Pilgrim's Journey

How much do I matter?

This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious or really important to anyone. I've never felt like I've made a big difference in anyone's life. I've been left behind and abandoned by most of the people I love, and people don't seem to think much about not following through on doing things they say they will do and seem to feel free to break their promises to me. People don't have a problem breaking my trust. I feel so low around people. I feel so small, so unimportant. Its like no one really notices me or wants me around. That's one of the thing that Mae still has the hardest time with-- that our old therapist no longer wanted her and got rid of us back in January. Being unwanted was one of the hardest things to deal with growing up. Its a big struggle now too. We still keep crying over the loss of our therapist and what happened.
Maybe its selfish to want to feel precious or important to someone. Maybe its selfish to want people to do what they say. I do what I say I'm going to do. I stick to my word. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know what's so hard about it.
I guess what brought all this on is that I'm having a lot of bad dreams this week about my old friends and my old therapist. I keep having dreams still that they yell at me, reject me, and gang up on me. I miss them so much. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss the months that I had friends in my life once.... when we had slumber parties, and all went to the same eating disorder support group, and some of us had the same therapist and nutritionist... and we would laugh and joke around together and go to the craft store and shopping. I had it for such a short time-- it seems like just long enough to see how much I loved it. Then it was gone again-people left, people got busy, people moved away, times changed. And then I was alone again. I just miss it so much. And I just wonder, do any of those people ever think about me like I think of them? Do they ever pray for me like I pray for them? Do they ever miss those times? They've probably just moved on and gotten more new friends and gotten busy with their new lives and haven't given me a 2nd thought most likely.
I just miss them so much. I miss Sharon so much.
I wish I could get over this. I keep praying and waiting. Praying and waiting for things to get better.

Waiting on God's Promises

I am still waiting. Trying to make things better for myself, and still waiting on things to get better. My heart is still deeply hurt by what my old therapist did. Still broken. I am still deep in depression. I've switched to a new medication which I really hope will help. I'm waiting for that to kick in. I have a new counselor... she is okay. She's not Sharon. Every time I talk to her, I sit there missing Sharon so much I want to cry.
Also I'm working on my future. My job is up in the air. It may be moved to a new school. Right now I'm so tired of my job that its hard to go to work every day and I'm burnt out. Its hard for me to be there and I no longer feel like I have a gift to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I pray and pray for God to tell me what He wants me to do with my future so I'm waiting to hear on that also.
I am trying not to be afraid anymore. God promises that all things work together for good for those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that God is able to do superabundandtly , far and above all that I dare ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). I"m trying to improve my attitude and instead of waiting in despair, I'm learning how to wait expectantly and (slowly) wait hopefully because I have learned to know that God hears my prayers and will answer them as He's answered many in the past. I just have to keep waiting.

Trying to find a grief support group

Things are still going around here. I'm really working my butt off to get through some interesting days. Trying really hard to leave the old me and my past behind.

Someone I really cared a lot about died the other day.
Wednesday afternoon I made a BUNCH of phone calls to churches and other groups trying to find a grief support group. Out of all the messages, I got 2 places that called me back. One group was just ending, and 1 was just beginning.

Since 1 was just beginning, the lady said they'd be happy to have me join their grief group-- I was so relieved. I have SOOOO much grief work to do. I've lost quite a lot of friends in car accidents, to suicides, and I've lost many family members through death. Also I have lost relationships with friends suddenly, and then of course my therapist which has just torn me apart; then my friend died the other day. So I was so relieved to find a group I could FINALLY get support. Even when I was in a trauma hospital, I never had the chance to deal with all the deaths, suicides, and losses I've been through-- and I think THAT is a great big part of all my depression and eating disorder problem.
Was supposed to meet on Sunday.

Saturday night, the lady called me up.
Said to not come-- they decided not to let me in.
(??????) WHO decided?
My grief isn't big enough.
(??????) Is there a ruler to measure that?
Because they have people in their group with have lost children to suicide, women who have lost husbands.
I've just lost relationships and friends.
.....not big enough grief.
They don't want me.
(jerks)
(why can't I ever be good enough for ANY PLACE? ANYONE?)
It bugs me because I want SO MUCH to work through some of these things-- I want to get through these issues and GET BETTER-- especially the really hard stuff-- I AM SO DAMN WILLING TO WORK HARD.
Why can't I find someone to do it with? Someone to stick with me all the way to the end?
(what's wrong with me?)

