Pilgrim's Journey

Article on Suddenly Losing Your Therapist

Kathy Broady, a great therapist who treats trauma and DID, has written an excellent article on her blog, Discussing Dissociation, about "Suddenly Losing Your Therapist" and the impact it has.
She's written it so well that there's not much we can add too it except to say that yep, its completely devastating, and that I'm saddened to learn that apparently there's more people than just Sharon that do this to their clients :(
What an earthquake this sudden termination leaves in its wake... it leaves such ruin behind that a therapist or even family members or friends cannot possibly comprehend. But please, read the article, and the comments. And please, read all of Kathy's blog. She has a lot of good things to say.
The article is here: http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/when-you-suddenly-lose-your-therapist/#comments

Halloween

I can't wait til Halloween is over. Really. Its a hard "holiday." There's nothing fun about it, just yucky stuff. That's all I can really say about that....

Psalm 91

Last night I watched some of the news before I fell asleep. I rarely ever do. It was disturbing. In 15 minutes, the reports were all about how many people in Texas have died of swine flu this week, how many troops died in Iraq recently, a child that died in an accident, a child that may die because of abuse, and more talk of war.
Rotten stuff.
I closed my eyes and said to God, "Lord, this world is so depressing sometimes. It feels so unsafe."
Immediately I heard that still, soft voice in my head: "Read Psalm 91."
So I picked up my Bible, and hear is what I read (with my thoughts added.)

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence. (like swine flu)

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day, (like wars,guns,and soldiers)

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday. (there's swine flu again)

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you. (God will keep me safe in this unsafe world.)

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent. (my house is safe because I trust the Lord)

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent. (I will overcome the evil one because of the Lord)

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him. (I can feel safe, because I call on God;He is faithful)

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

I felt so much better after reading that, especially since I believed that it was God who whispered in my ear to read those particular words of His. The world may be unsafe, there may be wars, plagues, and even death around me. But I believe the Lord will protect me.
Even last week, I was in a car accident. My car was SMUSHED. But I escaped with just some aches, pains, and minor injuries. It could have been much worse. I know God had sent his angels to protect me.
God is someone you can count on to protect you. If you feel unsafe and scared, call on Him. He and Jesus are right there waiting to wrap their arms around you.

Going to try again

Well, maybe the 8th time will be the charm....
I'm going to try going to a new therapist tomorrow...again.
On a whim, I asked some friends for a recommendation and they gave me her name. She is an expert on DID and trauma who's been working with DID for over 20 years. So I e-mailed her, and she said she can see me tomorrow. Its a 45 minute drive. But, maybe it'll be worth it. I can't really afford it, but, maybe if I just went once in a while. We'll see. If she's good, maybe we'll go back. I'm trying really hard to be brave. Mae is having a really hard time with it. Last night she just cried and cried once we got in bed and said that no one asked for HER opinion--she only wants Sharon. Of course I only want Sharon too...but I also want someone to help me get over Sharon and what she did. I want someone to help all of us get over the trauma that Sharon caused by leaving us so suddenly and screwing up our mind so badly. I am scared but I also just really hope this works out. And part of me thinks I must be so dumb to put myself in this position of vulnerability yet again.

BTW, someone made a comment about me "acting" mentally ill and how come I don't get fired at work. I do not act mentally ill. Nor AM I mentally ill. I just happen to have DID. I am a completely functioning person and I happen to be a fantastic teacher, a fantastic nanny, and I'm really good at ANY job I have held over the years. We have different alters for different jobs. No other alters usually come out at work. Its not like in the classroom we'd be switching personalities and acting like a child or crying or breaking down. On the job we are normal adults. If you don't know me, which you don't, don't accuse me of acting a certain way. Thanks.

As far as using "we" and "I" and "us" and "me" sometimes, there are times when I/we write that there is more than 1 person present.. Sometimes 2 of us are here at once writing and we'll write We/us. Sometims just 1 person is here and I'll write I/me. Its called co-consciousness. And THATS not mentall illness either.

DID is a highly creative way of coping. People with DID are usually highly creative and highly intelligent with a lot of gifts.

