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February 23, 2005

Winnie the Pooh

i got a new game its winnie the pooh
it has a hefalump in it
but i dont no how to get [past the hefalump its to hard
i got some new games
i ben playing with my T. she has the pepol house pepol and famlies. and they got tinkertoys. me and T bilt a plase to play
i try to be good an folow the rules. there be lots ov rules. its hard to be doinng the rules all the time. htis is SadGirl.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:55 PM | Comments (0)

February 20, 2005

on my own

I have made it through 2 days of handling everything on my own without spacing out or getting lost inside my head. TWO DAYS. I am kinda proud about that. This morning I had to pay some bills, did it just fine by myself without Missy. Friday I handled a rough morning at school by myself without C****. I even made it through the Walmart toy department without SadGirl coming out (although, I did have to walk really really fast through the aisles and not let myself look at anything.)
Friday at work was a little bit frustrating (not much but some) because all of my students who are all very very high needs all wanted my undivided attention constantly and they’ve all been sick which makes some of them whiney and some of them tired and some of them forget that they need to be nice, so this week we’ve had a lot of whining and crying and (so fun) throwing up and fevers in my class. Yesterday the kids were all hanging off me because of course they have to be touching me to believe they have my attention so I had 2 in my lap, 1 hanging on to each arm, 1 in my face, and 1 climbing on my back. Now normally this is just fine and something I love but I have been super tired so all I wanted to do was go home. I know that C**** would have handled things much better than yesterday. I was still kind and loving to the kids but I sure wasn’t feeling it.
Also my classroom computer died on me so I lost dozens and dozens of important files, even though I was backing things up as quickly as I could once I realized it was crashing. Luckily I found that C**** had at least backed up the kids report cards earlier in the month, yay C**** for helping without me knowing it! Boy was I glad to find that disk in my desk! That is something C**** is great for—she thinks of everything.
But I mostly handled things by myself and though I was very quiet and kept to myself I did sit with some other teachers at lunch. I didn’t really say anything though but I did eat in front of them.
Well anyway I just wanted to tell you some good news for a change, that I made it through 2 days on my own with no help from the others.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:16 PM | Comments (2)

February 18, 2005

This weekend

This weekend what I really want to do is curl up under some covers in a big, cozy bed, and sleep and escape. That is all. My body's been aching and I've been exhausted even though I get 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night and I'm always cold. Trying to get over this flu bug, or whatever thing this might be.
Just living from 1 therapy session to the next.
I am lonely and want to talk to someone. I wish I had a friend to hang out with or talk to, someone to go to the mall with or call me on the phone, or someone just to come over and play video games with.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:26 PM | Comments (0)

February 17, 2005

Hard week

This week has been very hard. Valentine's Day sets off a series of crises that are hard on everyone inside. I have barely been sleeping or eating, been getting lots of stomach aches, and switching a lot. I'm so tired all the time that it feels like if I just let myself close my eyes I'd fall asleep in less than a few seconds. SadGirl got all upset over some flashbacks from the past this week, ended up tearing up my notebooks and papers from therapy, gagging until she threw up, and scribbling all over that she hates everyone. :( Nobody keeps having flashbacks that are pretty severe... ones that make her physically ill. I'm so tired of it all. Plus work has been really frustrating and exhausting this week, the highlight of which was when my computer died and I lost EVERYTHING on it, except for the few files I had time to back up before it it crashed. One of my students is in the hospital and I am extremely worried about her... she isn't that healthy to begin with. :( There's more going on but I dont want to be all whiney and complaining.
SadGirl went to therapy today finally. I am not for sure what she and my T talked about. I do know that T had out some little people toys and they were acting something out...something about the bad people I think, and a big bad wolf with blood on his teeth who would bite the little girl... I think that SadGirl threw away the wolf, or else he went away. Then SadGirl and T were using Tinkertoys to make a playground for the little people together on the floor. I hope that means things were going better. At least SadGirl isn't upset and crying right now.
I've been really lonely and alone. Big surprise.
There isn't anyone.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2005

overwhelmed

I would like to disappear.
I'm so lonely.

i am just nobody too... just like the other nobody.
who do i think i am, trying to do something good for people, having a website, a diary, writing things that i hope people will learn from? who cares what I think?
Right now I'm jut fat and ugly and a waste of space.
I wish I had a friend to talk to right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:20 PM | Comments (5)

February 11, 2005

Feeling better

This is Pilgrim.
I feel a little bit better inside today.
I realized that the one who calls herself Nobody, who is usually suicidal and always trying to find ways to die, hasn't wanted to do that for a whole week now.
Which means I have gone a whole week without any suicidal thoughts. It makes things easier on me when I don't have someone in the back of my head pressing on me always saying "i want to die, you have to let me die, I have to go away."
She is actually working, I know she's been working with my therapist, and I've seen the things she's been doing. I dont know any specifics but I have a rough idea of the things they're talking about in therapy. It feels like for the 1st time, she is actually moving on a little bit, instead of being sTuck in her hole of sadness and depression. I think she's developing some sort of relationship with my therapist, and it seems like she even wants to reach out to the rest of us too-- and that's never happened before.
I'm actually sorta amazed... and a little proud. She's 17 and this is the 1st time she's ever wanted to come out from under her black cloud. Its actually kinda neat.

Today I am at home sick. I actually went to the doctor and took care of myself-- a big scary thing. Since SadGirl has been cooped up inside all week, I'm going to put in a children's movie for her to watch, and let her just have some time to herself as a reward. Today I feel like doing something to make her happy.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:16 AM | Comments (1)

February 10, 2005

*wham*

This is Pilgrim.
I have been laying low a lot.
The one who calls herself "nobody" has been working really hard in therapy this week with my T, and I've been just watching or staying away.
Plus, I've been sick. And I tend to stay away from situations where feelings are involved... its much easier to let the others handle all of the intense things that therapy brings up.

Most of the time, I try to remain in my own little non-aware world... in a fog of denial and unreality. Not just about life, not just about the things that happened to me as I was growing up, but even about
things that go on in the present. What war? What problems at work? What election? What difficulties at home/school/in the country/ in the world/ in therapy/ in my head?

But then things will happen, like today... that it just hits me. I can remain in denial for a lot of the time. Oh, those other people, they're not real. There's no SadGirl, C****, Nobody, Tuck, Claire, twins, whoever. I dont REALLY have anything wrong. Its my imagination (I try to convince myself.) Then things will happen like today. The nightmares that Nobody had this morning that woke her up--- that was definitely not me. Then I know that Nobody went to therapy today-- and she switched and out came Missy. Missy is absolutely, completely, a separate personality, the antithesis of what most of us want to be. (Man, I want to know what she said to our T also... I really hope she behaved herself.). Then this evening another switch and time loss happened again. It happened yesterday too. And then it hits me that dammit, this isn't made up, this isn't my imagination,i didn't invent them up...this is real.... it is all too real...
its overwhelming.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:27 PM | Comments (1)

February 7, 2005

Not that this is any surprise, but...

... I'm lonely.

My heart hurts to have a friend here with me.

I would like to call Judy and talk to her, but her phone is probably not on.
I would like to call my sister, but I can guarantee she's in bed asleep.
I wish I had a friend I could call and talk to. Or ... go over to their house... a place to go for refuge.
I wonder what it is like, to have someone to lean on? to know that you can rely on? to know that you can trust? what is it like t

there is no sense in this kind of talk.

maybe tomorrow i will write about Mixed Messages. I was going to tonight but... my heart just hurts.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:14 PM | Comments (1)

February 5, 2005

more on time

I was wondering about SadGirl and time too. I was wondering if she just doesn't see calenders or things with dates on them. For instance the posts here are dated and she has posted here before, right? Perhaps it's a preconditioned response to not look at calendars or dates on things.--Judy

Well...actually... hm. Never even noticed that the posts here are dated, actually. So I doubt that SadGirl has noticed it either.
*bonk on head*
--duh--
None of us actually ever looks at calendars, dates, or times much.
We have clocks all over our house-- in every room. In fact for many years we had THREE clocks on the dresser beside my bed. Trying to hold onto time for lots of different reasons. Because time skips around so much... and moves around at different rates... and sometimes stands still and sometimes skips ahead... time has just been too complicated. Its always been this way ever since I was little.
Some of us wear a watch. Some of us refuse to. Some of us check the clocks all the time. Some of us dont even know how to tell time. Some of us can't ever remember what day it is. It just varies on who's fronting and what's important to them.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:13 PM | Comments (1)

February 4, 2005

Time passing by for alters unaware

A while ago Paul asked Does SadGirl experience time passing? This is one point I've never figured out... whether a personality feels time unless it is fronting?. (I'm sorry it took me this long to get back to this question; I hope you're still reading.

