Pilgrim's Journey

As ready as I'll ever be

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 14:38:14 -0800

School starts on Monday and my room is now as done as its going to get. A friend and I went and worked in there for nearly 6 hours today. She also helped me get a little more organized, but we mostly spent time decorating. I took her out to lunch and gave her some of my home made jewelry as a thank you. It was kind of fun and now I'm exhausted. The kids come on Monday. I've got some challenging ones as usual. But my really hard class that I have had the past 2 years has now moved on to the next teacher so I'm so glad about that-- they really wore me out last year and the year before. Hopefully this year will go more smoothly.
Last night I started crying because I miss Sharon so much and I was having flashbacks about the night she dumped me. It hurt so much and still does. Maybe it'll help being back in school and being so busy all the time, hopefuly I can finally start to get my mind off it.

Back to work

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:49:19 -0800

Well it was time to go back to work today. I'm at a new school with all new people. The only people I know are another teacher and aide. Everyone else is new. Today went okay I think. I am making friends already with some of the people on my hallway. We're working really hard to be positive and smile a lot even though I don't really feel that way. Today I got my mind off Sharon for a couple hours at a time because I was so busy which is good. It makes me so nervous to be back at work and I'm pretty overwhelmed. A bit sad because I'm so used to having Sharon to go to the 1st week of school, and having her to talk to... that was something that I always held on to and looked forward to, always. It makes my heart hurt that I don't have that anymore.
So it sort of lifted my spirits today in a twisted way when I saw someone that I haven't seen since Christmas or so, and they said "What happened to you?" They told me I have lost so much weight that I am skin and bones. This isn't a person who has any reason to make anything up about me so I don't know, it sort of helps me realize that I'm not as fat as I'm feeling right now.
Well anyway,.so I think that I am going to have friends at my new place, and that will be good.

Mind,Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:04:23 -0800

I've been trying so hard to change my thoughts and my heart. Well, I've been trying to let God do it. I'm so glad that God is more patient with me than people are. Right now I am listening to this CD set by Joyce Meyer called Mind, Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes-- one of the many sets I have from her now. This one is about purposely thinking right thoughts and developing emotional stability--which we desperately need. What comes out of my mouth has become more positive lately but my thought life needs a lot of work. You can get it here if you're interested:https://shop.joycemeyer.org/eStore/Products/JMM/PID-C133.aspx
Another good one her book called Battlefield of the Mind.

If I could just go back to therapy again with Sharon things would be so different. I wish God would just let me have the chance. God says that our past is forgotten when He forgives us. Therefore I've been trying hard to act,talk,and think (that's hard) like I don't have the past that I had. I am working so hard to focus on what's going on right now and on the future, instead of thinking about the past all the time. I think that's one of the main things that gave me problems before. I couldn't let go of it. And I think that Sharon got tired of fighting it out of me. But I don't do that any more... about 98% of the time. It is hard and it gets me down. But believing God is important to me, and God says that He forgets our past. That I can do anything. I want so much to focus on more positive things. I wish I could talk to Sharon about it. Things would be so different.
But she won't have anything to do with me.

God thinks about me all the time. God won't give up on me like weak people do. Someday maybe God will help me out of this pit.
Which now that reminds me, there's another great book: Get Out of That Pit! By Beth Moore. Its one of the best ones I ever read . If you ever get the chance to read it, please read it. I've read it twice in the past week and I need to read it again.
God I just pray that this heaviness will lift some time. More bad dreams about Sharon and someone else that hurt me last night. I pray for them. I miss them. I hope they are having good lives... I just wish I could be a part of them again. My heart hurts so much. God says that He heals the brokenhearted... I am trying so hard to believe that and wait for that healing to happen.

Overwhelmed and hard time

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:12:23 -0800

I'm having a really hard time today. Last night I had more dreams about Sharon-- trying to get back to see her. I keep having the same dreams over and over and its so frustrating and I wake up trying not to cry. All day long I keep thinking about what happened and how much I want to talk to her... I miss her so much, and everything that happened hurts so badly. I miss my nutritionist too. I just miss them both so much and I hate that they are not in my life anymore. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just want Sharon back so bad, and I wish she would give me a 2nd chance.
Just lonely and overwhelmed today I guess.

Back to work

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:27:05 -0800

Today I started back to work in my new classroom in my new school. I am really nervous. Being in yet another new place where no one knows me. There are a couple of other people changing to this school too and they are people that I've had a rough time with in the past. So I kind of want to pretend I don't know them. I met some nice girls today--other teachers in my hallway. I am really, really hoping that I'll make friends with them.
Tried to stay so busy today. There was even a little bit of time where I wasn't thinking about Sharon. I still think about her, and what happened, almost all the time. :( It hurts too much to talk about so I won't say any more than that righ tnow.
Just hoping and praying that this will be a better school year. Hopefully this is a place God has led me. He says that He will be with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9) so I'm trying hard to be brave.

