August 02, 2004
Why Me? An Inner Knowing
When the doctors finally figured everything out,( took about two weeks) I was told that I had Anapalstic Large T-Cell Lymphoma. What? I had heard of lymphoma before but had no idea what they were talking about. My cancer seems to only affect about 2% of people with NHL, and usually men over 65. I was a 33 yr. Old female, so needless to say the information was very limited. I found a great NHL group on yahoo where I could post questions and just talk to others going through lymphoma and that was really helpful.
When I was initially dx with cancer the one question that continually pops up in your mind is why me and what can I blame. Let's see I'm overweight, dye my hair, don't eat organic, need to exercise more, why do I have this disease, know one in my family has ever had lymphoma. The doctors had no real answers for me, they couldn't explain why. My research led me to eventually give-up on looking, it starts to drive you crazy after awhile. I finally came to the divine realization that the reason I had cancer was in some way because I had manifested it. For some reason in my life at this exact moment this was the experience that I needed to have a spiritual level it made sense where on the physical it seemed to surreal. What if this experience of having cancer was part of my life purpose, what if it was my life purpose? Those are big thoughts, and I started to realize that I had to go through this, and that I could do it and that I would be fine. I also began to reflect on what I call and inner knowing.
For some reason in my life I would always have worries around cancer, and this was way before I was diagnosed. I would crack jokes and and make subtle statements consciously or unconsciously around the fact that one day I thought I would have cancer. A lot of my friends and family validated this for me, even to the point at times where my husband would get angry and tell me to stop and that I better watch my thoughts. I believe that we have an amazing ability to manifest in our lives. I also believe that our thoughts are extremely powerful and it is important to be conscious of what you think about in terms of health and everyday life experiences. Now it is important for me to say that this is my experience and how I feel and what I discovered. This may not at all be what other people who are faced with cancer experience, we are all unique in our lives and how we deal with illness.
Posted by Monica L. on August 2, 2004 09:02 AM