I want so much to dance again.

We used to dance on Friday afternoons with the kids in our class. We'd put these funky nursery rhymes or the ABC song on and jump around and dance and act silly as a fun and crazy way to end a hard week of work in our classroom.
We haven't done that since the beginning of January because I just haven't felt like dancing anymore. With not eating much either, there's not much energy in me to walk or run either, let alone dance with a group of preschoolers for half an hour.
I want that back so much. I miss it.
Tonight I was at a Christian conference where thousands of people were singing praise music. I was singing too. I mean the words. I believe the words. I kept praying and praying for God to make my feet feel like dancing again. Like the other people were. Instead my eyes kept tearing up. I'd try praying again. I know prayer works-- I'd have some prayers answered this week. And I want so much to feel like dancing again like we used to. I don't want to keep feeling like this-- alone and lonely and lost in a crowd of thousands of people who all seem to know something I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to dance again so much. I want to feel happy again so much.

Thursdays

My heart aches more on Thursdays. Those were my appointment days with Sharon. I used to look forward to 5:00 coming. Right now I should be in the waiting room for her to come get me. I try hard to keep my act together all day but at 5:00 on Thursdays I just seem to fall apart. It all still feels so WRONG. I miss being there so much. I miss everything. I have so much to talk about. Things ended so badly and with nothing resolved, so much left hanging, so many unanswered questions, things I will never know about... and she doesn't even care. I hate myself so much. I wish I hadn't screwed up so bad, whatever I did.

Still not a lot to say

I know that people are concerned and want to hear from me. Thank you for your e-mails.
I still don't have much to say. I have gotten very closed in on myself and don't talk to anybody much anymore.
Still struggling very much over the loss of Sharon, my old therapist. Still unable to move on. Still getting really bad stomach aches over how things ended, the things she said and wrote, over not being able to speak to her to get some things resolved. No closure, the guilt and pain are just eating me alive. Work is more stressful. I'm just trying to make it to summer.
God is faithful. He will answer my prayers. God is a good God. This is what I know.

A Mind's Journey got a shout- out on the radio... WOW

Thanks to one of our site members, my support forum, A Mind's Journey, just got a shout-out on public radio. I'm so excited. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :) I can't believe that in just 4 short years my little website has grown from just 3 members and a couple of little forums to nearly 600 members and a whole bunch of support forums for people with DID , guests, and singletons. Hard to believe. God has truly blessed it.
The website, if you would like to visit:
http://z3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php?act=idx

Not much to say anymore

I don't talk too much anymore.. I don't each much anymore. I've been getting sick a lot and that scares me because its like I don't have any internal reserves to deal with getting sick. The inside kids continue to hide away. I'm trying to pretend I'm really in my 30's and that I'm the grown up and just trying to do with other grown ups do. Pay the bills and go to work. My teaching job is stresseful beyond what I ever thought possible. My mind is still obsessed over all the things I did to screw up my relationship with Sharon and how I flunked out of therapy and all the stupid things I've done and how everything was my fault. I still cry but I don't have much energy to anymore. It comes out more in headaches and stomach aches.
I took an art class. I signed up for another one. I try to find things to be thankful for each day. I pray all throughout the day. I keep waiting for something good to happen instead of bad. I keep praying for a friend. I keep praying for someone who can help me even though I'm afraid no one can. Tomorrow I have an appointment with new therapist #4. I don't want to go and I'm afraid to introduce myself to yet another person one more time. Searching for a therapist is difficult. I don't want to be doing it anymore. I just want Sharon back. I miss her so much, I miss her office so much, I miss talking to her so much. There are so many things I wish I could tell her.
I hope she doesn't hate me. I wish I knew. Everything just ended so bad and I can't stop thinking about it and hating myself for it.