I dont quite understand how SadGirl experiences time passing.
I know she mainly lives in the 1970's. She says things like "you know how the other day we went to the park"... and it turns out she is talking about something that happened in 1977. But then at times she will say, "Oh a long long time ago I did _____"... and it turns out she's talking about last Wednesday.
She just seems to have no sense of time at all.
SadGirl does seem to have a better sense of things when she's around consistently for several days at a time, then things begin to make more sense to her. But as things work, most of the time SadGirl just gets bits and pieces of the day, or sometimes just time out a couple days a week. Life is probably pretty inconsistent for her, as much as I try to make things reliable and consistent and routine.
Time is a very tricky subject for everyone inside, actually. But thats such a complicated topic, I wouldn't even know where to start. Its like it doesn't even exist.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 PM | Comments (2)

February 3, 2005

Trying to catch up

Splitting headache continues.
I'm still trying to catch up with what's going on. I feel foggy.
I know that Nobody went to therapy today and talked with our therapist... something about their relationship, something about.... ?? using a different language??.... when she feels up to it she can explain.
At least in all of this confusion the past week or so, I lost a little weight. Apparently whoever was around, just didn't eat... being someone with an eating disorder, I dont have a problem with that. ;)
I have a few days off coming up. We're going to really try to make them constructive... take time to do some artwork and inside communication. This really needs to happen. Things have fallen apart for the past week. That might not sound like long to most people, but if you're inside and in a trainwreck its way too long.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:31 PM | Comments (1)

February 2, 2005

Too much pressure in my head... in a fog

I'm here again.
I have a really bad headache tonight, like there is too much pressure in my head.
Sorry... right now I dont have the words to explain what's been going on. Will try later. Will try to write my way out of this fog.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:41 PM | Comments (3)

January 28, 2005

not here

not here. no

Posted by pilgrim at 2:26 PM | Comments (3)

January 27, 2005

those girls leving for now

say bye from Tuck
there herted to bad

Posted by pilgrim at 5:22 PM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2005

Tuesdays

Are Tuesdays going to be like this forever now or something?
Because last Tuesday was the 1 year anniversary since I saw my best friend? I'm so lonely that my heart feels like its being torn in two. I want to just curl up on the couchand bury myself under the blankets. Never come out. SadGirl is saying "Does she come back tonight?" NO, SadGirl, she DOESNT come back tonight.
I dont know what to say or do to make SadGirl feel better. I dont know what to do or say to make me feel better. I feel like nothing I do works.
I just stood there in the bathroom staring up at the ceiling for the longest time, trying not to cry and trying to think of some way to get over these broken hearts. But I just keep coming up with nothing.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:30 PM | Comments (2)

January 22, 2005

i am so far away

copied from my journal

I am writing from far away now down a long hallway that echos. Sounds are echoing off the walls.
Tuck wants you to know he knows what you (my T) said the other niiiiiiight about this earth suit thing but he is a boy and he feels like a boy and he dooooooos boy stuff and he actslike a boy I am sitting here with m y eyes closed and I can see him inside and he sure looks like a boy to me also.
Headache.have to go,,, too tired all of a sudden.

had more to say but will have to try again later

Posted by pilgrim at 11:25 AM | Comments (1)

January 19, 2005

Withdrawing

Tonight I stared out the peephole of my front door for a long time.
Wishing as hard as I could that I could make my best friend appear at the door like she used to. I wished so,so hard that I thought I could make her magically appear.

She didn't.

I see the moon and the moon sees me.
The moon sees somebody I want to see.
God bless the moon
and God bless me
and God bless the somebody I want to see.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:24 PM | Comments (4)

This is how I feel today.

Deep in thought.
Just sort of restless.
Sort of lonely.
Sort of lost.
Sort of found.
Sort of all over the place.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:03 PM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2005

headache

I had to get offline for a little while tonight. I got triggered and had a really hard time. It was when I read something about someone's kitty dying... hearing about animals in pain or children in pain is my biggest trigger. I was reading and immediatey got a pounding headache... too many voices, too many big reactions inside. Some of my pets were hurt when I was little-- I can't talk about it.
Tonight the buzzing in my ears started and the bad headache and the pounding and voices-- i just felt so bad and curled up on the couch for a while in a ball as small as i could. I took a lot of deep breaths. These just aren't the kinds of headaches that some aspirin can help.
C**** took over for a little while with the deep breaths and calmed SadGirl down, and gradually the headache went away. Then she ate some toast and helped the rest of us feel a little better. C****'s always the calm one...

Posted by pilgrim at 9:45 PM | Comments (3)

January 14, 2005

Loneliness hitting me again

*wow* . i just got hit by a wave of loneliness and despair. It was slowly coming as I was out on a walk... I was missing my ex-best friend. We used to take walks together, and I was lonely to have her beside me. I miss sitting on the couch with her too, holding hands or sitting with her head on my shoulder or her playing with my hair. Its the little things I miss.
Then i read a note someone wrote... it was Judy, and many of you here at Healthdiaries know how caring,loving, and deephearted she is. She wrote that she needed to stay with her mom, who was upset, and she wrote "I can't let her down when she's crying and needs me."
It reminds me of what my sister says when she's with her daughter, how she can't let her daughter Sam cry, she has to be there and help her. I am so selfish--because I am so jealous. I would give anything for someone to say that about me. Anything. I didn't have my parents there when I needed them. If I cried, I got sent to my room until I could come out with a smile on my face. If I cried in front of my ex boyfriend, he got angry. I rarely cry anymore-- I shut down instead. my husband is busy. He isn't home much. I can call him at work if i need to... but he is often with a client or busy. He has often gotten annoyed with me if I start crying. My therapist-- well, she's got an hour, that's it, if you're still crying when your time is up, then tough on you.
I have a stomachache, I feel so yucky inside and lonely and... bad.
I feel like the only thing that's ever been here for me is my eating disorder and cutting.
not quite as nice as having a person.
its all i have for now.
Gosh I am so...
jealous
lonely
stupid

i wish i had a friend. anyone. any kind of relationship where the person would say "I can't let Pilgrim down when she needs me."

i'm sorry. this was a stupid post. :(

Posted by pilgrim at 3:58 PM | Comments (4)

January 11, 2005

thinking.

I am really lonely for my old best friend tonight. I went for a long walk today, and I wanted her with me like she used to be. A week from today it will be a year since I saw her last. I feel like curling up in a ball and hibernating until Spring.

I guess I can see all this time alone as giving me more time to think and figure things out. I wouldnt have that if I were surrounded by people all the time. i am probably luckier and most because I have time to myself. i know there are people who would give anything for some time alone.

Today something occurred to me...for the 1st time in 4 years. Why didn't this ever hit me before?
My therapist is not my mom or dad. She isn't my ex-boyfriend either.
I am not my therapist's victim.

if i talk about what i really need to talk about and what i really feel and let her see the real us and what we're all like... that might just be ok.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:28 PM | Comments (1)

January 9, 2005

I have been having panic attacks again

I have been having panic attacks again. Just little ones. Not the huge, the world is dying and I am too and this is it I'm having a heart attack RIGHT NOW type panic attacks that I used to have, but little ones. They've just started up again since my trip home over Christmas to visit my family. I can't figure out why . The trip went well. But now that I am home again, I am panicky all the time. I want to stay home all the time even more now. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking apart. Not just breaking apart, but like I'm a spring that's wound too tight and just waiting for the chance to go "BOING!!!!" and fling myself into a thousand pieces into all different directions.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:35 PM | Comments (4)

January 8, 2005

Why self-injure...

I do all sorts of things to punish/hurt/injure myself... some of the insiders do it (Missy and the bully do it to punish me, Nobody does it to hurt herself, SadGirl & me& Nobody all do it sometimes when we can't find the words to express what we need to i guess. Its like...
there comes a point when everything is too overwhelming, when everything is just too much. It's too much, because it started out as too much. Too much pain and frustration and "stuff" gets built up inside so fast that it feels like there is no way to get it out. Sometimes cutting/ burning or other S.I. (self injury) "helps". Its a release...calms me down. Makes me feel like I've gotten some of the bad stuff out, if only for a short while. Watching my arm bleed makes me feel as though all the bad stuff (whatever it may be-- guilt, shame, fat, memories, flashbacks) is getting out of my body). Burning myself feels like a test of how much pain I can take...
its very difficult to explain.
A couple years ago I wrote an essay of sorts about why I cut. I'm going to look it up and post it if I can find it, and see if that helps.
I know its a verd weird, and twisted concept to most people.
There is a book called A Bright Red Scream that does a good job of explaining why people self-injure. There is also a good forum available for people who self injure called BUS (Bodies Under Seige).

Posted by pilgrim at 9:31 PM | Comments (3)

The Weekend

I'm going to try really hard to do better this weekend, to make things better inside. I got 10 hours of sleep last night, and feel pretty good. This weekend I'm going to take time to make collages and do some artwork, go to the craft store to get the things I need to express myself creatively instead of doing stupid things like burning and cutting.I'm going to try really hard to do better.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:34 AM | Comments (1)

January 6, 2005

Yep, back to normal, all right.

Depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
Yep, all is back to normal in this section of my head.
I haven't had panic attacks in a couple years, but the past week or so, they've been back. I (Pilgrim) am getting more depressed-- its usually Nobody that carries the depression for me. I'm really lonely for my ex best friend, its been nearly a year since she last spoke to me and I am still left with no answers. I saw a commercial advertising vitamins tonight and it had in it 3 best friends (and this amazing vitamin meets all their various nutritional needs, wow! amazing! buy it!). I got so depressed and jealous and lonely. Will I ever have someone to hang out with? Am I always going to be this alone? Am I ever going to have a best friend? Am I going to be this lonely all my life? Is SadGirl EVER going to stop saying, "[ex friends name]" EVERY time the doorbell rings and its only the postman? Are any of us ever going to get over this?
I dont want to go to work tomorrow. And I love my job. Instead I feel like curling up in my blankets and just hiding from the world. I dont want to come out until someone can make things better. Right now I want my therapist to come and say "what can I do to help? what do you need me to do?"
I didn't eat much today. I also self- injured the past 3 days. Yah, like those things are going to help, imbecile.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:23 PM | Comments (1)

January 5, 2005

too many voices

its just too much tonight. i tried keeping myself all together in 1 piece during my vacation. i fought the switching as hard as i could to make sure that no one in my family noticed anything or thought i was weird. i held myself together as long as i could even through therapy yesterday. i wanted to come back and see my T and be in a good mood so she would be glad to see me again and not think i was a pain. tonight i feel like i just can't pretend anymore. i just need someone to talk to. I needed my therapist today. i needed someone to talk to. i needed to get some of this stuff out of my head. there's so much noise and so much yelling. my heads too full. i feel like i've exploded.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:59 PM | Comments (0)

mess

mess inside and now i've created a mess outside. i have to keep it IN. i have to keep all this mess INSIDE. i cut as soon as i got home. i am going to go exercise. i am TOO FAT! there is nothing wrong with me except that I weigh too much and i'm far too visible. if i was invisible then there would be nothing wrong. i can't let anyone hurt me. no one can hurt me like i can hurt myself. i'm an idiot for wanting to talk to my T today anyway. i'm an idiot for being selfish, for wanting someone to be around when i need them when that's just never going to happen. the only thing there when i need it is my eating disorder and cutting.
i'm a stupid fat digusting nobody.
nobody. just nobody.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:54 PM | Comments (0)

December 31, 2004

Sad

Tonight is my last night here on vacation with my family. And I just want to be with them. But theres a bunch of people here that I dont know and they are loud and talking a bunch and its scaring me. And SadGirl's been going on all week about being scared here because my brother in law says bad words and talks too loud, so I try to stay away from him because he scares her too much. (Yesterday, you know what SadGirl says to me? "I shouldn't be around people that say bad words, that isn't a good choice." --- my therapist is rubbing off on her I think). I just want to be with my family but is too busy here and too many people and I dont know what to do and I feel unwelcome I dont know why but I just want to disappear. I go home tomorrow and I'm going to miss my family so much but I also miss my home but I like being here too. I just dont know what to do. I shut down when my brother in law is talking because he's either saying something that's teasing me or saying something loud and bad words and that's just too much to take for SadGirl and for me too and I feel like an idiot. I just want to be with my sister and Sammy and my mom and dad, that's ALL.
I like to stay here and help out. We have been helping with cleaning up and with Sam and helping around the house this week and helped mom get ready for Christmas and everything. It was nice to feel useful again and like somebody needed me. I will miss that and I know SadGirl will too. Missy's starting to get mad at me for complaining so I need to shut my fat mouth, I'm sorry for whining.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:36 PM | Comments (2)

December 11, 2004

Stockholm Syndrome, maybe?

This morning someone was asking me how can it be that I love my dad and how can I think good things about him . They just didn’t understand. But whats not to understand? It makes sense to me. He hurt my pets. He sometimes killed them (cant talk about it). He used to tell me he couldn’t stand to have a daughter like me. He used to threaten to drop me at the orphanage or drop me by the side of the road. I KNEW that if he got mad enough at me he would get rid of me or kill me. I KNEW it. But you know what? He DIDN’T. he could have but he DIDN’T. dad saved my LIFE.
How am I supposed to be mad at him for that?
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have what's called "Stockholm Syndrome" ...its a syndrome where people bond to their abusers. Its a survival method.
My sister is angry at our dad. She doesn't have a problem with that. She calls things like she sees them. She doesnt understand how I can NOT do that. NO, me, i still keep my dad on a pedestal.
A friend wrote me today saying "I guess things must be pretty bad for someone to be grateful to be allowed to continue to live, no more." But i thought that everyone felt this way-- isn't everyone grateful to be allowed to live? especially when their life has been in danger all the time? if all you wanted to do was to survive another day, wouldn't you be grateful if the people you were afraid of let you make it?

Posted by pilgrim at 9:48 PM | Comments (5)

December 4, 2004

working really hard- Family First by Dr Phil

We have been working very hard to get everyone on the same team. We read this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First, which was really, really helpful. We had to modify a lot of the wording and adapt some things because this is not QUITE a family, but a... system... but basically what it all means is everyone taking responsibility for things we've each done wrong, looking for ways we can contribute to helping things get better inside. Then we answered questions from the book,and we're working on making a "handbook" so to speak. This is what's been accomplished so far this weekend, based on Family First

Ways I’m responsible for problems in our team:
I often get in fights with Missy and the others
I often call Missy a bitch
I have disagreements with Missy, Carol, nobody
I put down nobody.
I put down Missy.
Sometimes I make sarcastic comments about Carol being so “perfect” even though I know she doesn’t deserve them.
Sometimes I ignore the others.
I often say they don’t exist which always leads to problems.
I don’t pay attention a lot of the time to things that are going on. I just blank out and let others handle things.

Things I will do (grrr…even if I don’t always feel like it) to help make things better:

Respond more appropriately to Missy and everyone (like listening instead of saying “shut up”)
Refrain from calling Missy a bitch. Instead, listen to what she has to say and try to see her side. (I think this one will be very difficult)
Do not put down anyone else inside.
Stick up for them instead.
Show appreciation for the things the others do/have done, by saying nice things, giving them time to do what they need to do, listening to them, sharing things with them.
Stop saying they don’t exist.
Try harder to stay present more often and pay attention to what’s going on (I think this one will be the hardest because I just don’t DO it enough, I’m too used to spacing out.)
P.

Things I can do (Carol)
I haven’t been facilitating things the way I should be so I need to start doing so. Gosh I run my classroom in a certain way and I hadn’t thought of the fact that we could all work together as a team in the same way too. So I think it would be a good start to look at how we run our class and use the same ideas.
I have been too preoccupied with doing everything on my own with no help. It would probably be better if I asked for some advice and help at times.

Nobody what do you do that contributes to problems and what can you do to help make things better?
Please answer next time you are around.

Things SadGirl sometimes does that contribute to problems: yell, cry, doesn’t listen at times (although you do most of the time thank you).
Things SadGirl can do to help things work better: well you have been doing a LOT better with a LOT of things, so that has helped a lot with everything. You have made a lot of improvements this past year. So pretty much just keep up the good work. Keep using your words to talk instead of shutting down or cutting or yelling.
I do it only I want to talk to sharin more

Missy: what you have been doing to cause problems has been quite obvious
What we need you to do to help make things better:
Stop sneaking around
Stop taking over
Stop pretending to be others
In exchange we will be: listening to your side more often; giving you time to do what you want to on your own; giving you input on decisions

Making a system work better:
1.Create a nurturing and accepting system
2.promote rhythm in our lives
-do things together, establish standars of conduct,be accountable for your choices, stand up for each other
3. Establish meaningful rituals and traditions
4. Be active in our communication
5. Learn how to manage crises
-- stay calm, close ranks, communicate, keep things safe, draw on resources we have, be open to solutions, find meaning in what is happening

Better ways to communicate:
adopt a genuinely open attitude and treat everyone’s communications as legitimate
give them your undivided and unhurried attention
tuly listen to what they’re saying so that your responses are relevant and therefore of interest
listen for the underlying need that is moviating their communication

Negotiation with others:
Treat each other with respect
Treat each other as reasonable and intelligent human beings
-if someone has pride of ownership in a plan, they’re much less likely to rebel against it
-people who have ownership in a plan are much less likely to thwart it, because that would amount to an admission of failure on their part
-children especially will gaina sense of security if they feel a sense of power

Four Steps to Successful Negoation
Narrow the area of dispute – 1st identify things you can both agree on
find out what it is they really want—find the need or desire behind the request
work hard to find a middle ground in which both sides give a little and get a little
be specific in your agreement and the outcome of the negoations. Describe behaviors in great details so its easy to measure when there’s been compliance
make negotiated agreements, shorter term in the beginning and longer term after a period of adjustment.

Stay focused on the final result (cooperation, working functionaly) not on the intervening distractins
Find out exactly what everyone (especially Missy) is willing to work for

How we want our “family” (sorry, I will come up with a better word) to be:
Supportive respectful disciplined caring free
Creative easygoing loving cooperative helpful
Fair honest moral healthy strong
Responsible compassionate patient empathetic
Generous kind courageous trustworthy successful (definition of success varies by person though)

We can all agree that we basically all as a whole want to be seen this way.

Pick 3 and write personal statements for them.

Respectful--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people with dignity and respect.
Cooperative--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people in ways that show cooperation and attempt to find a common ground when dealing with one another.
Healthy-- Our family will make healthy choices with our selves and each other such as eating some healthy foods and taking medicines and ALL taking turns going to talk to our T.

For each of the 3 values described above, write 3 ways we will behave to model these values.

