September 2, 2009

short background 1st: I met my best friend in 5th grade. We were basically best friends during the years I was in gifted classes-- the years when Missy was the main personality (for those of you who have had the misfortune of interacting with Missy....my apologies). Missy was always very rough, in-your-face with her intelligence and her loud mouth. She and I were always complete opposites. This is the person that my best friend knew. But she hung out with me anyway.

Then in college--out of NOWHERE-- best friend (A) dumped me. Not very nicely either. By then, Caroline was around. Soft-spoken, help-everyone, love everybody Caroline. With Jo on occassion-- anorexic, scared Jo. Best friend A said, "We're not friends anymore-- I'm worried about your mental stability. I am too old for a best friend anyway-- that's such a junior high thing. Besides, I have a new best friend." Uh...okay.

Basically, she broke my heart. Then she disappeared. We lived in different states by that point, and lost touch.

Fast forward 18 years. Through a friend who knew her sister on Facebook, i tracked her down on Saturday night and messaged her back.

From looking at her profile, she is NOT the type of person I want to be friends with these days anyway. But I just wanted to see what she is up to. She actually messaged me back. Turns out she is on the other side of the world, married. Looks like she spends her time drinking, partying. Don't know what else i would have expected out of her anyway.

I don't know though... I feel WEIRD.
There is a part of me that wishes for an apology from her-- even though I know it will never come. She is CLUELESS about the fact that she broke my heart (and Jo's especially)
She knew about the anorexia, but nothing else.
There's probably no point in explaining anything to her-- she wouldn't get it (always a bit on the airheady side anyway.)

I just feel weird. Its an answer to prayer, really-- just to find her. Always figured she had died or something. So now I have my answer. I guess I can let it go.
But still, something in my heart wants more. I will never get an apology, and that wouldn't ever work anyway. She can't take back the hurt she caused. And I don't want a relationship with her-- she isn't the kind of person I want to be friends with now.
I guess I just feel bad for Jo...the teenager who lost her friend. I feel bad for the heartbreak.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:04 PM | Comments (1)

September 3, 2009

Ohhhh brother

The other night my husband came home from the grocery store and brought me one of those cute little Ring Pop suckers as a surprise (if you don't have them outside the States, they are little rings that fit around your finger, and the lolly/sucker is a large flavored "diamond" that you put in your mouth to suck on).
Well, it was shiny and sparkly and grape and that totally triggered Mae to come out.
In case anyone doesn't remember, mae is 5.

Well I don't know WHERE she came up with THIS one....

while she's hanging out with her ring pop, she asks my husband, "Why do grown up girls get PMS?"
(where DO children come up with this stuff? honestly?) She is FIVE.
So my poor hubby tries explaining hormones. Which Mae kind of understood meant chemicals.
Thankfully, years ago, Mae had probably talked with Sharon about where babies come from, and I imagine that she and hubby have covered that subject as well, so that didn't come up the other night.
Before we knew it, Mae had hubby drawing her a picture of a woman's total reproductive system .
She wanted to know the WHOLE deal and was apparently fascinated because before long she had hubby on the internet looking up books for her. She wanted a REAL book and a book meant for girls. I think she said a book for young girls so she could understand so he found her 1 meant for 8-10 year olds
(they make books on puberty for EIGHT year olds? holy cow. When I was 8 I was still playing dollies.)

my poor husband. now he gets to have a new adventure with mae because when the book comes in the mail, i am sure she will have him read it to her. ha ha.

So fun being a man married to a multiple i bet. heee hee.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:57 AM | Comments (2)

September 11, 2009

Its been about a year since I last cut, but I still want to sometimes when I get upset (thankfully, its rare these days...of course, my emotions are numb all the time pretty much since I lost sharon. but thats another thread.)

ANYWAY--- I have found something that is like WOW!!! such a good substitute for cutting...

The other day I got one of those Epilady things-- you know those hair-remover deals that "pulls" the hair out of your legs instead of shaving. Holy cow! OUCH! But the thing is-- although it stung on my legs-- here's the deal-- it feels like a razor blade on my arms.

IF You are a cutter who needs to feel that "sting" and that cutting feeling from cutting-- if that is what provides the release for you-- then I'd recommend an Epilady/thingy. It may become your next obsession, but having hairless arms/ legs is a LOT better than having scarred up arms/ legs.

Now, if you are the type of person who gets release/ relief from cutting by seeing the blood instead, the epilady won't work for you. Instead, try dripping red food color or slightly watered down red tempera paint on your arms. It feels like blood, looks like blood, and will wash off. This gives you the feeling and the visual relief.

Of course, if you need BOTH-- do the epilady thing AND the food color.