Jewelry for Sale by Pilgrim

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:42:37 -0800

Dissociative Disorder Awareness

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:20:46 -0800

My friend has taken a lot of time to help spread the awareness of dissociative disorders. One of the things she has done was create a pin which people can wear in support of dissociative disorders/MPD/DID. Her pins are great little things which she worked very hard on to come up with and fund. Many of the members of my website (A Mind's Journey) had input into the development of the DD awareness pins. I am really hoping that readers of the blog will support my friend and her efforts by ordering pins from her:
http://didawareness.tripod.com/index.html

Acceptance

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:42:27 -0800

I have realize something the past few days. I dont need the approval or acceptance of anyone else in this world anymore. I used to need it really badly. But I have realized that I am accepted and loved by God. Since I have that, I don't need anyone else to approve of me to be okay. My husband has been trying to tell me this for about 15 years. But I finally get it. Because God, the God of the entire universe, accepts me and loves me, that is all I really need. Psalm 139 says that God searches me, knows me, and made me. He knew every stupid thing I was going to say and do before I was ever made. God knows when I sit up and when I lay down. God also knows my heart. And he loves me ANYWAY, despite everything I've done and said and every mistake I've made. I also don't have to be a victim anymore. I can do anything God asks me to with His help. God always gives me the strength I need even at the last minute to get through whatever He asks me to go through. That just is better than what the world can offer.

We are getting ready to go back to work in a couple of weeks. Next week I'm moving to a new school. A friend is coming to help me set up my classroom so that its more organized (I'm so lucky to have a friend who wants to be a professional organizer!) I hope that everything is going to go well at my new school. Last year was such a difficult year. I just want to put it all behind me. This year will be better I think. I've heard the other teachers in my grade level are really sweet so I am hoping to making friends with them.

By the way we did a Beth Moore Bible study over the past week. I don't know if anyone else knows about her website but she just rocks: http://www.lproof.org/

I GET it. God loves me.

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:36:48 -0800

Let me tell you what I have been going through the past 2 days. Unbelievable torment in my mind. Worse than its been since Sharon left me back in January-- I felt like I was back there again, like it was just the day after she left me, and all the little progress I made was gone. I just have been tormented lately. I have been feeling like I was just under attack.
Then last night I was at the end of my rope-- crying. I hate you Satan. I hate what you do in my life. I hate everything that's happened. I told God (AGAIN)- if you dont help me then I am not going to make it. I have been BEGGING God to increase my faith, to help me believe things. I have been wanting to die. Things have just been too hard.
I have been having such a hard time because I didn't believe God loved me. I didn't believe that the words in the Bible were for ME. And that is where my crossroads has been. I have felt stuck. I have wanted to believe but unable to. So I prayed and prayed last night.
THEN I TOOK A XANAX, ha ha! So then I was in such a STUPOR-- after crying for so long-- that in my stupor I just started saying, Okay God, whatever you say, I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Okay, if you say it, I'm going to believe it.
I guess I made a choice.
So today I continued with my Beth Moore Bible Study on Believing God, when I got home from a workshop today(school) and I just said, OKAY. I'm going to believe it. God, I believe you love me. Okay whatever you say, I believe it.
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT NOW. For like 4 hours now I've been going around saying "God loves me." I watched a Joyce Meyer tape that came in the mail today that is titled "I belong to God and He loves me."
And I believe it.
I talked with my husband about it for a while but not too much because I don't want conversations with people to undermine what I am trying to work through with God--
and I just decided. I believe God. I believe He has a plan for my life. A plan for good and not evil. I believe God loves me. Even me, stupid Pilgrim who takes 35 years to get anything into her head. God is bigger than my sin and bigger than my stupidity and bigger than the problems in my head. God loves ME. I get it now. I get it now.
And wouldn't you know, just this evening a secret prayer I had in my head that I only told God came true-- The Many Voices Press newsletter has come out listing my Christian internet support group at the TOP of its links page.
It is HERE: http://freeforfaith.ipbfree.com/ if anyone would like to join in our talks about God and life and problems. I have been praying that God would make it bigger- and now it has the chance to.
But that isn't the important thing. I GET IT. I get it. God loves me. The God of the universe, loves me, even though all this other stuff is happening, even though everything is hard, God loves me.

Yet I Will Praise Him

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:02:02 -0800

Hebrews 13:5 (Amplified Bible)
God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you). Assuredly not!
So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say The Lord is my Hlper: I will not be seized with alarm. I will not fear or dread or be terrified. What can man do to me?

Hebrews 13:15
Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at ALL TIMES offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.

Philippians 4:9
...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gravious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things.

Guilt

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:51:00 -0800

I know that nothing that happened this year was Sharon's fault. I was stupid writing about how I need to forgive her. Who I can't forgive is MYSELF. I was the one who screwed up so bad and ruined everything. If we hadn't had dissociated in the parking lot last November, and she hadn't called 911 on us, probably we could have kept her. I am the one who screwed up everything. I didn't keep my part of the bargain by eating enough and by keeping myself safe in the parking lot. If I had just gone and sat in my car instead of being there on the porch steps when she came out. Then none of this probably would have happened.
This is something that keeps coming to me over and over again. It was all downhill from that night.
I was the one who made the big mistake. I was the one who ruined everything. This still eats me up inside and gives me stomach aches.
I was the one who was so stupid as to brag on Sharon about how she was sugh a great therapist and I got a big head thinking I was doing something good by going to therapy.
After all in the end I was just nobody to her. Just a client. Nobody to her.
I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't know how to get over it. I was the one who did something so stupid and I ruined EVERYTHING I had. I don't know how to get over that. It just eats me up and eats me up.
Since then I'm just not the same.
I hate myself so much.