Behaviors required to model that value
Respectful--
listen to each other
stop telling each other to shut up
do not call each other names
2.Cooperative—
a. work together on things like this
b. share time
c. take turns doing things that you want
3.Healthy
a. take medicine—NO more cutting down without telling the others
b. eat every day whether you want to or not
c. everyone take turns going to see our T, this includes Missy going once
in a while, and Carol, and not passing over SadGirl just because she is
little.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:36 PM | Comments (0)

November 28, 2004

Just too many voices tonight

Lots of voices tonight inside making a ruckus and I can't tell who is who. Nothing is clear eough to tell. I just can't concentrate on anything right now. Something is stirred up inside but I'm not sure what. On the outside I am looking really calm, just sitting here typing on my laptop. But inside I've got chaos. I've learned to hide it well. I used to "freak out" a lot more. Panic attacks, and crying on the outside a lot more. Thanks to some medications and teaching myself to appear more blank I've gotten better at hiding it. I bet no one would guess right now by looking at me that I feel like screaming my head off. I bet no one, my husband or my therapist or a colleague, would ever think by looking at me right now :she is going insane inside her head.
Well guess what. :(

Posted by pilgrim at 8:23 PM | Comments (1)

November 27, 2004

Wish I had a friend.

i am just lonely. i want to talk to people but i just dont know how to do it right. i am just really lonely for a friend right now. i guess thats all i have to say.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:19 PM | Comments (20)

November 24, 2004

Do i just resign myself?

Last night in bed, I was thinking about what I wrote her..about denying everyoneand their existence. I realized that I've had this conversation with my therapist quite a few times; with myself, countless times. This whole "they're real; they're not real; they can't be real; of course they are real" record plays in my head on a regular basis. I dont know why I do it...it doesn't get me anywhere. :( When I try to "make" the others go away, and force them to stay inside, not let them talk, when I try to ignore them, I always end up paying for it in a big way: getting my hand sliced open, having an iron set down on my hand; finding threats from them written in my notebooks; something in my life gets sabotaged by Missy or the Bully.

One of these times, I'm going to learn.

Thank you Theresa, for your comments:

How are you able to function and have relationships, how do you control it? Does therapy help you with this and do you ever think youll be just one person someday?

Able to function really well at work-- thank goodness. Carol takes care of work. Its her job. I (Pilgrim) am a really good teacher...its something I've always wanted to do, I've always had a talent for it,and I love little kids. However, I'm hardly ever able to shut my mind off in order to concentrate on my students and my job, so when I'm working, I'm still pretty distracted. But Carol-- she's a pro at teaching. Nothing distracts her. When she's at work, she's all about work and nothing gets in her way. So Carol handles work from 7:30 to 4:00 every day. I dont know how it works. All I know is that, no matter how depressed I am, or whatever is going wrong with me in the mornings, or even if its Nobody driving to work, once we set foot in the building, Carol takes over.

After work,functioning is questionable...it just depends on who's here. Nobody-- she can't get much done; she's too depressed to do much. I (pilgrim) sort of plug my way through the day the best I can. We can usually rely on Missy to get bills paid, housework done, and shopping done-- those are things she is good at. I guess that everyone just does what they can.

Relationships...well those don't go so well. I dont have many. I dont have any real-life friends. My sister is my best friend and always has been, but we live really far apart. Carol has good relationships with people at work-- she can make eye contact, joke around with people, make people feel comfortable, and she's good at helping others. Nobody-- she can't make eye contact with anyone, not even our therapist; she's too afraid to be around anyone at all. Its different for everyone. Relationships are complicated; a lot of them haven't worked out. A lot of times its been my [our] fault. Sometimes it has been others.

Therapy helps a lot...although i think my therapist deserves a medal, a commendation, a raise, and a trip to Hawaii for dealing with me the past few years.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:18 PM | Comments (1)

November 23, 2004

Its my turn to talk

THIS IS Missy AND I AM SO PISSED OFF. EVERYONE GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LISTEN. NOW.
i am so pissed off.oh fuck off everyone and get the HELL OUT OF MY WAY so I can write. I don’t care what you think. Shut your fat mouths and quit WHINING!
I just got back from Dr x’s office. SO WHAT? I went to see her. I am ALWAYS the one who goes to see her. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it you guys. I don’t see any of you volunteering to go.
I want OFF all of these medications. ALL OF THEM. I don’t need medications.
LISTEN TO ME:
THIS IS MY BODY! MINE! And I do not want to take any medications anymore. I told Dr x today. I tried to be NICE about it. I tried even being Carol-like about it. I tried to sound like pilgrim (even though, JEEESUZ you sound so PATHETIC)… telling her I wanted to start taking control over my life, setting boundaries, wanting to do things on my own without medications—which is stuff I KNOW you guys have been discussing. But no now you guys are all whining because I went ahead and TOLD her that…fucking babies. Well of course Dr x(who is apparently the expert on ME and MY BODY and my LIFE) wasn’t happy that I’ve been cutting down on your meds (yes, I have been… who cares? You guys should have been paying more attention, losers.) How about being clear-headed for ONCE? Youre so lost in your foggy little heads that you don’t even know WHAT the fuck is going on. So go ahead and blame this mess on me but you know what, I am just trying to get things to the way they SHOULD be. Jesus fucking Christ. I am so tired of living with you. THIS IS MY BODY. MINE! I WANT OUT OF HERE! I want to talk to the therapist. I want to be like dad is and be able to call down to her office and demand that she gets on the phone--- that’s what works for dad. But NO she is on VACATION.
I HATE YOU GUYS!
Dr x asked if I’ve had any anxiety or suicidal thoughts. I said “not me personally.” See… I even threw her a bone there…she could have said “what do you mean ‘not you personally’?” And then I could have explained to her that I, Missy, have NEVER had any of that shit…I would have happily explained to her that you guys are the losers and that I am completely separate from you.

I AM SERIOUS. I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM THEM. I HATE THEM. THEY ARE RUINING MY LIFE!

Posted by pilgrim at 6:40 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2004

i just need to TALK

I need so much to talk to someone right now. I NEED to. there is no one. Missy's yelling inside at me, "STOP being such a BABY!" .. God, I just need to talk before I explode. (Stupid dramatic teenagers. you know how we are. My dad always tells me "stop acting like a teenager". Im 17. what am I supposed to act like?)
SadGirl is upset... she got very triggered tonight when I read something somewhere, and she realized that something stressful is coming up . She's hard to calm down when she gets like this-- she needs to talk to my therapist. And guess what, therapy isn't until tomorrow afternoon. SadGirl has no sense of "wait." She's 5. she needs the bad stuff to go away NOW. dammit... and she isn't listening to me. Why would she? I'm freaking out just the same.
The holidays are coming up..being around family members who are very triggering and very scary... its extremely hard on SadGirl, it takes weeks to get her ready to go, and then takes her weeks or months to recover from it... I dont know how my therapist handles it every year.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend. I wish there was someone I could just call, and get ahold of, someone I could just..talk to, you know? On my cell phone, there are a bunch of phone numbers saved. They are for doctors and therapists,mainly. Which I can't call, because my therapist doesn't want me paging her anymore...I'm sure she probably has good reasons. The other numbers are for places of work. The people I can actually call to talk to are my mom and my sister. My sister rarely answers the telephone; i almost always get the answering machine, but she doesn't have time to call me back, which is completely understandable, she has got way too much to do and never enough time to do it all. That leaves my mom. If my mom isn't home, that leaves no one to call. And I can't talk about anything real with my mom; we talk about work, the weather, food, superficial things like that. Husband is often at work, and works nights. Which means we aren't home at the same time. I cant call him at work; he has clients and meetings.
Somehow, I am sure that all of this loneliness is all my fault.
My heart hurts... aches. Its like there's this ache inside of me that's an electric current that I can feel deep into my heart, and runs all the way down my arms, it makes my hands ache, my eyes ache, my heart ache.
I want to go away. i wish I wasn't me. I shouldn't be here. i wish i could make this stupid need to have a friend just go away, because I dont think its ever going to happen.
God, I wish I could make all the bad stuff go away for a little bit. I wish I could get away from it.
nb

Posted by pilgrim at 8:30 PM | Comments (1)

November 15, 2004

contrasting personalities

Fear makes me want to crawl away in the darkness and hide, is that the way you feel? (posted by an Anonymous commenter)

Yes...that is how I feel. I don't feel like I can confront my fears (and there are lots of them.) nobody

I can confront some fears. Sometimes I like to be brave, I just need a little pep talk first. Pilgrim

SadGirl's whole self seems to be fear-based. She's afraid of EVERYTHING. But she's learning how to get over her fears with our therapist's help. It seems like when SadGirl learnshow to do something, it helps everyone else.

Missy isn't afraid of anything. That has gotten me into trouble more than once. She walks down a darkened street with a strut and and attitude, while others (like Nobody, for instance) walk own the street with her head down low and afraid to look at anyone.