I don't know what's wrong with me (except abandonment)

I am seriously defective. I am crying more and harder. I'm getting really bad stomach aches and my stomach is in knots all the time. Everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about Sharon and what happened and just move on. It isn't that easy. I try to keep busy, I try to focus on other things. Then my thoughts go back to therapy and what happened. The guilt and shame and anxiety feel like they're eating me alive. Everything was my fault. I messed up. I lost another person I loved because of the way I am. My husband wants me to get a new therapist, but it isn't that easy. I trust no one anymore. And I mean no one. And I'm especially not going to trust a therapist. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything nowadays. My relationship with God is even wonky. I feel like I'm just flailing around like crazy and out of control. I'm trying so hard to get control of my mind. I miss Sharon so much. The kids miss her so much. They're all hiding deep inside now. I don't blame them. All I want to do anymore is lay on the couch under a blanket and sleep the rest of my life away. Like I used to. I feel like I've gone backwards about 6 years. I hate myself so much for being this way. I'm sorry I don't have happier posts lately. I'm having a hard time finding any positives because this depression is so bad.

Trying so hard to move on and let go

I'm trying so hard to move on and let go. But I feel so defective. My thoughts obsess over what happened with Sharon and the lousy way things ended. The guilt and shame over the way things ended, the letters she wrote, how she changed her mind about giving the inside kids time to say goodbye, everything--all my fault--- the guilt feels like its eating me alive. I get stomach aches a great deal of the time now. I get headaches. These thoughts ruminate through my mind. I keep trying to re-focus on other things, but after a moment it goes back to Sharon, to regrets, to all my mistakes.
I'm not eating very much these days. I feel like I don't deserve it. Sharon gave up on me. She didn't think I deserved a 2nd chance. Sharon knew me more than anyone else did. If she didn't think I did-- then why should I? If she gave up on me then what chance to I have?
It would make such a difference if I could just hear from her. If I could just talk to her. And I know I never will and it breaks my heart.
I keep crying and random times, just out of the blue. Doing dishes. Doing laundry. Watching TV.
Reading the Bible.
I have to throw out my favorite blue butterfly socks, I think. I used to wear them to therapy all the time. It makes me sad every time i see them.
I'm trying to find another therapist. But I don't know how anyone will ever be as good. There won't be anyone like Sharon was. She was the best.
She meant so much to us. Mae's heart is so broken that she just doesn't even speak anymore.

Can't seem to move on. It was all our fault.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so defective. I can't seem to move on at all after Sharon left us. It still feels as raw as it did on January 10th. In fact it seems to feel worse. There are still so many aching spots. The inside kids never got to say goodbye to her. They never got to talk to her at all. It keeps making things get worse inside and not better. They had kept hoping... and then Sharon had said she would meet with them. But then last week she changed her mind. That's her right to. But the inside kids are having such a hard time with it and its affecting all of us. I can't seem to make anything better for them. Nothing I do or say is right. I feel like such a failure.
Our art therapist wanted the kids to make a collage of all the things they had wanted to say to Sharon. I thought I was sufficiently numbed out tonight (on klonipin) to handle it. I was so wrong. Sharon used to have us make collages. We had a huge box full of magazing and newspaper clippings and artwork. Tonight we got it out to do our homework, and found some of our old collages in it, and 8 years' worth of clippings and pictures. It hurt so bad to see all of it. We threw it all out. It brought back so many memories. Too much to deal with. We just cried and cried.
It was all our fault. If I'd just been a better client... or recovered faster...or become integrated... or something, anything, everything... then maybe she would have kept me on. Maybe things wouldn't have ended so badly. It's all my fault this nightmare happened. I will never forgive myself. The inside kids will never forgive me either. I don't know how I'm ever going to live this down. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this.
And its all too late to try again. She's gone. And I'm sure that Sharon is glad she doesn't have to deal with us anymore. But we think about it all the time. Everything reminds us. Everything-- even ourselves-- is a constant reminder of how we lost another relationship, how we screwed up ANOTHER time, how we failed. We have so many regrets.
I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how I ever even can.

It was so hard today. Husband and I went to the butterfly exhibit like we do just about every year. Each year we have gone, we have bought something in the gift shop for our old T because she likes butterflies, and she's been to that exhibit herself. This year of course we couldn't buy her anything (we did get ourselves a little bracelet, not with butterflies on it, because we get ourselves a little something every year, so that's no big deal to get ourselves something). It was so hard to be there this year.
Usually we let the inside kids out to play and laugh at the butterflies. They didn't want to this year. They are too sad. The entire time there we kept thinking about Sharon. She is a good photographer and takes pictures of the butterflies. We can't show her any of our pictures this year. Last year we took a great picture and she really liked it, said how our photography skills we really improving.
This year is so different. We're so sad. Everything is so different now that we can't go tell Sharon about it. We can't tell her anything anymore... and the kids and I used to be so happy to get to share things with her.
There are so many things to tell her. So many things left dangling out there that just feel like open wounds. So many words left unsaid.
She could have helped so much if she could have just had 1 kind word the other day. Instead of sending another rejection letter to the other therapist with a "share this with Pilgrim" on it. She didn't even tell us herself. It would have made such a difference in how this grief is going. It would have helped so much.