For more info in general, see abuseconsultants.com as another resource.

Update

I am still having dreams about Sharon and I wish they'd stop. I'm still having them about 3 times a week. It makes it hard to get her off my mind. I still think about what happened, a lot. A lot more than I should. I try not to think about what happened, because it still stings so much. Makes my heart ache. Whenever I catch myself thinking about Sharon, I try to start thinking about something else. But the feelings of rejection and worthlessness still pop up a lot. I wish so much I could find a good counselor to help me get over this. The 7 people that I tried last year were SO bad. I don't have it in me to try again, at least right now. I pray about this a lot-- that God will arrange for some good help to come along. Something that I can afford and something that will fit in my busy work schedule. So far, nothing.

And I just really need a friend, a real friend. I need someone to talk to and hang out wish so badly. A lot of people write to me here through Health diaries offering to be friends. I've discovered though that what they REALLY mean is that they want to have a friend with DID to see what its like. Then they often join my forum (AMJ) and become friends with the members there who have DID, and then they forget about me. Its happened too many times to count.
What I really, really want is someone who wants to be friends with ME, someone who wants to get to know ME....and then if they happen to find out that I have DID, it doesn't really matter to them. I keep praying about that too.

Maybe someday. I hope.

I am a New Creation

I was listening to Joyce Meyer's CD set on Total Transformation the other day, and one part just struck me like a lightning bolt. I ended up listening to the same sentence she said at least 5 or 6 times to make sure I heard it right, until a little lightbulb went off in my head. And I hope that I can repeat it here correctly, because I really want to make sure that other people understand it too:
When I became a Christian, the OLD ME died with Christ. I am now a new Creation, who is daily having my mind and spirit renewed by God.
That old me-the one who was hurt, abused, neglected, forgotten about, lied to, hurt in so many ways-- is gone. That is the old me, who died with Christ on the Cross. That old me no longer exists. I do not need to carry her pain, her memories, her aches, her anger/loss/grief/ depression/ fears any longer. Christ took care of her already. She has been made into a new Creation. One who has a hope and a future. Someone who is completely loved by God. Someone who is completely accepted and cared about. The past is gone-as far as the east is from the west. That old, hurt person is gone. God has made me into a new creation- someone he is making into a happy, free, and loved child of His. I may not be totally "there" yet every day in every way, and some days I may be farther along than others, but I'm definitely not where I used to be, thank God-- and I'm definitely on my way.
Just something I wanted to pass along.
For more of Joyce Meyer's incredible CD resources, I'd recommend Where the Mind Goes the Man Follows, The Battlefield of the Mind, & Total Transformation

About Comments and E-mails

I'd like to take just a minute to thank every one of you who takes the time to write me e-mails and comments. In the years that we've been writing Pilgrim's Journey, we have received literally HUNDREDS of comments and e-mails about the impact that this simple journal has had on you. Thank you so much for letting me know. Even though I don't always have time to get back to each and every one of you, please know that I read every e-mail that I receive and am thankful for the good and kind things you have to say. I appreciate it when you tell me your stories. Those are things I don't take lightly. Sometimes I don't know what to say back. Sometimes I just write you a thank you. But please know that one of us always reads them.

It does not say here on the home page but our e-mail address has changed to freeforfaith@yahoo.com. Also you can follow me on twitter at JustPilgrim.

As for those of you who write snarky, spammy comments and say stupid things intended to hurt our feelings, you can rest assured that they get immediately deleted and have no impact on my life whatsoever so you can feel free to stop any time. All I happen to do is laugh at how stupid/silly/idiotic you sound, and then I delete. Occassionally I pray for you, but honestly, that's rare. Mostly I just laugh at how stupid the spam or hateful e-mails are. So you can feel free to give that up any time. They won't EVER show up on this journal for anyone else to see.

