July 28, 2004

Just remembering

By the time I had my first chemo the idea of a lab rat crossed my mind numerous times. I can remember the CT scans and the PET scans so vividly. I recall wondering why me, what have I done to deserve this, why do I have cancer? The emotional ups and downs are almost to much to bear in the beginning, looking for the reason, the something to blame...Diet, hair color, pesticides, red meat, you name it and I gave it the blame for me having cancer. One day I was at work and my good friend came up to me and said "Stop looking at blaming something you must realize that you are innocent and you are whole and you are healthy and that is how I will picture you."
That moment was very important to me in coping with cancer because we are all innocent when it comes to dealing with this disease. And sometimes when you are in those doctor's offices there is a different feeling that comes across, and that feeling can take many different shapes and forms- fear, guilt, shame. It is important to remember that eventhough we have cancer, cancer does not have us it is only a part of us, not the whole of what we are. We are more than our cancer.
I  have been in remission now since Sept.2003, the other day I went and had my port removed, it felt good. But I realized as I was lying in the hospital that there is such a lack of healing energy in these places. They are sterile and white and my doctor who removed my port did not even introduce himself to me but was like here we go ok your done. Move'em in and ship them out. I have to say though that nurses make-up for a lot of that energy!! Thanks to all you great nurses out there, my oncology nurses were the best!

Posted by Monica L. on July 28, 2004 10:46 PM