The Bully likes to make people afraid of HIM. Its certainly worked on the rest of us. And during the years when the Bully was at the front the most, my friends were afraid of me. I'm sad to say that during those years, I (in the loosest sense of the word) was a very mean person. :( My friends were afraid of making me mad at school. I would threaten them, hit them on the arm if they didn't do what I wanted. On the outside, the Bully was in charge, while on the inside, it was just me and Nobody, who were terrified of people, terrified of the Bully, and were hiding deep inside during those years and more than happy to let the Bully have control on the outside.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:07 PM | Comments (2)

November 13, 2004

loneliness and isolation

I wish that I wasn't alone all the time. I am so lonely.
I wish I had a friend to talk to or do something with.
I am always the odd one out. I wish I didn't feel so
completely alone and isolated.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:53 PM | Comments (8)

November 10, 2004

scared, worried

i'm so scared about something. i dont know if i have the ok to write about it here or not though. but something's going on and i'm so scared, it involves my sister and her husband... i am just waiting anxiously to hear from them. i have tried to call her several times in the past couple days and have e mailed too but haven't heard from her. there's something going on with them, but we wont know anything til tomorrow, and i'm so worried and anxious and afraid, it makes me sick to my stomach. i just want to be there with them. sometimes i hate living thousands of miles away.
i see my therapist again tomorrow..
scared. want to be invisible. disappear.
nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 7:26 PM | Comments (0)

November 9, 2004

Therapy is hard

therapy is hard. flashbacks. hiding again

nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 7:16 PM | Comments (5)

November 3, 2004

Arguments over moral dilemmas

There is a lot of commotion tonight. Arguing. Missy,Nobody,me. We have all got too much going on and too many things to say and everyone’s fighting for attention. Everyone is wanting to write and talk but since the thoughts and switching has been going so fast, NOTHING got written tonight.
Wow, that paragraph took a lot of effort.
OK, it all started this afternoon with an argument over the right to eat what we want. Missy arguing that its her “goddamn right to eat whatever I want and that includes animals which were fucking MADE to be eaten!And sometimes I just want to have a freaking hamburger or steak if I want to and by God that is what I’m going to HAVE!” Then me and Nobody getting mad at her and arguing back that we are NOT, under ANY circumstances, eating anything that used to be alive or have a face, because it is just morally WRONG to eat meat, and we are NOT compromising on this position!!
(Which brought up maybe a 10 minute argument on, how are we supposed to decide something like that? How do you decide something like moral dilemmas when you all believe something different, absolutely believe YOU are RIGHT, and yet you are permanently sTuck living with someone who firmly believes the opposite? How are we supposed to SOLVE this one? We thought about asking our nutritionist, since this involves food, but then decided to be nice to her and keep her out of this.) Then Nobody getting more depressed, because really, what IS the solution to stuff like this? When she has to live with Missy who is a bitch, when we can’t even stand her half the time. But then Missy can’t stand us either. And how do you compromise on stuff when you have such different beliefs (from little things to big things--- from what is ok to eat, to discipline methods, to political beliefs [yah well then there are those of you who are like , “whats a president? DUH!], to women’s rights etc etc etc. Each of us is dead-set on what we believe. OK—1 problem--- 1 brain to share.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:55 PM | Comments (0)

October 25, 2004

not here. artwork.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:16 PM | Comments (0)

October 24, 2004

the pull to dissociate is so strong

i want so much to sink down into the inky black darkness of my mind. the land of nothingness where i can escape. i haven't let myself do that today. i've forced myself to stay present all day to make sure I dont cut or anything. the pull to dissociate is so strong but i'm still trying to resist. half the time today i'm wondering why. it'd be easier to let someone else take over and handle it. Carol could handle today better than i could. SadGirl wouldnt have half the stuff on her mind that i do, if she were around. But i'm still making occassional efforts at trying to get stronger, at trying to do things on my own. On Saturday morning, I paid some bills all by myself-- a chore that used to be delegated to Missy alone, because she was the only one who could handle it. Now as long as conditions are just right, I can do the bills for a few minutes all by myself-- which is kinda cool.
But for right now, I just want to give in. I want to disappear back inside my head, where I don't have to think, don't have to be in charge, don't hear what's going on around me, everything becomes a blur, a background, far away.
that is what i want so much right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:54 PM | Comments (1)

struggling to stay safe

just keep moving
dont think
dont feel
i even went to the mall to keep myself distracted.
i HATE shopping
and i hate the mall.

i had no other place to go.
in the other room are razor blades I'm aching to use, but trying so hard to stay away from them too.
I keep them just to feel "safe". SadGirl carries around bits of sharp glass, "just to feel safe."
I dont know why.

Tomorrow I'm taking off work. I have a couple doctor appointments.
Then I see my nutritionist and therapist. Thank God.
Tomorrow's going to be a really hard day. I dont want to be here for it.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:10 PM | Comments (0)

October 23, 2004

trying to keep occuppied

i'm trying hard to remain in constant motion this weekend.
if i sit still, i start to think.
if i start to think, i might start to feel.
if i start to feel, i am probably going to fall apart.
the 2 minutes i sat down today, i picked up something sharp and started cutting my arm with it, before i realized what i was doing and made myself stop, then heard inside my head someone say: "I have a secret you don't know."
I dont want to be here.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:56 PM | Comments (1)

October 15, 2004

Self-injury

i gave up for tonight.
instead of fighting anymore, instead of putting up with anymore crying, i just went ahead and cut.
it calms me down. i tried other things. nothing worked.
it doesnt matter.
at least now the yelling in my head isn't so loud, and even though i dont have any friends or anyone to spend a friday evening with, i know cutting will always calm me down.
stupid. i know its stupid.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:12 PM | Comments (1)

October 5, 2004

withdrawn

Posted by pilgrim at 7:24 PM | Comments (0)

October 4, 2004

quiet

no one feels like saying much.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 19, 2004

Really quiet.

I have been really quiet for several days. (oh who am I kidding? its gotten worse over the past weeks). I am withdrawing more and more, to the point that I dont even want to be around people, because I'm just too afraid to be. Even writing that sounds silly to me. Why in the world would I be afraid of people? Carol and Missy aren't. But sorry, I'm the one around right now, and I'll stay isolated, thank you. I stopped going to the DID group that I used to go to on Saturdays. There were just too many triggers there, and I ended up being too afraid to even be at the front in group. I felt like a freak there and out of the loop, even among people like me. My husband is trying to get me to go visit a lady from church. It was a friendship that I was interested in pursuing last Spring. Now I am just too afraid to. The thought of having to make conversations, or even answer questions, is awful. I'm not comfortable with anyone anymore, except a very few people.This morning at church it was excruciating to even be there. I couldn't make myself sing, I couldn't make myself shake hands with anyone. I feel like I have "HUGE SCREW UP" or something tattoed across my forehead. Or "CRAZY PERSON." or "INSANE." I see people laughing and I just think, "HOW do they DO that?"

Posted by pilgrim at 8:26 PM | Comments (2)

September 5, 2004

Denial again.

This all can't possibly be my life. This can't all be real. I have to be making all this up or something.
This is Pilgrim. None of this is real, right? Its all in my head. Or I'm psychotic, or lying, or overly imaginative. I dont want any of this to be true, all these writings that are here, all the things I hear in my head, all the evidence I have. I want to get away from it all. I feel like such a crazy person. i must just be crazy. Maybe I'm just psycho. And just don't realize it. There cant REALLY be other people, named nobody and Carol and Mae and claire and Tuck and the kids and Missy and...etc.... all in there, right? Maybe i have just been... too stressed out the past few months. ok, 25 years.
today i just want to pretend nothing ever happened.
pretend there was no abuse.
pretend there was no rape.
pretend there was no other stuff.
i just want to pretend, just for today.
i just want to get away from it all.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:52 PM | Comments (1)

August 28, 2004

development of personality

Who's idea was THAT?
a book?
I can see putting together something for myself-- sure. But getting it published? where other people would be able to SEE it? yipes. I dont know about that. THAT'S going to require a lot of discussion before I agree to anything like that.

This afternoon on the Science channel there was a show on about the development of personality. It discusssed how people go through stages, how the maturation of our brain affects our personality throughout our lives. It really makes me wonder. I have ONE brain. Now, I've never had an x-ray taken of my head, and I may be a pretty bright person ;) but I can pretty much guarantee you that there is only 1 brain up there inside my skull. Therefore, 1 set of front lobes, 1 of everything else too.
But then... how come different minds?
How can Mae's personality be so well developed as a 5 year old, who's frontal lobes are CLEARLY not formed much yet?
How can Missy be operating from a moody teenager's point of view?
there are some inside who operate from a much more...primitive...protective area. There are some such as Carol who can think on such a high level (much higher than me)...that she's got to be using much more of my brain than I do. But HOW does that happen? When there really, really, is only 1 brain, only 1 body, only 1 "me"? What happens inside of a plural mind?

