September 4, 2008

I had a dream the other night about my old nutritionist, CA. In my dream she was sitting by me and just talking nicely to me. I miss that so much. And I miss Sharon so much. I just want so much to hear their voices and see them. I wish they'd at least acknowledge me. I sent Sharon a piece of homemade jewelry for her birthday last month and she didn't even acknowledge it. Of course, I didn't expect that she would. But a small part of me hoped, I guess. Just to even have a note in the mail saying "I got the necklace," even. I wish I could write to them and tell them how different my life is....how different I am now from the last January. A different person. Maybe someone they would like this time... maybe someone they would want to work with this time. Maybe someone they'd want around this time. I look, act, and talk completely different... I wish so much that I'd have the opportunity to at least have the chance to show them. I have changed so much, that I don't think they'd believe it if I just told them. They'd have to see it to believe it.

By the way, my class and I need prayer. I am desperately in need of an assistant in my classroom, to protect their health and safety, and my sanity. I can't go into details in a public forum, but due to the severity of the special needs in my class, we desperately need to convince the people in charge that its a good idea that there be another adult in the classroom. If you're a prayer warrior, please pray that God will open the eyes of the powers-that-be very quickly and we'll get an aide right away, before anything goes wrong in my room due to there being too many special needs children and not enough adults.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:56 PM | Comments (6)

September 9, 2008

This week I deal with the 9 month anniversary of Sharon leaving me and the 17 year anniversary of the death of a friend. Its a good thing I'm so extremely busy this week because I'm so distracted, yet at odd moments I find my heartstrings being tugged at. Dear God how I wish so desperately that I had Sharon to talk to. I miss her so much. I miss my friend who died so much. Oddly, I still miss Sharon more.... because it hurts more still... because Sharon chose to leave me, and L.A. did not choose to die.
I found this quote on a website that I read tonight, and it gives me a little perspective, albeit admittedly not much, but I do realize how lucky I was to have these people in the 1st place, although it hurts more to not have them now:
"How lucky I am to have something that makes
saying goodbye so hard."
--Little Orphan Annie

This is an article by Cheryl Richardson:
Saying goodbye. It's something we all do at various
times in our lives. Some of us do it consciously and intentionally,
while some of us avoid it like the plague. This week, as the summer
comes to an end and kids go back to school (or off to college for the
first time), I wanted to rebroadcast a newsletter from last year when
Michael and I were leaving our home of twelve years. Although we knew
there was an exciting beginning waiting in the wings, we were sad to
say goodbye to a place that had been near and dear to our hearts. The
sadness prompted me to share what I've learned about saying goodbye
over my lifetime. I hope it touches you in some valuable way...

1. Saying goodbye is a process not a destination.
Whether you're saying goodbye to a relationship that's ending, a child
who's gone off to college, a pet who has passed on, or a job you once
loved, it takes time to fully acknowledge and appreciate all that has
occurred. When we say goodbye, we never say goodbye to one person, one
event, or one thing. We say goodbye to many experiences -- the lessons
learned, the challenges won and lost, the unfulfilled promises, or the
unexpected joys. This takes time, patience, and a willingness to sift
through and experience all of our feelings.

2. You must fully embrace the ending to create a new beginning.
The best way to create the space for a great, new beginning is to fully
participate in the ending. This means acknowledging "what was" with
eyes wide open. I've learned to say goodbye with meaning and purpose by
using the power of ritual. I couldn't imagine moving out of my present
home, for example, without taking the time to walk through every room
with Michael, to reminisce about what happened there over time. The
ritual of revisiting the memories (and the feelings), both good and
bad, allows us to honor and appreciate the home we've been fortunate
enough to share together.

3. Surrender to the sadness. In my youth, I spent
enormous amounts of time and energy trying to avoid the pain of saying
goodbye -- resources that could have been put to better use. I've since
learned to accept and embrace the sadness as a normal part of the
process. After all, the sadness simply means that we're experiencing
the loss of something that held significance in our lives. It's earned
the right to pull at our hearts. If you allow yourself to go through it
instead of working hard to go around it, you'll save yourself a whole
lot of energy. You can't feel joy without cultivating the strength to
feel pain.
There's so much more to be said about saying goodbye, and this is
simply my attempt at a start. I hope it helps you in dealing with an
ending in your life. If the pain feels like too much, remember this:
There's a new beginning waiting to unfold. It's just not time yet. When
you fully honor what was, what will be, will be worth the wait.

Take Action Challenge
This week, do some kind of ritual that honors an ending in your
life. Throw away paperwork from an old job, write your college-bound
son or daughter a letter, light a candle for someone who has passed on,
or put away photographs from a relationship that's no longer in your
life. Whatever you do, do it with love and intention. After all, your
endings are just as important as your beginnings.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:57 PM | Comments (0)

September 16, 2008

My week hasn't started off on the best note. Yesterday I got a new kid who threw a fit all day, tried to run out the door, tip over wheelchairs, threw chairs, threw toys, attacked another kid for no reason, and then the MOST fun was when he bit me on the leg which left bite marks that lasted until evening (thankfully I had on thick corduroy pants). Well I've also been sick for 2 weeks and THANKFULLY my wonderful new boss whom I *~*LOVE*~* told me to stay home today and get well--
So I'm home today and tomorrow, on lots of medicines---
and I got news that the lady who has been volunteering in my class out of the kindness of her heart, who has been HOPING and praying to get the aide job if the uppity ups in special ed ever get a clue and realize we MUST have another aide in there ever open the position... she has taken another job.
I am SO bummed. I really,really like this lady. She has been volunteering her time and she is SO good with my kids, better than anyone in my class has been before. My aide has been absent for 2 weeks so she has been filling in just to be nice. I've been bribing her with free jewelry and chocolate
I was hoping we could be friends.
But she needs money to live on, obviously.
So ... she's going to be gone in a few days.

