April 26, 2005
The Good Parts of Cancer
When I was first told that I had cancer, I thought it was the worst thing in the world I could ever hear. I thought I would be dying soon, that I would miss seeing my daughters grow up, graduate from college, get married or have grandchildren. I would not get to grow old with my husband or accomplish all I had planned. There are some days that I still feel that way, but not as often. Slowly I was given hope that I could beat this thing and survive. My life would forever change, but I had a purpose and a reason to fight. The fact that ovarian cancer tends to reccur so often, is scary. I am living with that fear now as my tumor count rises. I have so much love and support that I know I will get through this. I'm not saying that I don't get down and I do indulge in an occasional pity party, and I do cry, okay sometimes I sob! What really wears me down is fear and worry. I am learning to manage the fear. I have such a great medical team helping me fight this and that helps the worry. The more I learn, the better I feel. Not because what I am learning is especially good news, but for me, I cope better knowing as much as possible. That wasn't always the case. When I was first diagnosed and had surgery, I didn't want to know much. I had to be told in small bits and pieces what was happening to me or I couldn't cope. After I regained some strength, I felt I had to know it all. But what I want to tell you is the good that has come from having cancer.
I had heard people say that they would not change having cancer because of all they have learned from it. At first I though, "you've got to be kidding! I would give this all up in a heart beat." I must admit on my low days I still feel that way. And then I think about how I have changed and I am glad I was given this opportunity to see the world in a different light. It may sound like a cliche, but I do see the beauty in each day, people are even more important than before and I am truely glad to wake up each day. I am a much nicer person now, of course that is with my daily dose of antidepressant! (That's my secret weapon.) I am more patient now, maybe from waiting in waiting rooms forver, nothing is as urgent as it was before. I am much kinder to myself now. I even treated myself to my first pedicure last week and didn't even feel guilty about it.
Want to know the best part? It's your family and friends and people you meet who became your new friends. It the little kindnesses that stangers show you. It's fellow warriors that are fighting the same battle and it's faith and hope for a positive outcome. These things are the rewards for this struggle, it's the payoff and it's huge! My husband has been a rock throughout all of this. I know how much he hurts and I know how afraid he is, and yet he is always willing to listen or help. My friends have been outstanding. They have come through with meals, love and anything else I have needed. I get treated to more breakfasts and lunches than I ever thought possible, and I love every meal! I also joined a support group and I am so lucky to have met so many strong women. We are there for each other. It is such a blessing to talk to someone who has been through the same thing you have and then to be able and help someone that has recently been diagnosed gives such a feeling of purose. On the other hand, I have weeded out unhealthy friendships that drain me. Life is too short not to get the most out of every moment.
After all is said and done, I have to say, I wouldn't change the fact that I have cancer. I am a better person now and I am very proud of that fact. I have never said, why me? Why not me?
Lee
P.S. I could do without the chemo brain! I would make more sense and fewer typos!
Posted by Lee Mason on April 26, 2005 07:06 PM
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