August 08, 2004

Still waiting for the next appointment

I am still here. Waiting patiently for the next oncologist appointment. I have been very very tired lately. I am still trying to work full time but it is very difficult to get myself going. I think that I pushed myself way too hard in the first four weeks back at work and it has really set me back. I am just exhausted all of the time. I am sure this will get better with time I just need to take things more slowly.

On the health side of things I have been having fevers on and off for the last couple of weeks. I also have a couple more small bumps under my tongue. I think that these bumps are just scar tissue though.

What a life hey? Thinking that every little bump or lump is the cancer coming back!!! I'm not really that bad but sometimes it can get the better of you. I firmly believe that this is not going to kill me but it is certainly going to make my life more interesting. Personally I would settle for normal at the moment.

Reflecting on this experience so far though, I have to say that I really like me more as a person now than I did two years ago. I have had so many confronting situations present themselves to me in the last two years. I feel that they have all made me far more patient and accepting of other people's needs. I am also, however, far more likely to cry at the drop of a hat. Strange for someone who has always been so stoic and never shared emotions.

I definitely like the new me more!!!! Growing is what it is all about hey. Anyway I am off to poke and prod my lumps and bumps some more and try an convince my overactive imagination that they are perfectly normal!!!!

Posted by Possum on August 8, 2004 04:38 AM

Hi there Possum,Well, I got caught up with you through the docs telling you that you are in remission. YEAH!

Posted by: Judy in AZ at August 10, 2004 05:11 AM

Hi Possum : )I got caught up with you through the docs telling you that you are in remission. YEAH!! Like you said, you have until 10/13 to live your life 'not centered' on cancer. Good News.You said that you really like yourself more as a person, and you are more patient with people (hopefully yourself too) & more likely to cry. Though you were stoic before, you say. I must say that I like myself more now also after 7 years of disability with FMS. I never took care of myself before, as a priority. It was always be the good mother, the good daughter, the good CPA, the good citizen. This walk with FMS has made me take a look at what's important, and I realize I am important. I can't be the hectic crazed running late doing 17hundred things at once person anymore. I focus on who and where I am with or what I am doing. I live more in the present than ever before. I am more available to me, my husband, mother and daughter. I've always been goal oriented and of course my disability co wants to see me have returning to work as a goal. Not gonna happen! They are really pushing my limits....lawyer in the wings. I am in counseling with a gal I really like and respect and who counseled me on parenting issues before I ever got sick, so she's seen the before & after. I am wondering where I go from here....do I just live day to day doing what I can and this is it? My Aunt gave me the book 'The Dream Giver' & it's premise is that each person has been given a 'big gift' by God and we only have to figure out what it is to go forth and achieve. Hmmmmmmmmm, my big gifts are compassion and love and a positive spirit. Maybe being here is part of my 'work toward' finding the use for my gift. I too am sick of my life revolving around this illness, but it's wracking my body daily and I have no choice but to give in to it's demands. On good days, I love to work with photography and scrapbooking, and I learned to crochet from my mom-in-law and just finished a baby blanket for the family a couple of houses over to welcome their new baby girl. It was pretty cool to give it to the Mom and have her thrilled, 'an heirloom' she called it. Wow, I made an heirloom! You said you are 4 weeks back to work.....did you return gradually? Or back to full time when you went back? If it's not to personal, what do you do and can you delegate and take a breather? Of course you are exhausted, your body has been through the wringer and so have your emotions, hence the crying, and 'normal' may take some time.Anywho, those are my ponderings for sweet Possum in the wee morning hours while I finished my 4.5 hrs of sleep.Hugs, Judy : )

Posted by: Judy in AZ at August 10, 2004 05:38 AM

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