Anyway, I just thought I'd give you the idea of what I found out helps. Its been a long, long time since I had to do the dripping food color/paint thing since I've finally gotten away from needing the visual part of the cutting, but sometimes I still need to FEEL like I've cut to get those feelings out since I don't have anyone to talk to about all the things we keep bottled up inside. Now I will probably end up being completely hair-free but at least I won't be cutting for real.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:02 PM | Comments (1)

September 14, 2009

Ever lived life with your eyes closed? Ever become aware that you're doing that, but been content to stay that way? Safer, that may be.
Safer, but it gets boring after a while. Leaves you hanging, wondering, "what if?"
Every started to ponder, if i opened my eyes a little I wonder what I'd see?
Scarier, but the possibility of adventure is there.
Sometimes the Lord opens our eyes. Sometimes life's tragic events open our eyes. Maybe a little of both or neither or a combination of other things.
The past few months my eyes have been opening a bit here and there.
Sometimes on places I didn't even know my eyes were closed.
Ever been like that? Your eyes open and you realize, "Ohhh.... I had no idea."
You see things with a new view. A new perspective.
You realize that you've outgrown something. Or you are ready to move into something else.
Or maybe, you are ready to stay where you are for a little while longer.
The point is, though, that you finally SEE.
You finally see.

I have been taking a lot of risks lately. God has been opening my eyes on some things. Although I still have far, far to go, some things I see with new eyes. In some things, I decide to stay a little longer. In some things I decide to change my viewpoint. Sometimes when I open my eyes I realize I have already been changed, already have moved on--without realizing it. That is always a little odd-sort of a "whoa, how did I get here?" sort of feeling. Sometimes taking risks now is a lot easier than it used to be. "Oh this? This is no problem now. Used to scare me out of my pants, but now it's old hat." Sometimes the risks still take my breath away. Sometimes I still cannot find my way out of a paperbag.

But the point is, I still now see. I no longer hold my eyes shut tight. I have become willing to open them. At least I now SEE.

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Posted by pilgrim at 1:58 PM | Comments (1)

September 18, 2009

I don't know about you, but I am a sucker for these words when it comes to children.
This morning I was on the phone with my sister (who lives far away) when she dropped my niece at school. I was on speakerphone and told my niece, "I love you! Have a great day at school!" and my niece yelled back, "I love you too!" Then my 3 year old nephew yelled, "I love you too, ____!"
Oh, man, my heart. Instantaneous jell-o.
I don't know what it is about those 3 words and children. I go from a strong woman of God to a blubbering mass of nothing when a child says I loves you, gives me a kiss, or gives me a hug. Its really rather pitiful.
I can see it now: my niece will be 16 years old, borrow my car, have an accident, and smash it into bits, but she comes to me and says "I wrecked your car--but, I love you!" And I'll stand there with a doofus-y grin on my face and stars in my eyes saying, "Ohhh baby girl, I love you TOOOO!!!!"
Sad.
Or maybe just, enamored.
One day several years ago I was teaching math to a particularly wonderful pre-K class I had when a child who had been in my room for 3 years raised his hand. This was a child who had caused me endless problems. We had literally had to wrestle him to teach him to sit in a chair, he had yelled profanities at me, and he was a frequent flier in the time out chair for hitting & biting other students. He was often whining, complain-y, and moan-y.
But this day during math he raised his hand. "Yes, M___?"
"Mrs. P, I love you," he said, and came up to give me a hug. Out of nowhere.
Oh my GOSH. "Oh honey, I love you too, " I replied.
Math time totally stopped while the rest of the class felt obliged to come up and give me hugs and "I love you too's." Which of course, left me in a pile of jell-o-y, share-the-l0ve-let's-stop-math-and-do-something-more-fun mode.
I'm just a sucker that way, I guess. If someone loves me, especially a child, I want to just soak it in. Stop and let my heart be filled up. Take a break from all the harsh things going on in the world and share the love.

Do you ever wonder if God is like that too? For He,too, is enamored with us. And most of the time we, his children, come to him with complaints and requests and in whine & groan mode (as do our own children, right?) Do you ever wonder if when we come to God simply with an "I love you" He ever just stops what He's doing and lets his heart turn to jell-o and stops to soak it up?
Ever wonder if sometimes its good to stop asking God for things and just stop and say, "Hey, thanks for just being You, and by the way, I love you!"
How about right now?

Posted by pilgrim at 11:52 AM | Comments (1)

September 28, 2009

I'd like to take just a minute to thank every one of you who takes the time to write me e-mails and comments. In the years that we've been writing Pilgrim's Journey, we have received literally HUNDREDS of comments and e-mails about the impact that this simple journal has had on you. Thank you so much for letting me know. Even though I don't always have time to get back to each and every one of you, please know that I read every e-mail that I receive and am thankful for the good and kind things you have to say. I appreciate it when you tell me your stories. Those are things I don't take lightly. Sometimes I don't know what to say back. Sometimes I just write you a thank you. But please know that one of us always reads them.

It does not say here on the home page but our e-mail address has changed to freeforfaith@yahoo.com. Also you can follow me on twitter at JustPilgrim.

As for those of you who write snarky, spammy comments and say stupid things intended to hurt our feelings, you can rest assured that they get immediately deleted and have no impact on my life whatsoever so you can feel free to stop any time. All I happen to do is laugh at how stupid/silly/idiotic you sound, and then I delete. Occassionally I pray for you, but honestly, that's rare. Mostly I just laugh at how stupid the spam or hateful e-mails are. So you can feel free to give that up any time. They won't EVER show up on this journal for anyone else to see.

For those of you who write kind things and share your stories---thank you-- we appreciate it. Feel free to keep it up :)

Posted by pilgrim at 1:51 PM | Comments (1)