For those of you who write kind things and share your stories---thank you-- we appreciate it. Feel free to keep it up :)

"I Love You"

I don't know about you, but I am a sucker for these words when it comes to children.
This morning I was on the phone with my sister (who lives far away) when she dropped my niece at school. I was on speakerphone and told my niece, "I love you! Have a great day at school!" and my niece yelled back, "I love you too!" Then my 3 year old nephew yelled, "I love you too, ____!"
Oh, man, my heart. Instantaneous jell-o.
I don't know what it is about those 3 words and children. I go from a strong woman of God to a blubbering mass of nothing when a child says I loves you, gives me a kiss, or gives me a hug. Its really rather pitiful.
I can see it now: my niece will be 16 years old, borrow my car, have an accident, and smash it into bits, but she comes to me and says "I wrecked your car--but, I love you!" And I'll stand there with a doofus-y grin on my face and stars in my eyes saying, "Ohhh baby girl, I love you TOOOO!!!!"
Sad.
Or maybe just, enamored.
One day several years ago I was teaching math to a particularly wonderful pre-K class I had when a child who had been in my room for 3 years raised his hand. This was a child who had caused me endless problems. We had literally had to wrestle him to teach him to sit in a chair, he had yelled profanities at me, and he was a frequent flier in the time out chair for hitting & biting other students. He was often whining, complain-y, and moan-y.
But this day during math he raised his hand. "Yes, M___?"
"Mrs. P, I love you," he said, and came up to give me a hug. Out of nowhere.
Oh my GOSH. "Oh honey, I love you too, " I replied.
Math time totally stopped while the rest of the class felt obliged to come up and give me hugs and "I love you too's." Which of course, left me in a pile of jell-o-y, share-the-l0ve-let's-stop-math-and-do-something-more-fun mode.
I'm just a sucker that way, I guess. If someone loves me, especially a child, I want to just soak it in. Stop and let my heart be filled up. Take a break from all the harsh things going on in the world and share the love.

Do you ever wonder if God is like that too? For He,too, is enamored with us. And most of the time we, his children, come to him with complaints and requests and in whine & groan mode (as do our own children, right?) Do you ever wonder if when we come to God simply with an "I love you" He ever just stops what He's doing and lets his heart turn to jell-o and stops to soak it up?
Ever wonder if sometimes its good to stop asking God for things and just stop and say, "Hey, thanks for just being You, and by the way, I love you!"
How about right now?

To See

Ever lived life with your eyes closed? Ever become aware that you're doing that, but been content to stay that way? Safer, that may be.
Safer, but it gets boring after a while. Leaves you hanging, wondering, "what if?"
Every started to ponder, if i opened my eyes a little I wonder what I'd see?
Scarier, but the possibility of adventure is there.
Sometimes the Lord opens our eyes. Sometimes life's tragic events open our eyes. Maybe a little of both or neither or a combination of other things.
The past few months my eyes have been opening a bit here and there.
Sometimes on places I didn't even know my eyes were closed.
Ever been like that? Your eyes open and you realize, "Ohhh.... I had no idea."
You see things with a new view. A new perspective.
You realize that you've outgrown something. Or you are ready to move into something else.
Or maybe, you are ready to stay where you are for a little while longer.
The point is, though, that you finally SEE.
You finally see.

I have been taking a lot of risks lately. God has been opening my eyes on some things. Although I still have far, far to go, some things I see with new eyes. In some things, I decide to stay a little longer. In some things I decide to change my viewpoint. Sometimes when I open my eyes I realize I have already been changed, already have moved on--without realizing it. That is always a little odd-sort of a "whoa, how did I get here?" sort of feeling. Sometimes taking risks now is a lot easier than it used to be. "Oh this? This is no problem now. Used to scare me out of my pants, but now it's old hat." Sometimes the risks still take my breath away. Sometimes I still cannot find my way out of a paperbag.

But the point is, I still now see. I no longer hold my eyes shut tight. I have become willing to open them. At least I now SEE.

Follow me on Twitter: JustPilgrim
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Alternatives to Self-Injury

Its been about a year since I last cut, but I still want to sometimes when I get upset (thankfully, its rare these days...of course, my emotions are numb all the time pretty much since I lost sharon. but thats another thread.)

ANYWAY--- I have found something that is like WOW!!! such a good substitute for cutting...

