss my nutritionist too. I just miss them both so much and I hate that they are not in my life anymore. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just want Sharon back so bad, and I wish she would give me a 2nd chance.
Just lonely and overwhelmed today I guess.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:12 PM | Comments (2)

August 13, 2008

I've been trying so hard to change my thoughts and my heart. Well, I've been trying to let God do it. I'm so glad that God is more patient with me than people are. Right now I am listening to this CD set by Joyce Meyer called Mind, Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes-- one of the many sets I have from her now. This one is about purposely thinking right thoughts and developing emotional stability--which we desperately need. What comes out of my mouth has become more positive lately but my thought life needs a lot of work. You can get it here if you're interested:https://shop.joycemeyer.org/eStore/Products/JMM/PID-C133.aspx
Another good one her book called Battlefield of the Mind.

If I could just go back to therapy again with Sharon things would be so different. I wish God would just let me have the chance. God says that our past is forgotten when He forgives us. Therefore I've been trying hard to act,talk,and think (that's hard) like I don't have the past that I had. I am working so hard to focus on what's going on right now and on the future, instead of thinking about the past all the time. I think that's one of the main things that gave me problems before. I couldn't let go of it. And I think that Sharon got tired of fighting it out of me. But I don't do that any more... about 98% of the time. It is hard and it gets me down. But believing God is important to me, and God says that He forgets our past. That I can do anything. I want so much to focus on more positive things. I wish I could talk to Sharon about it. Things would be so different.
But she won't have anything to do with me.

God thinks about me all the time. God won't give up on me like weak people do. Someday maybe God will help me out of this pit.
Which now that reminds me, there's another great book: Get Out of That Pit! By Beth Moore. Its one of the best ones I ever read . If you ever get the chance to read it, please read it. I've read it twice in the past week and I need to read it again.
God I just pray that this heaviness will lift some time. More bad dreams about Sharon and someone else that hurt me last night. I pray for them. I miss them. I hope they are having good lives... I just wish I could be a part of them again. My heart hurts so much. God says that He heals the brokenhearted... I am trying so hard to believe that and wait for that healing to happen.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:04 PM | Comments (6)

August 18, 2008

Well it was time to go back to work today. I'm at a new school with all new people. The only people I know are another teacher and aide. Everyone else is new. Today went okay I think. I am making friends already with some of the people on my hallway. We're working really hard to be positive and smile a lot even though I don't really feel that way. Today I got my mind off Sharon for a couple hours at a time because I was so busy which is good. It makes me so nervous to be back at work and I'm pretty overwhelmed. A bit sad because I'm so used to having Sharon to go to the 1st week of school, and having her to talk to... that was something that I always held on to and looked forward to, always. It makes my heart hurt that I don't have that anymore.
So it sort of lifted my spirits today in a twisted way when I saw someone that I haven't seen since Christmas or so, and they said "What happened to you?" They told me I have lost so much weight that I am skin and bones. This isn't a person who has any reason to make anything up about me so I don't know, it sort of helps me realize that I'm not as fat as I'm feeling right now.
Well anyway,.so I think that I am going to have friends at my new place, and that will be good.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:49 PM | Comments (3)

August 23, 2008

School starts on Monday and my room is now as done as its going to get. A friend and I went and worked in there for nearly 6 hours today. She also helped me get a little more organized, but we mostly spent time decorating. I took her out to lunch and gave her some of my home made jewelry as a thank you. It was kind of fun and now I'm exhausted. The kids come on Monday. I've got some challenging ones as usual. But my really hard class that I have had the past 2 years has now moved on to the next teacher so I'm so glad about that-- they really wore me out last year and the year before. Hopefully this year will go more smoothly.
Last night I started crying because I miss Sharon so much and I was having flashbacks about the night she dumped me. It hurt so much and still does. Maybe it'll help being back in school and being so busy all the time, hopefuly I can finally start to get my mind off it.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:38 PM | Comments (1)

August 29, 2008

Can we just say a big AMEN for Fridays? Could I possibly be any happier that its finally the weekend? A bunch of teachers were mentioning today that they thought it was a really long week, but I think that I was just SO BUSY that I didn't notice. I did pretty good this week staying in the moment, not worrying about the next day, and although time certainly didn't fly by, it didn't drag on either. I have got a bunch of little firecrackers in my class, a little boy that reminds me of Stitch from the movie Lilo and Stitch, and some other real characters. Never a dull moment in my classroom, ever. I am desperately in need of another assistant and I am praying that the powers that think they be will decide to give me one because my students are very, very needy already, and more students are coming next week, including students who have seizures, autism, etc .. Please pray that God will work in the directors' minds and hearts and make them willing to give me another assistant as soon as YESTERDAY. Last year, this was a source of constant stress, worry, and frustration for me. This year, I am going to just let go and trust God to make this happen. I trust God. I know He will take care of me.
Meanwhile, I'm making my way through paperwork and all that beginning of the year "fun" stuff. I'm hoping to have time to make jewelry this weekend at some point for some stress relief.
And if you pray, please pray that God will provide me for the much-needed assistant for my classroom.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:35 PM | Comments (1)