October 30, 2008

I just wanted to give a little update.
God has been so good to me.
I have quit my teaching job, after being injured pretty badly by a student and no repercussions taken against him, and still getting no help from my administrators. For two years I've been thinking of quitting, and I finally got up the courage to do it.
Now I have a new job as a nanny for a very kind, sweet family taking care of their infant, whom I just adore. I start soon, and it will be a slow, laidback life, lacking paperwork or stress, which is exactly what I need right now. I gave up the money and the prestige I had at my old job, but that's okay. I need this break. This family really likes me, and I feel so appreciated. Plus I get to spend my days rocking a baby-- one of my secret dreams. I will be happy, I think. One child to watch instead of 15, and no more report cards and endlessly increasing paperwork.

Back in January, when Sharon left me, I started praying to God to give me a whole new life, to help me move on in a completely new direction and I believe that this is part of it. He is so gracious. I feel that God is giving me favor with people and helping me move on to a new and different life.
I am involved in several art classes and Bible studies to try to keep my mind on positive things and be involved with very positive, like-minded people who I enjoy hanging around. My husband and I are getting along well. My family is doing well. God is providing for them also.

There is still that ache... this endlessly deep ache inside me that I wish so much would go away... over what happened with Sharon. I feel like I have to hide it and keep it buried... I have to keep the memories buried...the inside kids buried. Mae still cries at night sometimes for Sharon, and it hurts inside so much. I pray and beg God to help me forgive Sharon and move on, to help me forget. I pray for a better counselor to come along if that is what needs to happen... but I will no longer seek one out. After the five awful people I came across after Sharon, I'm not seeking therapy again on my own. There will never be another Sharon. God is going to have to land someone in my lap if He desires me to be in therapy with a good Christian counselor.
It hurts, so much, to think of Sharon. I still have the bad dreams of the night she broke off therapy. I still long so much to talk to her, to have some sort of closure. I still feel like such a fool, for ever believing a word she said, for believing she cared all those years.Was it all fake? Is therapy all a lie? Was all my money wasted? Was I a fool? I can't think of it. The memories are so painful. How I long for a hug from her still.To be in her office. I still think I see her on the street sometimes,my heart skips a beat-- will God bring her in my path someday, so I have the chance to say goodbye? Surely He can arrange such a thing. What Sharon did was wrong-- how she did it was wrong. But how we loved her... How we did love her.
Since quitting my job I have experienced a renewed energy again that I haven't had in years and years. I can clean my house again. I look forward to getting up in the morning. I feel like I have a future again. I smile. That job was weighing me down so much. Now that I've resigned, its like I've lost 100 pounds (that would make me completely invisible.)
How I wish I could share so many things.
My heart still aches. I still have the flashbacks at times. I still have anorexia, and I don't care anymore. If nothing else, I can at least be thin. This has been the hardest, scariest , loneliestyear of my life. But it has been my learning year. The Lord is good to me. He gives me everything I need. He provides. My hope, my future, are in Him.

Please come see me> www.thecolorfulsoul.com

Posted by pilgrim at 9:15 PM | Comments (5)