The other day I got one of those Epilady things-- you know those hair-remover deals that "pulls" the hair out of your legs instead of shaving. Holy cow! OUCH! But the thing is-- although it stung on my legs-- here's the deal-- it feels like a razor blade on my arms.

IF You are a cutter who needs to feel that "sting" and that cutting feeling from cutting-- if that is what provides the release for you-- then I'd recommend an Epilady/thingy. It may become your next obsession, but having hairless arms/ legs is a LOT better than having scarred up arms/ legs.

Now, if you are the type of person who gets release/ relief from cutting by seeing the blood instead, the epilady won't work for you. Instead, try dripping red food color or slightly watered down red tempera paint on your arms. It feels like blood, looks like blood, and will wash off. This gives you the feeling and the visual relief.

Of course, if you need BOTH-- do the epilady thing AND the food color.

Anyway, I just thought I'd give you the idea of what I found out helps. Its been a long, long time since I had to do the dripping food color/paint thing since I've finally gotten away from needing the visual part of the cutting, but sometimes I still need to FEEL like I've cut to get those feelings out since I don't have anyone to talk to about all the things we keep bottled up inside. Now I will probably end up being completely hair-free but at least I won't be cutting for real.

Kids Say the Darndest Things...

Ohhhh brother

The other night my husband came home from the grocery store and brought me one of those cute little Ring Pop suckers as a surprise (if you don't have them outside the States, they are little rings that fit around your finger, and the lolly/sucker is a large flavored "diamond" that you put in your mouth to suck on).
Well, it was shiny and sparkly and grape and that totally triggered Mae to come out.
In case anyone doesn't remember, mae is 5.

Well I don't know WHERE she came up with THIS one....

while she's hanging out with her ring pop, she asks my husband, "Why do grown up girls get PMS?"
(where DO children come up with this stuff? honestly?) She is FIVE.
So my poor hubby tries explaining hormones. Which Mae kind of understood meant chemicals.
Thankfully, years ago, Mae had probably talked with Sharon about where babies come from, and I imagine that she and hubby have covered that subject as well, so that didn't come up the other night.
Before we knew it, Mae had hubby drawing her a picture of a woman's total reproductive system .
She wanted to know the WHOLE deal and was apparently fascinated because before long she had hubby on the internet looking up books for her. She wanted a REAL book and a book meant for girls. I think she said a book for young girls so she could understand so he found her 1 meant for 8-10 year olds
(they make books on puberty for EIGHT year olds? holy cow. When I was 8 I was still playing dollies.)

my poor husband. now he gets to have a new adventure with mae because when the book comes in the mail, i am sure she will have him read it to her. ha ha.

So fun being a man married to a multiple i bet. heee hee.

Found my old best friend

short background 1st: I met my best friend in 5th grade. We were basically best friends during the years I was in gifted classes-- the years when Missy was the main personality (for those of you who have had the misfortune of interacting with Missy....my apologies). Missy was always very rough, in-your-face with her intelligence and her loud mouth. She and I were always complete opposites. This is the person that my best friend knew. But she hung out with me anyway.

Then in college--out of NOWHERE-- best friend (A) dumped me. Not very nicely either. By then, Caroline was around. Soft-spoken, help-everyone, love everybody Caroline. With Jo on occassion-- anorexic, scared Jo. Best friend A said, "We're not friends anymore-- I'm worried about your mental stability. I am too old for a best friend anyway-- that's such a junior high thing. Besides, I have a new best friend." Uh...okay.

Basically, she broke my heart. Then she disappeared. We lived in different states by that point, and lost touch.

Fast forward 18 years. Through a friend who knew her sister on Facebook, i tracked her down on Saturday night and messaged her back.

From looking at her profile, she is NOT the type of person I want to be friends with these days anyway. But I just wanted to see what she is up to. She actually messaged me back. Turns out she is on the other side of the world, married. Looks like she spends her time drinking, partying. Don't know what else i would have expected out of her anyway.

I don't know though... I feel WEIRD.
There is a part of me that wishes for an apology from her-- even though I know it will never come. She is CLUELESS about the fact that she broke my heart (and Jo's especially)
She knew about the anorexia, but nothing else.
There's probably no point in explaining anything to her-- she wouldn't get it (always a bit on the airheady side anyway.)

