March 12, 2008
Mind Games Again
It's been awhile since I have added to this diary because everything has been so routine with the treatments. Yesterday was another dose of Avastin with wonder of if it is really working. I was a little upset because I continue to lose weight, another 3 lbs. Not much but I am down 9 lbs. from my original weight gain, 3 lbs. from 2 weeks ago. I'm not feeling good , but not sure if it is physical or mental. And, my next cat scan is a few weeks away and that always has me thinking what will it be? I try to remain positive, and make these posts positive, but let me share a bit of creative writing that sums up my negative feelings.
My life is like a long hallway and I'm trapped and cannot get out.
At one end of the hallway is a door with a sign, DEATH.
At the other end is a sign, FREEDOM.
I cannot open the freedom door.
Forces keep pulling me toward the death door, which is open a crack.
I fight back to the freedom door, but I cannot get out.
The forces continue to pull me and each time the death door opens further.
I know that someday the vacuum of the death door will pull me in.
I don't know when that will be.
I keep asking, why can't I open the freedom door?
After writing this I was surprised at how accurate that it describes my feelings. I wonder how many other cancer people feel the same way?
Wish me luck on the cat scan and I wish all of you good health.