Pilgrim's Journey

D.I.D. and Switching-- What's it Like

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 18:47:50 -0800

What is switching like when you have DID? Switching is the process of changing from one alter/ personality/ inside person to another. It varies from one system to another. Some of the members of AMJ, my forum for people with DID, have put together some valuable insights on what the process of switching is like for them. Some quotes:
- Tt is if I am watching what is happening from behind. The best thing I can say is that it reminds me of being back stage watching what is going on through the curtain or wings of the stage.
-There are times when I feel very distant from everything, and everything seems foggy. It’s like I’m on the outside, watching a TV with reception that fades in and out. Sometimes the reception isn’t so bad, so I can follow what’s going on, and keep track of the conversation/events. Sometimes the reception is very bad and I can’t keep track of what’s going on at all. Sometimes I don’t feel outside myself, I just feel like I’m in the background and someone else is talking/doing, but I can do/say things too.
-Before a switch we often get a building pressure kind of throbbing head and just before it's like our eyes aren't in the front of our head anymore, like they get sucked backwards deep into our skull. This part seems to be a co-conscious experience.Then time gets lost except for whoever came out.
(read more)

feeling really alone

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:04:30 -0800

there's a lot going on lately. too much to fit in our head. too much to talk about. too much to say. we feel alone, separate from the world, like no one understands. but its our fault that we feel separate, because we can't talk about what's going on in our heads. if someone even asked us to explain, we probably couldn't. its just all too much. too many paths going nowhere. feeling helpless to make some situations better and just feeling lost. feeling like we're trying to hold back hoover dam with our pinky finger or something. just a lot going on at the moment, and its not a good feeling. family situations really suck sometimes.

Feeling Safe in therapy

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:06:35 -0800

Things are kind of tough right now. There's some outside stuff going on that's making life a little challenging and scary and worrisome. Making the world not feel safe again. It has made therapy a real challenge because we don't feel safe again, when we were starting to feel safer at our new therapist's office. The past few months have been really interesting because we all like Kathy a lot and inside kids are doing lots of hard work and we've been learning to trust Kathy and inside things are going better. But then outside stuff happens and--WHAM!-- makes everything scary again. Makes us question everything. But last night, for the 1st time in her life, Claire felt safe in our therapist's office and she hasn't ever felt safe anywhere before. She never felt safe at Sharon's. We didn't ever really feel too safe at Sharon's...but that is a long story. So last night, we really did begin to feel safe at Kathy's, and that was really nice. Something to begin to hold onto. When the kids start to feel something, it does begin to work its way to everyone else inside eventually, even if it takes a while. We know that Kathy is a safe person and we can trust her, we just all have to start feeling it. It was nice last night that Claire finally did. Things are going to be okay, at least in that room, in that city. The rest of the world, well, we don't know yet. But there, we are starting to feel safe.

Artwork by People with DID/ Internal Systems Pictures

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 11:29:13 -0800

Would you like to see how people with DID see themselves and their internal worlds? Here is a link to a series of pictures where people with multiple personalities have drawn/painted their inside worlds and inside systems. Its really fascinating. Be sure to check them out.

Littles and D.I.D.

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:44:45 -0800

A lot of people with DID have inside kids, frequently known as "littles". We prefer "kids" ourselves but on the internet most people call them littles or even lils. Remember back in the day when we used to try ignoring them? Not sure a good idea. If you've got them hanging around inside, its a good idea to pay attention to them, give them time to hang out, give them time to play and do the things they like on occassion. It makes things a LOT lot lot easier. We used to try to ignore the inside kids once in a while, but it didn't last for very long. It led to headaches, getting sick, and a lot more yelling inside. They don't like to be ignored for 5 minutes, let alone days on end.
Mae, Tuck, Claire, Mindy, and the others really love to color, play ball, go for walks, and play games, They also love to read books.
.We have a TON of children's books.
Here is a great book called I KNEW YOU COULD read online by Kathy Broady-- if you've some littles hanging around, have them pull up a chair and listen.

D.I.D. Therapy

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:57:56 -0800

http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/10-did-therapy-101-tips/
This is a really good article by a trauma/DID therapist with her top 10 tips for how to do DID therapy. Excellent points to think about. Read it.