This year has started out really rough. I keep waiting for things to get better.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 17, 2008

Maybe its just because I've been sick for a week, but today I was really emotional and very down which I haven't been for a while. I've worked so hard this year on being numb and only letting positive words and actions show. Today though, I was really having a hard time. I wish so much I could forgive Sharon and just move on, but truth is, what she did in January still hurts so freaking BAD. And I miss her so much. What she did was just plain WRONG. I want to forgive her so much. I pray about that so often, so I don't know why I am still unable to.
I don't want to talk about it, so please don't try offering any advice on that. I've heard a million things already.
Also, I am sick and tired of feeling fat and gross. I want to just lose about 15 pounds. I miss weighing really low weights.I was much more comfortable there.
I'm waiting and waiting for God to come through for me on some things I've been praying for for months. I've had dozens, even hundreds, of people praying. Not even on things for me, but for my classroom and the kids in my class. And instead of getting better, things appear to be getting worse. And I don't understand.
So I'm sick and worn out and its only September and I am just very tired, afraid, and desperately waiting for answers.
So... yah. I'm sick. Maybe thats why I'm in this mood.
God will come through for me. I know he will. Its just a matter of waiting some more.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:29 PM | Comments (0)

September 18, 2008

I feel so trapped. I want so much to not be teaching anymore, at least not in THIS class. I LOVE my new school and I love my principal, she is so nice. Of course, I don't trust anyone yet. But they all appear nice. I have all these kids and they are making me crazy. I don't want to be in a job where I get hurt every day by the kids, where I fear getting bit/hit/things thrown at me/pinched/ don't have the things I need. Its only September and I'm already so overwhelmed... I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the year.
I keep praying and praying for answers. I need God to rescue me, to help me, to DO SOMETHING.
I'm so afraid and so down. I feel like screaming.
Maybe its just because I'm so sick... I don't know.
I've done EVERYTHING I can think of to stand up for myself, to fight for myself and my class. I wish so badly that there was someone else to do that for me JUST FOR ONCE. I'm SO tired. Every day I pray for strength and for help... but instead things keep getting harder. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
I just keep feeling more out of place and more lonely.
Other people don't have to go to work every day where they know they will be physically injured.
My husband wants me to stay in teaching for the money of course (like it just pays so much, right?) I would be happy working in a bookstore.
But that doesn't pay the bills.
I wish it wasn't that way. I wish my safety and happiness was more important than money. I wish that we had enough money so that I didn't have to go to a job where I was afraid of being hurt just so the bills would get paid.
I keep praying for God to rescue me. To help me SOMEHOW. God I need rescuing so badly. I've done every single thing I can think of to help myself. I'm out of ideas and too exhausted at this point to try anything else.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:49 PM | Comments (1)

September 19, 2008

http://www.thecolorfulsoul.com/
This has a lot of my artwork, photography, and jewelry on it, as well as a link to my etsy website, easy ways to purchase artwork and jewelry, links to my favorite websites, and much more. Please take a look.
http://www.thecolorfulsoul.com/

Posted by pilgrim at 2:47 PM | Comments (2)

I think after four years of posting, I've gone around this mountain enough times. We all know what happens to me every fall, every winter. All my readers have seen me go 'round that mountain with relapse in the fall, recovery in the spring (if I'm lucky), losing weight, being lonely, doing well for a little while, going back and forth. We've all read my years of searching and not finding. I think everyone who was interested in my story at one time has heard all they wanted to hear.
I do believe its enough now.
I'm not leaving because I'm "bored" of posting, btw. Someone commented about that and I wanted to make a comment about it. I'm not bored of this place. Indeed, I actually LOVE this place. But I need to put it behind me. I don't want to focus on the trauma anymore.
A student of mine has just died, my whole school year has been one upheaval after another this year, and life is increasingly busy. This Pilgrim's heart has had enough. Maybe I can go find a new one... maybe God will eventually repair this one.
Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me over the past 4 years. I've met so many nice people, and received hundreds of kind people. But its time for me to go.
I am also leaving A Mind's Journey, my support site for people with DID. Everything there just reminds me of Sharon...and the inside kids... and when I had support. Of last year, when things were better, before Sharon hurt me, before all of this happened. I just want to bury it all and try to move on. A new administrator has been chosen to take over as of 9/23/2008. I am sure the site will be in good hands. I will no longer be in charge there and will no longer be checking messages there.
I do not want to be Pilgrim anymore. I don't know who I am, but I definitely don't want to be her.
My new art website is http://www.thecolorfulsoul.com if you want to find me.
Take care.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:03 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack