Embracing Cancer

port-a-cath, are you crazy?

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 21:35:37 -0800

I remember my first day of chemo very well. After all was said and done, the oncologist recommended 6 rounds of CHOP chemotherapy. That is a combination of four drugs, three to be given intravenously and the last prednisone to be taken orally. I went in on Feb. 24 2003 and was ready to roll. They give chemo through an IV which is kinda ironic because I always thought it was something given in some huge machine or something. I had all these horrorific images that were going through my mind of being strapped and and basically flogged with stuff that was going to make me really sick. That's the thing about chemo, it might be killing the cancer, but it also is killing every other good cell in your body as well. There is no immune support and I think that is why so many people end up getting really sick form the chemo even if they were not that sick from the cancer.
I happen to have poor veins so on my first round of CHOP it leaked out and created a huge burn on my arm, that is when they told me that I needed a port. OK no way I said. I already feel like a lab rat and you want to put something under my skin that looks like it is from Star Trek, no. But as we know in the medical world when they want you to do something they press on so needless to say I got the port. It was like a tiny button under my skin, and actually it was one of the best things I did during chemo it was great to not have to worry about being stuck with needles. And my hands were always free during treatment to read or do whatever. I highly recommend anti-nausea drugs when going through chemo, also if you can get pot it was extremely helpful. It helps with hunger, nausea and the prednisone jitters. Nurses were really great in making those suggestions. Remember this is just what I found to be useful other people might have different things they found helpful.
After the first treatment I came home and kept waiting for my hair to fall out. It took about two weeks then I just shaved it. I was pretty self conscious about the hair thing, but I wore scarves and hats. I had a wig but didn't really wear it that much, it was itchy. I believe at this time I truly was ready for the cancer journey I felt like I was right where I needed to be, and that I was going to be ok.

Why Me? An Inner Knowing

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 09:02:36 -0800

When the doctors finally figured everything out,( took about two weeks) I was told that I had Anapalstic Large T-Cell Lymphoma. What? I had heard of lymphoma before but had no idea what they were talking about. My cancer seems to only affect about 2% of people with NHL, and usually men over 65. I was a 33 yr. Old female, so needless to say the information was very limited. I found a great NHL group on yahoo where I could post questions and just talk to others going through lymphoma and that was really helpful.
When I was initially dx with cancer the one question that continually pops up in your mind is why me and what can I blame. Let's see I'm overweight, dye my hair, don't eat organic, need to exercise more, why do I have this disease, know one in my family has ever had lymphoma. The doctors had no real answers for me, they couldn't explain why. My research led me to eventually give-up on looking, it starts to drive you crazy after awhile. I finally came to the divine realization that the reason I had cancer was in some way because I had manifested it. For some reason in my life at this exact moment this was the experience that I needed to have a spiritual level it made sense where on the physical it seemed to surreal. What if this experience of having cancer was part of my life purpose, what if it was my life purpose? Those are big thoughts, and I started to realize that I had to go through this, and that I could do it and that I would be fine. I also began to reflect on what I call and inner knowing.
For some reason in my life I would always have worries around cancer, and this was way before I was diagnosed. I would crack jokes and and make subtle statements consciously or unconsciously around the fact that one day I thought I would have cancer. A lot of my friends and family validated this for me, even to the point at times where my husband would get angry and tell me to stop and that I better watch my thoughts. I believe that we have an amazing ability to manifest in our lives. I also believe that our thoughts are extremely powerful and it is important to be conscious of what you think about in terms of health and everyday life experiences. Now it is important for me to say that this is my experience and how I feel and what I discovered. This may not at all be what other people who are faced with cancer experience, we are all unique in our lives and how we deal with illness.

You have the good cancer?

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 09:21:52 -0800

I remember at one point in the early stages of my diagnosis sitting around a table and the doctor telling me I had cancer but they were not sure what kind. They were checking me for breast, melanoma and lymphoma and if I was "Lucky" it would be lymphoma. Lucky, lucky to have cancer that just sounds so ironic, at the time I was thinking are you out of your mind?
One year later, I look at the experience in a whole different way, and I do feel lucky and when people ask me about my cancer I tell them what an amazing experience it was for me. I have changed a lot in the past year and half in many different ways. I know I am blessed for the experience that I have had and for some the experience is different and sometimes painful. We are all unique in how we experience life.
I would go to my cancer center and look around at all the different types of people and I could feel the fear and uncertainty that they were experiencing. When first diagnosed with cancer death is the first thought for a lot of people. But what I realized is cancer just brings on an awareness of our own mortality, nothing has changed regarding the fact that we are going to die, cancer just triggers a greater awareness of fact. I started to realize during this time that I was probably more likely to die driving around in my car everyday then for the cancer to kill me. Nothing had changed. Death is always there. We never know when it's coming, and that is OK.

Just remembering

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 22:46:48 -0800

By the time I had my first chemo the idea of a lab rat crossed my mind numerous times. I can remember the CT scans and the PET scans so vividly. I recall wondering why me, what have I done to deserve this, why do I have cancer? The emotional ups and downs are almost to much to bear in the beginning, looking for the reason, the something to blame...Diet, hair color, pesticides, red meat, you name it and I gave it the blame for me having cancer. One day I was at work and my good friend came up to me and said "Stop looking at blaming something you must realize that you are innocent and you are whole and you are healthy and that is how I will picture you."
That moment was very important to me in coping with cancer because we are all innocent when it comes to dealing with this disease. And sometimes when you are in those doctor's offices there is a different feeling that comes across, and that feeling can take many different shapes and forms- fear, guilt, shame. It is important to remember that eventhough we have cancer, cancer does not have us it is only a part of us, not the whole of what we are. We are more than our cancer.
I have been in remission now since Sept.2003, the other day I went and had my port removed, it felt good. But I realized as I was lying in the hospital that there is such a lack of healing energy in these places. They are sterile and white and my doctor who removed my port did not even introduce himself to me but was like here we go ok your done. Move'em in and ship them out. I have to say though that nurses make-up for a lot of that energy!! Thanks to all you great nurses out there, my oncology nurses were the best!

One month, one year

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 09:18:14 -0800

Today marks my one year, one month anniversary since my last chemotherapy. It's hard to believe! I have titled my diary embracing cancer because that is what I learned through my journey, to embrace cancer and not to fear it. In Jan. Of 2003 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Anaplastic Large T-cell to be exact, I was 32. The cancer began in the lymph nodes under my right arm, and also appeared in my right groin. Because the cancer was in two places I was considered a stage (A- meaning no symptoms).

My journey with cancer might be a little different then other peoples, we all have our own unique experiences when dealing with cancer. I would like to use this diary as an opportunity to remember my experience and share that experience with others.