These are things that I know are true for me:
I get very, very bad headaches. Especially when someone inside wants out, and I'm trying to stay present. Or if there's a lot of chaos or yelling in my head, and I"m trying to ignore it.
I get sick sometimes.
Carol has never been sick a day in her life. If I'm sick, and Carol comes around, my body feels better instantly. Whatever is wrong with me is instantly gone.
i love to read. I'll read anything. So will Carol.
But Mae has to sound out words that have more than 3 letters, and she thinks being able to write her name by herself is a big deal.
I speak a little bit of spanish. Carol speaks it fluently. Mae is learning enough to say a few words to kids at school.
The boys love steak, hamburgers, and any other kind of meat.
i would not eat meat if my life depended on it. Its just wrong.
Missy is extremely liberal. Carol is extremely conservative. I am somewhere in the middle, i suppose, if I had to pick something I wouldn't be able to.
Missy is very outgoing, sarcastic, bitchy, and mean. Mae is a traumatized child. Tuck is a typical 8 year old boy. (sorry, 8 and a HALF! he says), The Bully is about 9 feet tall and ready to kill me at any time. Claire is a quiet little golden child who never speaks, never interracts with anyone besides her animals who live in her field of flowers. Nobody is constantly suicidal and planning how she will die, what she can do to punish herself, thinking about how the world is better off without her. I would never, ever, ever kill myself--- it is just wrong, and I have far too many things to live for, I can't even understand that kind of thinking.
There is more, and more, and more, and more, and more that I could say here... but I think maybe everyone gets the drift.

This is all so confusing. And I don't think that there are any therapists, psychiatrists, scientists, or mommies with the answers.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:12 PM | Comments (1)

August 26, 2004

aching

still having nightmares every night and still constantly terrified and on edge. feeling hopeless and unwanted and very much alone and unliked. like if i stood in the middle of a room and started to scream, no one would bother looking up. its just nobody. i feel hopeless. buried under tons of memories and guilt and pain and shame. suffocating. one of the inside kids got a package in the mail today from a kind friend. that just made her day to have her own name on a package. wish everyone we dealt with understood how important that is. how important it is to be seen as individuals and treated as such. instead of lumped together under the body named "Pilgrim" and treated the same.... wish everyone would realize that some of us are nothing alike...and dont share the same memories, past, family, or life.... today it just seems like...going to be hopeless forever and alone. not feeling worth anything. off on another planet. i'm always going to be alone. nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 7:47 PM | Comments (1)

August 17, 2004

I dont want to come out.

i'm here too... i just... dont have much to say.
numb. sad. very tired.
dont want to deal.
i want to hide inside myself, so that is what i'm doing. and i dont want to come out.
i just dont want to come out.
pilgrim

Posted by pilgrim at 6:56 PM | Comments (0)

August 14, 2004

We're living separate lives.

Everyone is living such separate lives anymore.
Everyone is fearful.walking lightly on tiptoes. waiting for the damn to break.

Was thinking...
maybe if any readers want to ask questions
we could answer them here on the journal.
if anyone is interested.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:59 AM | Comments (3)

August 10, 2004

Overwhelmed.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:06 PM | Comments (2)

July 31, 2004

a dream about a bus

I'm doing beter. This has been a hectic few days--- someone inside, a little one, has been working hard on trying to figure something out. I'm not sure exactly what, but I know it had to do with real and pretend, and imagination. Its been weighing down on her, not in a bad way, but something on her mind. Whatever it was, she seems to have been resolved a bit more. Yesterday I finally got back to feeling like myself, dissociating less, and actually got some things done. I'm getting ready to go back to work (school starts in a week)-- that gives me a goal to work toward.
I'm trying so hard to get control over things. Be in control of myself, of my life.

Last night I had a dream that I a bus went by my house with no driver in it. It was filled with people-- especially children. Everything was chaotic in there, and they needed a driver. I had no choice but to get on the bus and try to drive it.
The thing was, I never drove a bus before. Sure, I thought, I can drive, but a bus is big, and awkward, and takes up a lot more space on the road, and I dont know if i can drive a bus.
In my dream I was sitting halfway back on the bus (the steering wheel was about 6 seats back) and I was trying to drive. The kids were all yelling, adults were getting in the way. Some were giving me advice on how to drive the bus. I tried sitting in different places on the bus to drive, in the back and in the middle and on the top, but nothing was working, not with everyone getting up and running around on the bus and shouting and being in the way.
The bus was going all over the road, and I was getting exhausted.
We finally stopped at a school in my dream. I got off the bus and took a breather. Thankfully, someone else, the real bus driver, was on there when I got back. Turns out I was just supposed to be a STUDENT on the bus, NOT the driver! Thank God! The driver was someone who actually KNEW what to do.

i am trying to figure out what I can learn from my dream. it feels that somehow it applies to my life.It makes sense that things on the bus (my mind) won't go the right direction until everyone starts calming down and working together) and wouldn't it be nice if i was not supposed to be the driver of this bus?

Posted by pilgrim at 7:49 AM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2004

My site on dissociative disorders.

http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php 

Posted by pilgrim at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)

July 2, 2004

Trying to get back on track.

I haven't been having the best of weeks.
Dissociating a LOT. I am not sure what I've been doing. I know that at least part of the time, I've been busy helping run the new forum for dissociative disorders. I finally made it to therapy yesterday, and one of the little ones got the chance to talk with my therapist, that seemed to help a bit. Then I went to see my psychiatrist. Today I went to see my psychologist. I am FINALLY done with all that testing, I think. FINALLY. I dont even want to talk about it today. I am just done.
I've been so lonely this week. Things have been desperate. Its been insane inside my head. I'm trying to get back on track this afternoon. I actually just invited one of my friends over! And she is coming over for a little while to visit. I am so glad about that. I haven't had a friend over in 6 months.

i'm trying so hard to get my own life straighened out.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:35 PM | Comments (1)

June 29, 2004

Not functioning very well

too much pain.
I've been having almost constant flashbacks and dissociating a LOT.
didnt even go to work today.
desperate to talk to someone, but there isn't anyone to talk to.
everything hurts too much to say more.
i am just incredibly alone. just alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:58 PM | Comments (2)

June 28, 2004

Mae's hard day.

Monday night
I am not sure what happened today. I am really mixed up still.
I cant figure out whats been going on today. I think I’ve been really spaced out.
Mae--- crying all day with horrendous flashbacks that made her AND me sick and wanting to throw up. Cutting with pieces of mirror. There was a storm…?? This morning?? Not sure how I got through work, that’s… a blur.
Someone must have handled it for me…I guess.
I was really having a hard day, didn’t want him to think any of it had to do with him. But Mae was there too… or someone was, anyway, just not me, because someone else was talking to my husband, while I sat back and watched from far away because I just couldn’t handle anything.
I’m so confused. Mae’s been crying and screaming and I’ve been crying and …??? The animals. And about their eyes and being hurt. And Mae crying over and over that we said she could talk to my therapist on MONDAY. I keep telling her I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to say, I’m just sorry, I’m doing things wrong, I told her I’m trying to help but I don’t know what to do, I want to help but I don’t know how. And she was cutting with scissors sometime today? I think it was after supper. Or…heck I don’t know.
She made a collage and I don’t know what else.
Then she must have fallen asleep from crying. I woke up at 9:45 p.m. trying to figure out what was going on and I didn’t know where I was but I had cuts on my wrist and Mae’s collage in front of me.
It was really weird because for a few moments it was like me, Mae, and someone else (don’t know who?) we re all present at the same time (that was THE WEIRDEST FEELING) and seeing who was going to take over… that was so strange… but I was so out of it. I didn’t know how much time had passed but I guess it was quite a few hours, I am too confused. For some of that time I was asleep.
I’m in a daze still trying to figure out my day I don’t know maybe I don’t want to know.
I know this morning I was telling you about the screen I could see Mae’s flashbacks on. I think that is the last thing I knew was going on. I was still sitting in the chair in my therapist's office though. I guess a lot of things must have happened though because its now 11:40 at night.
And theres notes from Mae and a collage and …. I just know I have been having a really bad day.

Guess I could spend all night trying to figure out what happened today but that wont get me anywhere.
Fog in my head is heavy today I guess.
I’m trying to think of what to do for Mae and nothing comes to mind. Its too close. Too close.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:14 PM | Comments (0)

June 24, 2004

Privacy and fears

I went to therapy again this morning. I feel a little better, although I'm not sure why. Yesterday we talked about hard stuff, and my therapist wanted me to be able to go 24 hours without doing any self-injury or eating disorder behaviors. I didn't manage to do it. :( I made it until 1:00 in the morning though. Thats got to count for something. She knew right away this morning when I went in there. She asked me how much self injury I did last night. "How did you know?" I asked her. (for heavens sake, I had long sleeves on, no bandaids or anything!) "Because I know you so well."
ARGhhh. Thats true.
I cannot lie to my therapist. At all. I don't know if its her face or if its because I know she doesn't lie to me, or what. But I cannot lie to her. So I also confessed to taking diuretics the past 2 nights as well.

*hide*

Well I've been doing recovery for 6 months now and I'm going to work very hard to not do these behaviors again.
The hard thing is that I have parts of me who are not in recovery. The one who calls herself Nobody is still very definitely anorexic, and so is the one who is referred to as Fat Girl. Thankfully, they don't show theMissylves very often. I've been trying so hard to get behaviors under control. I dont like it when things happen that are out of my control.

I also do not like that they have invaded my diary here. This was supposed to be PRIVATE. MY diary, for me, Pilgrim. Not for Missy, or Mae, or Nobody to write in. It was supposed to be for PILGRIM ONLY. Its like they have no concept of privacy. :(

On a semi-related note...
I dont know if I've ever told anyone in my life my biggest fear.
I am so afraid of getting in trouble for accidently doing something wrong, or another part of me doing something wrong and me not knowing about it. But then me getting in trouble for it. It scares me so much to know that so much goes on that I dont know about. I have always, ever since I was little, been so afraid of getting in trouble for doing something I didn't realize I did. I am still so afraid of it. I would be on trial for something I don't remember, don't even know about, and have no way to defend myself. Yet, I would have to take responsibility. It'd be the only responsible thing to do. Heck, I could easily get framed. Someone can tell me I did something and I'm like "Oh, I did. Weird, I don't remember that..." But i would assume it was just Missy, or Carol, or Mae, or another part of me that did it.
If any of them did something wrong, i would still need to pay the price for it. It'd be the right thing to do.
But it just scares me so much. What if someday, Mae steals something, like a sucker or a sparkley bracelet? She's 5 and might not realize that's wrong, but I'm 31 and I would have to be held responsible. What if...what if...what if....
it just scares me.
I want so much to get my life under control. I am so afraid of things happening that I dont know about.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:34 AM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2004

Piecing together the last year

I have been combing through things on my computer, and various message boards, tonight. Desperate to try to piece together where I've been the last year or so and what I've been doing. I was thinking just the past 6 months or so, then I realized, its June. So I have to go farther back, 9 months maybe. Then I realize, I dont remember much of last fall at all. I can remember taking my class on a field trip to the Zoo at the beginning of October, and that's about it.
The rest is a blur.
A blur of nightmares, feeling unreal, being out of my body, floating away, missing conversations, and not knowing what in the world is going on.
I will post some of it here in my diary in just a little bit.
I'm still trying to stick a few things together first.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:12 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2004

Want to piece things together

This is Pilgrim again. I see that miss priss got her opinion in here yesterday.
I dont want to go to work today. I'd rather stay home, because I want to devote some time to piecing the past year together. I don't have very many memories of the past 9 or 10 months, and I know that I wasn't around much, especially from November to March or so. I'm trying to look for things i've written, or that the others have written, so i can find out what I've been doing this year. I am so tired of having such blank spots.
I do know that C**** was the one around in the winter, and that she wrote about how she'd "inherited a life that wasn't hers."
Tomorrow I'm going to ask my therapist if she can help me piece some things together also. I want to know what I've been doing. I want to know what I've been saying. I don't like having so many holes.
On the positive side, this week marks 6 months that I've been in recovery from an eating disorder.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)

June 21, 2004

I'm not like them. This is Missy.

This is not Pilgrim. You could think of me as Pilgrim's evil twin. But I hope you won't,
1. Because I dont look like her.
2. I'm not evil (just called bitchy, which I'm NOT, I am just opinionated and outspoken, call things as I see them).
3. I'm not related to her except that I'm sTuck in the same body.

I went to therapy today. I saved their butt this weekend, handling everything including Fathers Day, and had in interesting time in therapy this morning. The therapist knows me. I just don't show up much. Got better things to do with my time. We had an interesting discussion.

What I want people to know is that I AM NOT LIKE THEM. By some bizarre twist of fate, I've ended up in the same body, but I share nothing else.
They've got quite a few mental illnesses going on in their brain; I am a completely functioning teenager and fully capable of running my life well. Which I do. They've got too many problems. What I'd love is for all of them to shut up and move on with their lives, instead of crying over flashbacks and memories. I maintain the point of view that nothing ever happened and thus there is nothing to be traumatized about. Whatever their problem is, they need to get over it.

Just an opinion from me, the one who gets called "the bitch". One of them will probably see this and freak out, because they are so predictable, you see. I'm so sick of them and their problems. I want out of this setup.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:14 PM | Comments (0)

June 18, 2004

shut down

no feelings. none. fathers day is sunday. cannot handle it. cannot get away from the advertisements and movies. turn the channel. turn off the radio. turn off my heart. ignore everyone inside. nothing. if any feelings were allowed this weekend i would self-destruct. i feel nothing. buried in work all day. buried in reading books for work. buried in making things for school. that is it. no time for feelings. no time for them to talk. those inside can just shut up. i refuse to listen.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:32 PM | Comments (1)

June 16, 2004

a Dream

Last night I had a dream that was soooo nice... I dreamed that my friend, the one I wrote about earlier who dumped me back in January, called me.
She started talking to me on the phone just like everything was okay again, picking up right where we left off. Since time gets sort of odd anyway, this kind of thing is normal in my life, that people can seem to change out of nowhere, because time has passed and I don't realize it.
But in this dream last night, my friend called me, and we were talking and I kept telling myself, "I must be dreaming this time, am I?" I kept testing to see if I was awake, but I was aware of being awake (in my dream!) It was so wonderful for that few minutes.... I was on the phone with a friend. I was not lonely. I was a real person. I had someone call me, and want to talk to me, and... it was so good just to not be lonely. It seemed to good to be true. But my dream seemed so REAL... and it felt so good for a few minutes.
Then I really did wake up. And realized that I had been tricked.
It had been so good in my dream, to just not be so desperate for a few minutes, to have things be okay.
i want that to be reality. i am trying so hard to make things real like that. not just in my dreams.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:50 PM | Comments (0)

June 15, 2004

still working

Been working all evening (about 6 hours) on this stuff.
I'm exhausted. I wish I had someone that I could just...
forget it.
There's no point in wishing.
I am so lonely.
.
.
..
...
..
.
.
feel myself fading away
thots slow down
aware my speilings messed up
getingg farther away
this is how it ha[ppens.

my voise is an eko
all speld rong
Mae coming

Posted by pilgrim at 9:44 PM | Comments (0)

June 13, 2004

Today my view is different-- denial

Today, I'm one of the nonbelievers. Today I'm back in denial.
I don't know why I get like this. Maybe its just where I need to be for today. Maybe its because writing that letter to the others last night made me feel too raw, too vulnerable, too guilty.
Today I want to deny their very existance.
Today I want to say, I'm just hearing my own voice in my head.
Today I just want to say, well I just get in these moods, you know? Everyone has moods... everyone acts differently in different situations. (never mind that my moods also have their own moods, their own lives, thoughts, and opinions, and ways of being.)
Today I want to say, this thing is supposed to be RARE.
That means, it doesn't happen to ME.
Today I want to ignore the tons and years of evidence I have.
Today I want to forget about the fact when I try to ignore them and deny them, that they always do something big to get my attention and prove their existence (such as put a knife through my hand.)
Today I just want silence.
Today I just want to be like everyone else. I just want to have a friend to hang out with. I want to just do whatever I want, instead of having to plan around what a bunch of internal kids want. Today I feel like sleeping, or just reading one of my books...instead of making time for them to color, to swing, to read a childrens book, and whatever else comes to their minds. I dont want to have to help when the littler ones have flashbacks, when the depressed ones talk about terrible things they remember.
Today I just want to be selfish.
I just want to be me.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:36 PM | Comments (0)

June 12, 2004

A letter to those inside.

(or, where I eat crow... to say I'm sorry for the way I have treated the others inside.)

To everyone
From Pilgrim
I heard what M talked about with S (therapist) the other day (most of it, anyway, )… I heard what Nobody talked about with my sister last night about me making fun of her (when I discount your feelings and say to ignore you).
So Im going to write this to everybody and see if this helps.
I feel a little silly. But I’m just going to have to feel silly for right now.
I will do better.
M you think I m not around when you talk and when you have memories. That is partly true. I do try to avoid the things you talk about, because I dont want to remember, and because some of the things you remember I just REALLY dont remember , and because youre so open and honest and that just scares me. Youre a lot stronger than I am. I want you to keep talking. You get out what you need to, and Ill do my best to listen. Even when you think Im not around, Ill be around somewhere. I wont leave. Im not going to go anywhere. Im bigger now and I know how to keep myself safe, my body is bigger and I know some tricks about how to stay safe. Its ok to talk to S. And when you get home you can draw your pictures that you need to and keep talking if you need to. And weve got your tent set up in the bedrooom that you can go inside if you need to feel safer and we will keep your coloring books and stuffed animals nearby and your blanket. I will figure out a way to show you that I'm around when you're in S's office talking about scary stuff.
Nobody. sorry. I know I say a lot oh just ignore her. I shouldnt do that. I will try harder not to. You know that we were just never, ever allowed to admit to being hurt or show any sadness or anything and I still think that things have to be that way. I need to remember that dad isnt here. And that theres a different set of rules in our house now and a different set of rules in Ss office. You can talk to S about what you need to. And to other people if you need to. And I will do my best to let you feel what you need to feel and quit denying your feelings and listen better .Ill just try harder. Its hard to put into words.
I dont like you much. I think because you scare me. There is so much pain that I cant face. Maybe if I could learn to face some of it, you wouldn't have to carry so much.
To everyone else
I keep denying that youre real and I know that causes a big problem. This is really hard for me to deal with. Im trying to work with this issue on my own and that makes it complicated. I know its dumb that Im still almost waiting for what Dr B says before I think ok, its all right now to believe that youre real. I know that it doesn’t really matter what Dr. B or Ss or Ts opinion is. You guys know you’re real and you get upset with me when I try to say that you’re not. Im trying to figure this out. Some days I believe and some days I dont. Some days I like it when you all leave me alone, and some days I really like it when I can hear you saying hi to me in the mornings, when I wake up and yall are already in the middle of a discussion. And some days I just feel a little crazy. I’m sorry that this is taking me a long time to figure out. I really do want to do better. I will try lots harder to listen and to figure out what you all need from me.
Pilgrim