I just feel weird. Its an answer to prayer, really-- just to find her. Always figured she had died or something. So now I have my answer. I guess I can let it go.
But still, something in my heart wants more. I will never get an apology, and that wouldn't ever work anyway. She can't take back the hurt she caused. And I don't want a relationship with her-- she isn't the kind of person I want to be friends with now.
I guess I just feel bad for Jo...the teenager who lost her friend. I feel bad for the heartbreak.

Mae

We used to always color with Sharon. In sessions. That was a special thing that Mae always did with Sharon. After Sharon left us, Mae could no longer color anymore. I wrote on here once that last spring she even broke all of her crayons to get rid of them. She didn't even like looking at the crayon aisle anymore at the store, which had always been her favorite aisle because of all the colors.
Well... Mae has started coloring again. Slowly. Two weeks ago DH went on a trip, and as a surprise for something to keep us busy, he left behind a giant Winnie the Pooh coloring book and a new set of colored pencils. We colored for hours. When he came back from his trip, he brought home a brand new Disney Fairies coloring book complete with stickers, and yesterday at Target there were those wonderful 64-set boxes of Crayola Crayons on sale for only $1.70. So we got a box of those and colored for a couple hours yesterday.
Perhaps this is a small step towards healing, I hope.
Mostly, our feelings are turned off all the time. I even had a dream the other night about admitting "I have no feelings anymore." I do keep a happy face on all the time. And I do feel happy sometimes now because I've learned to appreciate the little things in life and I've learned to think more positively. But as far as everything else, I've learned to keep it buried deep down. And Mae is still so deeply hurt by what happened with Sharon that she cannot even talk about it. WE cannot even talk about it, not even inside with each other.
But, at least she's picking up crayons again, and that's a step I think.

A break from my chronic pain, what a relief!

I have had chronic pain in my back since spring of 2000 or so, ever since this 13 year old kid in my class decided to act up and hurt me really badly. There is a spot in my back that has just caused me terrible pain, and sometimes its so bad I can barely move. I have tried all kinds of things to help it. This summer I've been going to a new chiropractor, and that's been helping a bit. Today I also happened to go get a massage after the chiropractor. I have a wonderful older lady who has been my masseuse for a few years. I told her about how my back has been getting pretty bad this year from carrying the baby, and she did something new on me. She found right away where there's a knot in my back-- she is so good-- and she dug her elbow into it and pressed down and out as hard as she could for several minutes. Man it HURT!! BUT--after a few minutes, it felt like the muscle "popped" almost...I felt it start to sort of ripple and relax...and the knot started coming undone!! She repeated it a few times... and guess what!! MY BACK IS FEELING BETTER!! Its not pain free, but heck, its such a reduction in the pain that it may as well be!! I don't feel like my back is in a vise tonight. I feel so strange! To have that constant pain for 9 years...and to get a break from it.. even if it does come back, at least I am getting a break-- and maybe it will STAY better. Perhaps my husband can do the same thing to my back that my masseuse did (he's pretty good at massages)-- so maybe we can keep it at bay. I am so excited!

I Love Effexor

I am now into my 3rd or 4th month of taking Effexor. I gotta say I like it a whole lot better than any other med I've been on. I used to take Wellbutrin for quite a few years, and it DID help a lot-- at 1st. But then it quit working on me. I stopped taking it a year ago, and oddly enough, that "fog" that my brain was always covered in lifted just a couple weeks ago after I stopped taking it. Strange??
This spring I started on effexor. At 1st I was on a medium dose and it caused too many side effects-- I was always twitching and moving around, I couldn't help it, and I had this weird urge to run my hand through my hair all the time. And I had problems sleeping. So the doctor cut the dose down to the lowest, 37.5, and I have done fine with it. Recently that got doubled. I am now doing just fine on it. No side effects except I don't seem to be hungry at all... which is just fine with me (yes I am still eating!!) I take it at night before I go to bed.
The effexor seems to have cleared my mind. I feel like I have room in my head for normal thoughts again. Between the effexor and God working in my mind, I feel like a more normal human being.