Online Support for Multiples

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:10:19 -0800

Are you someone with DID who needs a safe, caring environment to share your story and talk with other multiples?
Besides my forum, A Mind's Journey, there is also the Survivor Forum at http://www.survivorforum.com/
At Survivor Forum the therapeutic support section is moderated by a trauma therapist with over 20 years experience. It is a safe place that we enjoy being a part of. So if you want to connect with other people with DID, that's your place to go (and come visit us at AMJ too.)

Things Therapists Should Not Do

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 12:44:00 -0800

Ever since losing Sharon, a LOT of people have contacted us about things they have been through with their therapists, from different types of mistreatments, abuses, to just lousy ways of being dumped. Its been really sad to hear their stories. What really hurts is that these therapists are SUPPOSED to be the helpers, the healers...not the ones who hurt clients more. That was one of the things that hurt most about what Sharon did. She was aware of what she was doing, she was trained not to, but she did it anyway. When you're hurt by a therapist, it seems to cause a different kind of pain than when you're hurt by an "ordinary" person.

One of my friends is being brave enough to let me share her story here on Healthdiaries.
Her name is Katie, and thankfully, just as we have a wonderful therapist now, Katie has also been blessed with a great therapist to help her get over the pain of what her old T did. Here is Katie's story, in her own words:

Everything Changes when your heart is broken

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 10:21:09 -0800

Losing Sharon changed us profoundly. It broke our hearts. It broke some of our spirits. Yah, we know we made mistakes. Should have never made 1 person so important to us. We read yesterday a quote: "Never put your key to happiness in someone else's pocket." Well, now we know, right? We had to grow up a lot. Had to hurt a lot, to move on. As our new therapist said something to one of the kids last night, losing Sharon DID teach us to work together better. It also led to over a year of immense pain like we'd never experienced before. It wasn't so much that she got rid of us....it was how she did it. That sudden, rip-off-the-bandaid-out-of-nowhere thing.
Kathy has written an article about life changing heartache you might be interested in reading,listed here: http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/life-changing-heartbreak/

Two Year Anniversary

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 12:57:53 -0800

I miss you, Sharon. I just miss you. We all just miss you.
And I'm sorry...for everything. For whatever we did. Or didn't do.
Or whatever went wrong...we're sorry. :(
hearts hurt today.

Two years ago, the last normal morning

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 10:40:28 -0800

Two years ago on this date was right before I went to see Sharon, my old therapist ( i STILL hate phrasing it that way) for the last real time. We were still were excited to go back to see her after 3 weeks of a break for Christmas. We were still excited to go show her family pictures we had taken at Sears with our niece and nephew, and Christmas pictures, and the kids were going to tell her about all the toys they got. And I wanted to tell her about this lady who was really nice to me at the airport, who gave me $100 to help me out, just to be kind. We were going to tell her about plans to go to graduate school. And plans we had to change that year, finally, that were sinking into our head-- even mine.
But then she started acting all weird at the end of the session, and dropped that bomb on us... you can read it here (January 8,2008 entry)... i really really don't want to rehash it all. It hurts too much still.
At this moment though, lunchtime... we still had so many plans. Thought that 2008 was goiing to be such a good year. Didn't know that in a manner of hours everything was going to be ruined.
As Caroline says though, God had to shake us up a bit. Shake our foundations...which isn't always a bad thing. It became our learning year, just not in the way we intended.
Everything changed that year. 2008 was really the worst year of my life...but... in a way, things got better after that, and some changes happened that led us to better places. We know now that God had a plan, and that God can work even lousy things out for good. I wish we would have known that back on January 8 2008.
I miss her so much... just so much. What I wouldn't give to be able to walk into Sharon's office right now, and talk to her, and get one of her hugs, which felt like the best in the world. She may have done some stuff wrong, but we miss all the things she did right. My heart hurts so much some days.
Things change i guess.
Caroline doesn't want me to dwell on anymore of this right now.
For more about where our life is now in all Caroline's wonderful positive-ness go see our blog at http://freeforfaith.blogspot.com/

Understanding DID

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 12:48:54 -0800

Do you feel like you can be very different people?
Do you have trouble remembering what happened through your week?
Do you have minimal memories of your childhood?
Do you feel a lot of conflict within yourself, and have unexplainable extremes in your behavior, thoughts, or attitudes?
Do you have conversations in your head, and do the voices in your head talk about you?