Posted by pilgrim at 8:54 PM | Comments (1)

My responsibility

I need to do a better job of coping with things. This is just a fact.
I can't keep dissociating and letting the others do it...although I wish I could.
But that's the easy way out.
Things get rough, or emotional, or too stressful, or triggering--- and off I go to...(to where?)....to....anywherebuthere.. And I find myself dealing with life as a 5 year old, or a 17 year old named Nobody, or a 12 year old, or a host of others. I guess its my way to escape, to give myself a break from things I can't handle.
But I need to stop that.
I need to remember that I'm not in abusive situations anymore. I'm not powerless (even though sometimes it feels that way.). I have choices I can make. I don't need to escape anymore.
Dissociating may have been needed back then, back in my childhood and teens and even my 20's, but...now I'm a little older... I need to learn to live as myself.
I'm trying to learn how.
During the school year I was too stressed out, too busy, and had to many things going on, to work much on this---this big, bad, scary issue. I don't even remember much of November to February...come to think of it, I don't remember March either...
But now its summer vacation.
Time to get to work.
Time to take advantage of this opportunity.
By the time summer started 2 weeks ago, I was ready: armed with notebooks, organizers, a knapsack (does anyone say knapsack anymore?), markers,clay, PaintShop Pro, and a bunch of other craft supplies, I've been spending my days of summer letting the others get their voices out, letting theMissylves be heard, letting them express theMissylves. Hence the picture last night of Nobody's sculpture.
I think that if I can let them express theMissylves, maybe that will help.
I'm also trying to increase communication between us by everyone writing notes in the notebook.
My therapist has been giving me assignments to do (hard ones!) to write about.
I am trying so.freaking.hard.
i hope this works.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:56 AM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2004

I want to connect with people.

My heart aches to connect with people today, to be able to talk to someone... i hate being so alone.
nobody.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:46 PM | Comments (0)

June 9, 2004

Sometimes I wish i could go inpatient.

This is a really, really hard night for me. I'm fighting as hard as I can to stay present. Its so difficult though-- I keep feeling like I'm being sucked down a tunnel, through a vacuum. Having a lot of flashbacks tonight, of things from the past that still seem so real. A couple little ones inside are so upset, and keep coming up to the front, taking over, long enough to draw pictures of their memories, write notes that say things like "Plese stop". I get sucked into this blackness in the back of my mind when they take over and I hate it. I hate feeling them so close. My stomach hurts, my head is pounding, my throat is hurting, because theirs is, in their memories, of whatever happened. My hands hurt, but I have no idea why . Its like my hands are on fire, but I dont know what causes it, just that the little ones are having trouble. Sitting here typing is a huge task.
Everything in me wants to allow myself to sink back into the black fog, to give in and let one of the others take over completely tonight. I'm so tired and overwhelmed. But I'm not supposed to let myself do that. I have to fight it, supposedly in the name of progress. Plus, I'm afraid of what the little ones do when they're completely on their own.
One particular little one--- she will not.stop.crying. She. screams. I can't figure out exactly why, and I don't know what to do with her. I try to talk with her, but she can't talk back to me very well. Or maybe she's trying, but I dont understand. I just dont know.
I just...dont know.

sometimes i wish i could just give in. i wish i could just go inpatient. i sent away for information from one place that looks really good , and they sent me info about their program, and i heard great things about. but i doubt i can afford it. and even if i only stayed 2 weeks, my family might find out. and they MUST not find out-- this is not an option.
sometimes i wish i could just drop the little one off somewhere, leave her with people who are capable of helping her. because i am so confused and tired sometimes. sometimes i wish i could just give in. go somewhere and check myself in. tonight is one of those nights. But I dont really consider it an option for myself. I am supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to handle things on my own. I have too much to do for work, for my students, for my family. And of course there's the problem of money, which teachers dont make enough of and treatment centers want too much of.

I'm just worn out tonight. Because for hours and hours now I've been listening to an inside 5 year old cry, and she won't talk to me, and I'm at a loss of how to help. And somehow I have to make it through until I can get to therapy tomorrow afternoon.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:40 PM | Comments (2)

June 7, 2004

I want to get away from it all

This is one of those days when I JUST WANT THEM TO Go AWAY. I want them out of my head-- now. I'm sick of them hanging around. I'm sick of the chaos these other inside people cause in my life. Right now, I dont even like ANY of them.

my therapist said something that made me think she doesn't believe this whole "multiple personalities" thing. Something about how when she gets up to give a talk, her gestures and voice change and she acts differently than if she were comforting a sick child, and something about how maybe thats how things can seem like multiple personalities. (My thinking was--- you just THINK you have this-- its your imagination, Pilgrim, because you are just that screwed up.)

I closed my eyes and listened to the arguing that started inside. "Oh god, here we go again," i was thinking. "Oh she doesn't think I'm real? I'll show her who's real" (obstinate teenager voice) "but what did i do does that mean her doesnt like me all of a sudden but i know I'm real so did i do something wrong?" (crying 5 year old). I faded away and am not sure what happened after that for a little while

No, no, and no. Multiple personalities ISNT "oh, sometimes I feel like such a different person." It isn't "well at work I act this way, and at home I act like this." It isn't a "sometimes I can be so loud and outgoing with my friends, but geesh if I have to give a presentation or something, I just freeze and become quiet as a mouse!" No, no, and no.
That isn't it at all. That would be called being normal.

Today I just wanted to get away from it. My mind-- its overloaded.
This evening some odd things happened-- a little inside one decided she needed a box--- NOW-- she absolutely HAD to have a box. I have no idea why. All I knew was that I found myself at the store, watching from a back seat as this little one frantically searched around the store for her BOX and telling me over and over "you don't understand!" (I don't understand WHAT?) "you dont understand!" Trying to have a reasonable conversation with a panicky 5 year old is impossible.

Well, she found, apparently, the right kind of box, and I went home. I now have a small children's pop-up tent in my bedroom, and all I know is that getting it calmed her down a little bit, she's got a "box" to sit in, or whatever she's planning to do to it.

Let.me.out.of.here.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:43 PM | Comments (2)

June 5, 2004

Trying to work together

For the longest time, no one worked together. Everything's been chaotic for such a long time, with insiders not knowing about each other, one person not knowing what others were doing. I've had months filled with "fog", where I couldn't be sure of what was going on. That is one of the hardest challenges of this disorder: taking responsibility. Someone inside, who may be a child who doesn't understand how to act in public, might do something, without my awareness of it. But then later I find out about it, and I still have to take responsibility for it, since someone in MY body did or said something wrong...even if I dont know what happened... its like I have to take it on and fix it. I have to still do the right thing. And the right thing is to take responsibility for whatever I or my inside parts do. And sometimes that is such a pain. Because we're all so different... such different personalities, with such different likes and dislikes, such different views on the world, seeing the world through various filters. But I've made up my mind that--whatever they do, we all as a group take responsibility for it. Thus I've found myself apologizing for things that I don't remember, fixing situations that I know I didn't cause...but its all about trying to work together as a team.
Just today, some of us decided to work together on a "contract"-- we're still trying to decide who does what, and when, and how to cooperate with each other. It gets so complicated-- too many minds in one body, and there's never enough time in the day. Its easy to forget, that the adult insiders can't go to the grocery store while the kids stay home and paint and while the boys to go the creek. Its hard to remember--- the body can only go ONE PLACE AT ONCE.
So--the topic of time management has always been a biggie. But its starting to get better. Just today there's been some bargaining for time, a "I'll do this, if you let me do this" sort of thing. Its something we've all got to come to agreement with. Its really hard to work out. Everyone has different interests and opinions. Some people don't mind sharing their day with another insider. Some want time completely to theMissylves.
All I want is for things to be peaceful inside. For everyone to work together and get along. Thats my main goal for this summer. I'm so tired of always being in the middle of one crisis or another, I'm tired of losing time, I'm tired of forgetting things constantly, of never knowing where I am or who I am. I need for things to get better.
And I need to be the one that makes that happen.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:21 PM | Comments (1)

Where do I start?

Where can I start with the story of my journey... it is a long and confusing one... that I wish more people would understand.
Do I start with myself? Do I start with my history? Or my reaction to it? Do I start with the present?

I'm currently going through a lot of testing with a psychologist. She wants to see if I have dissociative identity disorder,DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality disorder. I've been in therapy with a great therapist for 4 years already, and we figured its about time we got some real answers as to what the real problem is.
However... it doesn't matter what the tests say. It doesn't matter what my therapist, or husband, or friends believe...
This has been a long journey inside to learn the truth. No one can get inside my mind, no one sees and hears what I do.
I have people living inside my mind. Other personalities. That have different names, that think of theMissylves as separate people, with their own thoughts, beliefs, and views on the world.
I do not want to.
I did not invent this.
I would get out of this if I could.
Yet here I am, no matter what the psychologists or therapist or tests say, in the middle of my journey.

My name is Pilgrim.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:57 AM | Comments (0)