Therapy shouldn't cause more PTSD

I feel likewe got thrown away. Like my old therapist threw us away. It would have been better if she would have just died. Then there would be a reason. But when she just gave up on me and didn't want to work with me anymore, its like, she's saying, "I DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE." Just like everyone else did who left me. She just doesnt want us.The kids are having such a hard time. She said that she would have a transition session with them so they could say goodbye to her.But then she changed her mind. And she won't call them or talk to them or even write to them. Its making things so much harder on us. It isn't just a goodbye. Its making them suffer. They're kids. Its making an ending to therapy end up into another case of PTSD. Making things worse. Its unethical and its wrong and I don't think she even cares.
And we loved her so much. The kids loved her so much. But she hurt them so much anyway.
We can't trust people. We're never going to trust anybody again. Not ever. Especially if the people who claimed to love us can hurt us this badly.

broken.

i feel like i can't survive another loss. my heart hurts so much. i have to deal with it alone. maybe my therapist never cared in the 1st place. i dont know what to believe. the times when we worked together are so far away, like they never happened in the 1st place, like maybe i imagined them. The time went by so fast. It hurts to think about. Now I am left with too many questions and no answers. She chickened out and only terminated with a letter to someone else instead of calling me. She didn't even have the guts to speak to me in person.
Its like I don't know who she is anymore.
My heart feels so broken.
I want to sleep forever.
Yes, I'm eating. No, I'm not cutting. I said I would stick to those goals.
The inside kids are inconsolable. They don't want me-- they want Sharon.
I feel so inadequate. So completely lost. I feel so abandoned.
I was working so hard to not be left again. I was working so hard the past few years to change, to stop negative patterns. But it didn't work. What's the point in trying? Is everything I do an exercise in futility?
I hate myself so much. I lose everyone. Everyone's going to leave me.
I want to give up.

I was wrong.

I was wrong to tell my old therapist that I deserved a 2nd chance with her. I was wrong to tell her, "I'm a good person-- I deserve a 2nd chance." I told her about all the positive changes I was making. I asked her to believe in me, to please not judge me by my past mistakes, to try to have an open mind and believe in my future. That I deserved a 2nd chance.

Boy was I ever STUPID. I must have been completely posessed when I said that. Who was I trying to prove? I know in my heart that I deserve nothing. As I have always deserved nothing. Of COURSE she used my past and my old ways against me when she told me no, she wasn't going to be my therapist again, still. That's what people DO. Thats what grown ups do. My dad is right... what the hell was I thinking when I was trying to convince myself otherwise? I'm stupid and selfish just like I always have been :( Of COURSE my old therapist judged me bases on past experiences with me, of course she didnt' want to give me a 2nd chance, or course I didnt' deserve that. Why did I even try? I'm so DUMB.

I cancelled with the DID therapist. I'm not going to see her anymore. She creeped out the inside kids, and it was too long and scary of a drive in the 1st place. She's lucky that she's not going to have to deal with me. Obviously I'm too much, too much of a pain, too hard to work with, hopeless, and not worth believing in.

I dont know if anyone is ever going to be able to help me.
I don't know if I'm going write in this journal very much anymore. People write and tell me I'm an inspiration. I'm not an inspiration. I'm a failure. I had one of THE BEST therapists in the world helping me... and I failed. I flunked out of therapy. Even the DID T I saw, who was a PHD, said that Sharon was THE BEST therapist she'd ever met. The best therapist couldn't help me. The best therapist doesn't want me anymore. Does that prove to you guys what a loser I am?

We are thinking about disappearing. I definitely am. I don't deserve to be here. We're still going to stick to our meal plan. We're still going to recover from our eating disorder. But we don't need to take up space. We don't deserve to take up peoples' time. We lose everyone we care about. We're nothing. We deserve nothing.
The kids' hearts are broken. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. We lose everyone. Everyone leaves us. THAT is exactly what we deserve.