Read this article by Kathy Broady

Books on Multiple Personality Disorder/ Books on DID

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 22:12:50 -0800

Been meaning to put this up for awhile...
Here is a link to a lengthy list of books on DID/MPDhttp://astraeasweb.net/plural/books.html

It is from the Astrea's Web website.

Quite a lot of books on there, not just on DID but also on autism. We've read several of them. There are a few good ones. Quite a few lousy ones. We personally despise books and websites that make people with DID look like victims and long-suffering pathetic people who have no life, but, that seems to be what sells in bookstores *groan*. However, there are a few good books on the list. There don't seem to be any of the newer books on the list-- a few years ago we read one called "Got Parts?" which can be purchased on amazon.com and was helpful in teaching us how to work together a little better.

Breaking the Pattern

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 12:18:20 -0800

Just a quick note-- new therapist is helping lots. Before we left for Christmas vacation, she wrote us a note that said "I will be here when you get back"-- we kept it in our pocket the whole time we were gone to look at. And yesterday she was there just like she said she would be. We were all pretty worried about that--- worried she'd leave us over Christmas vacation. Too many fears of being abandoned again. Still having bad dreams about Sharon quite frequently :(
Everyone was so glad to see Kathy yesterday. And since our 2nd session back with Sharon after Christmas was the one where she dumped us 2 years ago, Kathy said we can come back today for our 2nd session with her after Christmas, and we're going to have a play day and have it be like a new years party. And try to break the pattern of fearing bad news hopefully. Because she said she doesn't have any bad news to give us today. Today we are going to just have fun. Because she is not Sharon and she is not going to dump us. So today the kids are going to take books and games to play with Kathy and hopefully everything will go well and we can start being less afraid of being dumped again. Hope so.

The difference a year makes

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:15:07 -0800

I just went and looked at last year's entry for December 7th. It made me sad...because I was hurting so much that I can still feel the ache. But also happy, because i'm so glad I'm not still i that horrible spot. But what a hard year it has been to get here. What an awful lot of work. Just like 2008, when Sharon dumped us, 2009 was also a very very hard year. On Dec 7 2009 I was talking about wearing a mask, hiding who I was. About that ache that I had to hide inside, over missing Sharon so much that it hurt, missing them, thinking about them all the time.
I'm glad to say that a year later, although the ache is still there, and the pain over what Sharon did is still very great and still is a big heaviness within us, at least we don't think about it every moment of the day anymore. We used to obsess over it all the time. Literally. It was so much a part of us that we breathed it. In and out, all day long, the pain of losing Sharon, her betrayal, the flashbacks of January 10 2008. It was horrible.
A year later-- after a lot of fits and starts, and a lot of total duds in the therapy system, we have found a really incredible therapist. Her name is Kathy and she's amazing. Easy to talk to and she is really good with the kids. They like her. And, she thinks what Sharon did sucks.
She has also written an article about losing your therapist.
Anyway... it does help to have someone to talk to, and feel like we have someone who is truly on our side again. I don't know if it ever truly felt like Sharon was on our side. For a long while it did... then the past few years, it was like she was always looking for a way to get rid of us. We did everything we could to keep her, even go to these silly support groups she wanted us to go to even when we knew we didn't need them but she insisted she did (none of us are co-dependent, but she insisted we go to CoDependents Anonymous, so we had to sit there each Saturday monring, when we could have been sleeping in, listening to a bunch of depressing people complain about their lives... it was a real train wreck of a group). Plus go to an eating disorder group that we were constantly triggered at, and a DID group where everyone sat around and complained about how horrible their lives were while the 2 therapists sat there and did nothing. But we did these things to try to keep Sharon happy... while it was never enough.
I don't know. It was all very mixed up.
But we loved Sharon a lot, and she was a good therapist, and we still miss her so much. What we wouldn't give to talk to her again, even just once.
Yet the pain of the rejection is still so fresh... and the shame of being kicked out of therapy is still so hurtful, even almost 2 years later. :(
Now we have our church community group and family, and we have Kathy, and we have a job that we love-- that helps. And we have learned to rely on God, which was probably the best thing that came of all of this.