Main » July 2004

July 29, 2004

You have the good cancer?

I remember at one point in the early stages of my diagnosis sitting around a table and the doctor telling me I had cancer but they were not sure what kind. They were checking me for breast, melanoma and lymphoma and if I was "Lucky" it would be lymphoma. Lucky, lucky to have cancer that just sounds so ironic, at the time I was thinking are you out of your mind?
One year later, I look at the experience in a whole different way, and I do feel lucky and when people ask me about my cancer I tell them what an amazing experience it was for me. I have changed a lot in the past year and half in many different ways. I know I am blessed for the experience that I have had and for some the experience is different and sometimes painful. We are all unique in how we experience life.
I would go to my cancer center and look around at all the different types of people and I could feel the fear and uncertainty that they were experiencing. When first diagnosed with cancer death is the first thought for a lot of people. But what I realized is cancer just brings on an awareness of our own mortality, nothing has changed regarding the fact that we are going to die, cancer just triggers a greater awareness of  fact. I started to realize during this time that I was probably more likely to die driving around in my car everyday then for the cancer to kill me. Nothing had changed. Death is always there. We never know when it's coming, and that is OK.

Posted by Monica L. at 09:21 AM | Comments (1)

July 28, 2004

Just remembering

By the time I had my first chemo the idea of a lab rat crossed my mind numerous times. I can remember the CT scans and the PET scans so vividly. I recall wondering why me, what have I done to deserve this, why do I have cancer? The emotional ups and downs are almost to much to bear in the beginning, looking for the reason, the something to blame...Diet, hair color, pesticides, red meat, you name it and I gave it the blame for me having cancer. One day I was at work and my good friend came up to me and said "Stop looking at blaming something you must realize that you are innocent and you are whole and you are healthy and that is how I will picture you."
That moment was very important to me in coping with cancer because we are all innocent when it comes to dealing with this disease. And sometimes when you are in those doctor's offices there is a different feeling that comes across, and that feeling can take many different shapes and forms- fear, guilt, shame. It is important to remember that eventhough we have cancer, cancer does not have us it is only a part of us, not the whole of what we are. We are more than our cancer.
I  have been in remission now since Sept.2003, the other day I went and had my port removed, it felt good. But I realized as I was lying in the hospital that there is such a lack of healing energy in these places. They are sterile and white and my doctor who removed my port did not even introduce himself to me but was like here we go ok your done. Move'em in and ship them out. I have to say though that nurses make-up for a lot of that energy!! Thanks to all you great nurses out there, my oncology nurses were the best!

Posted by Monica L. at 10:46 PM

July 22, 2004

One month, one year

Today marks my one year, one month anniversary since my last chemotherapy. It's hard to believe! I have titled my diary embracing cancer because that is what I learned through my journey, to embrace  cancer and not to fear it. In Jan. Of 2003 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Anaplastic Large T-cell to be exact, I was 32. The cancer began in the lymph nodes under my right arm, and also appeared in my right groin. Because the cancer was in two places I was considered a stage (A- meaning no symptoms).

My journey with cancer might be a little different then other peoples, we all have our own unique experiences when dealing with cancer. I would like to use this diary as an opportunity to remember my experience and share that experience with others. 

Posted by Monica L. at 09:18 AM