Forgiveness

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 22:03:04 -0800

I keep praying and praying that God will take this bitterness out of my heart. That God will make my heart not be so hard. It is just towards this stuff that still has to do with Sharon. And I pray and pray. Trying over and over to forgive and forget. I realize now that back in February when we said we forgave her, we only told her that to make HER feel better. We still have not forgiven her. And its so stupid. Because she couldn't care less I'm sure. Sharon doesn't give a damn what I'm still going through-- she's done with us and ignoring us.
A few kind words of closure would have helped so much but she would not give us that.
And though we pray and pray, we have gotten so hard hearted about it. We used to be able to help with so many things. Like people talking about therapy, and therapists. Now we can't even watch or read anything to do with therapy or therapists. It hurts too much. I can't stand it. It brings back too many awful memories of the past 7.5 months. It just hurts too much. People still ask our advice about therapy and therapists and DID and stuff like they used to and I have to just ignore it. I can't deal with it. Its like this huge open wound. Anything to do with DID, therapy, the past, ANYTHING-- forget it. It has to stay buried. Its too much. And we pray some more. I have to ask God over and over again for forgiveness now because I keep thinking, I hate therapists. I don't trust anybody. I was such a fool. What idiots we were to trust someone. I hate Mae. I hate myself. What a freaking idiot I was for bragging to other people about what a great therapist Sharon was in the 1st place. I set myself up for disappointment and it was all my fault.
And I keep asking God, please, heal it. Please help me out here. You're the healer of the brokenhearted. Help me with this.
I have asked so much for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I can't get Sharon to forgive me because she won't respond. That hangs over my head. My husband says it doesn't matter what other people think. If they won't forgive me for something, then that's their tough problem. It matters though, inside, to me. Especially to Mae, who loved Sharon so much, who wanted Sharon to like her, and the rejection from her favorite person is still too hard to bear.
This is rambling and I don't know how to end it. I just guess I needed to get that out of my head.
Sharon could have done so much with just a few kind words instead of rejection.
We still keep having these nightmares about what she said and did.
I want to move on so badly. I want to let it go so badly.The things we need and want will never come from her. I know that.
Some people tell me they wish I'd get into therapy again. After I tried those 5 others this year. Forget it. I'm not opening myself up to that kind of rejection again and I'm through with trusting people. And with telling my story. I don't want to tell it. I want to forget it all.
I want to disappear. I want to just be gone.
jo

Dreams

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:31:17 -0800

Last night was a bad night. We had more bad dreams about Sharon. Over and over her rejecting us and the things she said that night. Over and over again how we screwed up and ruined everything. How we'll never be good enough for people. Then one about being killed in a car accident because we drove wrong and turned off the road. There were so many dreams we used to have too about our future. That we have been giving up. Like getting over this eating disorder. I don't dream about recovering from it anymore because I don't care anymore. Weighing less is better. Sometimes when I'm having a lousy moment the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that my stomach is flat. It doesn't matter. I KNOW its stupid but when my treatment team gave up on me I just gave up on myself. They said I have this "pattern" that I do. Get better for a little while and then get worse again. They didn't want to deal with it anymore. I guess I am just proving them right. Stupid. I want to care. I do. It would be easier if someone believed in me I guess. Stupid.
Everything I think and do is stupid.
Its these bad dreams. They get me down. Mae was up screaming in the middle of the night. There's so much we needed to say. It all gets stuffed down inside. I guess it has to stay there because there's no one to listen anymore.
I sound stupid. I'll shut up. Dumb stuff continues to come out of my mouth. I want to disappear. I really need to disappear.

Seven Things That Steal Your Joy

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:22:49 -0800

This is one of the best books I have ever read: Seven Things that Steal Your Joy by Joyce Meyer. It's available on Amazon.com here at a really good price if you buy it used. Read it.

I hate having multiple personalities

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 11:47:46 -0800

I dont want to go into it. But I HATE HATE HATE having multiple personalities. I hate DID. I hate all the stupid things in my life I have done because of it. I hate all the losses we've had because of it. I hate all the stupid things we've done. The inside kids miss Sharon so much. So do I. I miss my old friends so much. If I could have just kept my act together then maybe things would have turned out better. I wish I could have just done everything right. I have asked them all for forgiveness but Sharon wouldn't even respond. She probably holds it over my head and won't forgive me and that just weights me down. At least one old friend acknowledged me when I asked her to please forgive me. That helped a little. I wish I could forget everything. I hate the war in my head. I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and be a new person. I wish I could completely forget the past. I just want to be a completely new person. With a different brain. I have lost weight and had all my hair cut off and gotten new clothes, am going to a new school and a new classroom, but I still need a new brain.